The Order of the Stick/Characters/The Empire of Blood

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The Empire of Blood

Gladiators W fight! Prisoners W die! And you W be distracted from our brutal oppressive regime until Saturday!

A
—poster announcing special mid-week games in Bleedingham

General Tarquin

"If I win, I get to be a king. If I lose, I get to be a legend."

Race: Human
Gender: Male
Class: Unknown (probably Fighter)
Alignment: Lawful Evil

Nale and Elan's father. A warlord at the Empress of Blood's service (or so it seems). In truth, the behind-the-scene ruler of the three largest empires on the Western Continent through his adventuring partners. Later joins the Linear Guild under his son Nale's command (at his own insistence), becoming Roy's counterpart.

Tarquin: Magnificent.

Elan: I don't enjoy watching people suffer just because they got the better of me once!
Tarquin: You don't? Huh. Weird.

  • Evil Counterpart
    • Unlike Nale, who is an "evil opposite" to Elan, Tarquin is a lot like Elan personality-wise, except he's evil (and smart).
    • He also comes across as something of an Evil Counterpart to Roy (which is part of why Elan initially trusts him). Like Roy, Tarquin is a fighter who totally subverts that class's stereotype of being Dumb Muscle, and Tarquin's total amorality gives an idea of what Roy would be like if instead of being pragmatic and good, he was just pragmatic. He's also a foil to Roy in fighting style: where Roy relies on Boring but Practical heavy attacks and heavy armor to power through combat situations, Tarquin uses defensive feats and counterattacks to turn his enemies' strengths against them.
    • Incidentally, he replaces Thog as Roy's counterpart in the latest incarnation of the Linear Guild.
    • His subtle machinations and keen political savvy shows him as an evil counterpart to Lord Shojo.
  • Evil Genius: His military record speaks for itself.
  • Evil Is Cool: Invoked Trope, in that he certainly seems to think so (though he does not like to see it in terms of "good" and "evil".)
  • Evil Overlord
  • Evil Overlord List: He has read it. In fact, he seems to be trying to standardize it.

Tarquin's Tips: We do not have surprise inspections. Ever. Especially not at night, when the other guards have been called away to another event. Those inspectors in front of you? They're intruders. Get them.

Tarquin: ... So they went back to their quarters to give their pet orangutan a bath?

  • It's All About Me: Tarquin doesn't really seem to "get" that his horrible deeds could bother anyone, whether it is good-aligned people he interacts with, or sometimes, even the victims of those same deeds. He's basically a total sociopath who can be a nice guy to others when things are going his way, and takes badly to people who act against him. He also tends to assume that any odd plot development is about him unless proven otherwise.
  • Kick the Dog
    • Not that it wasn't there before, but pages #756 and #757 go a long way in proving that underneath all his affability, Tarquin is a monster.
    • The latter might even be something worse. Page #759 really takes the cake.
    • And it gets worse. In #763 he basically explains to Elan that his death would inspire other villains, and that even if Elan kills him, his last thoughts would be that he got three decades worth of being a god and that only the last ten minutes sucked.
  • Lack of Empathy: An incredible lack of it to anyone outside of his inner circle. Even in it, you aren't exempt. He tells Malack he's sick of hearing about his dead children and to man up to work with Nale. On the other hand, when Malack later points out he's being a hypocrite regarding how he's treating their respective families, he apologizes and agrees not to do it again.
  • Luke, You Are My Father: Elan and Nale's father, to be precise.
  • Make It Look Like an Accident: Tarquin lost his last wife to "mysterious circumstances." It's strongly hinted that this trope is in play here. However, it is in fact subverted, because she genuinely did die in mysterious circumstances thanks to V's use of Familicide.
  • The Man Behind the Dragon: He's not technically in charge, but he and Malack are clearly the brains behind the Empress of Blood. And behind the rulers of two other empires to boot.
  • Meaningful Name: The name "Tarquin" calls to mind either Rome's tyrannical last king or his rapist son, both of which are fairly apropos for this Tarquin. However, despite the plethora of Star Wars jokes when he was introduced, Word of the Giant is that Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin wasn't in his mind during this name choice.
  • Metaphorgotten:

Tarquin: You can't make an omelet without ruthlessly crushing dozens of eggs beneath your steel boot and then publicly disemboweling the chickens that laid them as a warning to others.

  • Moral Myopia: Cares very little for people not friends or family.
  • Multilayer Facade: He disguises himself as Thog wearing a helmet. When Roy tries to unmask him, underneath is another mask.
  • My Death Is Just the Beginning: It hasn't happened yet, but he's revealed that this forms the core of his Evil Plan.
  • Narrative Causality: A great believer in the trends in stories. Mostly because he is incredibly Genre Savvy (a trait that Elan has inherited).
  • Nerd in Evil's Helmet
  • Not So Harmless: There were indications of him being evil from the very beginning, but "Of Clerks and Clerics" is the first to show him "in action", demonstrating that despite his seemingly friendly and goofy demeanor, he's not someone you want to mess with. Note that at the time he was "humiliated", he gave no sign of anger and didn't drop his pleasant façade.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: He's not above using it. As shown in "Also, the Desert is Dry", it's clear he knows Elan and Haley are secretly working together with Roy, Belkar and Durkon.

Tarquin: Better to look the fool than be one.

  • Offhand Backhand: To stop Nale from escaping.
  • Orcus on His Throne: This is how Nale sees him, and it pisses him off to no end, as he feels that Tarquin has more than enough power to conquer the world and can't get it through his head why his father has no desire to.
  • Overly Pre-Prepared Gag: According to Malack, he's always willing to go the extra mile for a punchline, which is confirmed a few times, notably him waiting forever to say the line, "Elan... I am you father!"

Tarquin: Totally worth wearing a mask under my helmet for two days.

  • Pet the Dog: Despite being a vicious warlord, he's still willing to have a day of bonding with his long-lost son. Unlike Elan, however, readers get to see the true nature of the façade. Another instance is when he admits that because of how Elan turned out, Nale's upbringing is his fault. Finally, he gives an apparently genuine apology to Malack when he gets called out on toying with the Stick in order to see how good Elan is after having forced Malack to work with his children's murderer.
  • Politically-Incorrect Villain: Though he's charming to women in general (Haley, being his son's paramour gets nothing more than a kiss on the hand, and later notes that he's rather attractive), his actions towards women he desires that aren't receptive to his attentions are rather repulsive.
  • Pragmatic Villainy: Has no desire to outreach his grasp, knows the difference between family and philosophy, and is even willing to help the heroes prevent world domination. Because that would interfere with his regional domination. This makes him a wonderful Foil for Nale, who is absolutely crippled by his gigantic ego.

Tarquin: Remember, Nale: Who knows that you know is as important as knowing it in the first place.
Nale: But now you look like a fool for being ignorant!
Tarquin: So what? Better to look the fool than be one.

  • Reasonable Authority Figure: As a result of just how very pragmatic he is, one of the rare evil examples. Perfectly willing to accept the requests and needs of the heroic party at face value without any hostages, blackmail, or conspiracy theories, recognizing that the scale of their quest precludes typical villainous behavior. Though it's later subverted when he finds out about the Rifts and decides to seize control of Girard's Gate from Elan's party.
  • Resemblance Reveal
  • The Reveal: Oh, he loves these.
    • He's Elan's father.
    • He and Malack are the real powers behind the throne.
    • He and his adventuring buddies are the real powers behind the throne of the three biggest empires in the Western Continent, and they're playing a three-way con to absorb the rest.
    • One of the aliases used by Tarquin's ever-changing empire was Tyrinaria, which means he is responsible for the unfair arrest of Ian Starshine, Haley's father.
  • Rings of Power
    • He never leaves home without a Ring of Regeneration.
    • He also owns a Ring of True Seeing, a birthday present from his departed wife.
  • The Scarpia Ultimatum: This page makes it fairly clear that his seduction of Captain Amun-Zora from the City of Doom had more than a hint of this. The same comic reveals that he "convinced" previous brides to accept him through Cold-Blooded Torture and will likely be doing the same to Amun-Zora.
  • Shoulders of Doom
  • Silver Fox: Haley sees him as evidence that Elan will still be attractive in his old age.
  • So Proud of You: He's very happy Elan didn't turn out like his brother did. For rather off reasons:

Tarquin: Your brother was a disorganized buffoon who cared more for satisfying his own ego than any realistic plan for world domination. All he ever cared about was that everyone knew he was the victor, even when the situation called for keeping a low profile.

  • Spin Attack: Does something between this and Grievous Harm with a Body to Durkon.
  • Stone Wall: His fighting style so far appears to be based on defending against enemy attacks and counterattacking.
  • The Strategist: Both military and political long-term brilliant plans. There's a reason why Evil Genius is on this list.
  • Strong Family Resemblance
  • Tin Tyrant
  • The Un-Reveal: Not as far as the readers are concerned since we already know who he is, but as far as the Order... Tarquin disguises himself as Thog when battling them. It quickly becomes clear to the Order that he isn't who he claims to be. But when Roy tries to remove Tarquin's helmet, underneath is a mask (with a humiliating response written on it to boot).
  • Uriah Gambit: When his troops invades the Free City of Doom, he makes sure that one of the casualties is the husband of the woman he wants to bed.
  • Utopia Justifies the Means
  • Villain of Another Story: Tarquin is completely aware that the world is filled with myriad stories, that he is the Big Bad of only one of them, and that aiding other Big Bads is not in his interest. He thus bends over backwards to help his son's adventuring party find Girard, because he figures there is some world-destroying villain they need to stop -- in other words, a dangerous rival they intend to eliminate.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: Claims to be this to Elan.
  • What Is Evil?:

Tarquin: Labels like "good" and evil" are just words. Words with many possible capitalizations. They're outdated concepts that do nothing but cause conflicts.

  • Worth It: Tarquin figures that even though his death as a dictator is inevitable, it will still be awesome until the end.
  • Worthy Opponent: He sees Roy as this. It's part of why he decides to join the Linear Guild, since he thinks he'll be a worthy challenge.
  • Xanatos Gambit: Reasons that even though he will probably eventually be taken down by a hero one day, he'll still be immortalized as a legend by the same bards singing songs of his defeat. In the meantime, he'll be living the high-life as a king for X amount of years until that eventuality occurs.
  • You Can't Make an Omelette: See Metaphorgotten above.


Minister Malack

"Ah, the life of an adventuring cleric. I remember it well. A perpetual struggle to maintain the Hit Points totals of four or five nigh-suicidal tomb robbers determined to deplete them at all costs."

Race: Lizardfolk
Gender: Male
Class: Cleric
Alignment: Unknown (probably Lawful Neutral or Lawful Evil)

An albino lizardfolk, high priest of Nergal. Spiritual adviser to the Empress of Blood and old adventuring companion of Tarquin. He later joins the Linear Guild as Durkon's opponent. Oh, and he's a vampire.

  • Affably Evil: Like Tarquin, he can be a very pleasant guy. He even greets Durkon in a friendly and respectful manner, despite their differences in alignment and deities, and proceeds to have a good-natured theological debate with him.
  • Berserk Button: "Malack. How's the family?"
  • Black Cloak: Wears it all the time, including in flashbacks.
  • Dark Is Not Evil: See Everybody Hates Hades.
  • The Dragon: To Tarquin, anyway.
  • Everybody Hates Hades: Insists that deities and clerics of Death should be seen as Neutral by default, without actually stating his own alignment.
  • Evil Albino
  • Evil Chancellor
  • Evil Counterpart: He joins the Linear Guild just to fill the role of Durkon's counterpart after being persuaded by Tarquin.
  • Family Values Villain / Straight Edge Evil
  • The Grim Reaper: Not actually this (although he does serve a god of Death), but Elan thought he was this when he first met him (and assumed that he had been killed with the rest of the party without knowing it), referring to him as the "lizgreaper".
  • Healing Hands
  • High Priest
  • It's Personal: Has a personal grudge with Nale, since the latter killed three of his children. However, Tarquin eventually tells him to grow out of it. Crops up again when Tarquin starts dicking around with the Order of the Stick and his Son instead of simply killing them so Malack can stop having to work with Nale.
  • Lizard Folk
  • The Medic
  • Not So Stoic: "NERGAL WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!"
  • Obviously Evil: His appearance -- the albino scales, the black cloak, the name and the fact he's a lizardfolk. Has lead to suggestions that no-one so obviously evil-looking could actually be evil (which is either Genre Savvy or Wrong Genre Savvy).
  • Papa Wolf: Nearly kills Nale out of revenge for the latter killing three of his children.
  • Playing with Fire: "Flame Strike."
  • Sarcastic Devotee: Malack has endured Tarquin's antics for 35 years; as a result, he won't hesitate to put back his friend into place if needed -- and Tarquin will listen.
  • Simple Staff
  • Speech Bubbles: The connectors from his speech bubbles are always irregular, hinting of a raspy or hissy voice.
  • Squishy Wizard: Clearly has strong magical abilities, and is implied to be physically weak (the speech bubbles, the special diet, etc.).
  • Storm of Blades: The Blade Barrier spell.
  • Touch of Death
  • Villainous Rescue: HARM. Fun fact: that particular spell immediately burns you down to a single hit point (technically it would strip up to 150 HP from a target, but Nale favors his sorcerer levels too much to have that many). Nale was one successful attack away from unconsciousness -- or death.
  • Worthy Opponent: To Durkon, in the new Linear Guild.

Malack: ...I alone shall handle the dwarf. He deserves that honor, regardless of his minor deception.


Chancellor Kilkil

"I lost the paperwork."

Race: Kobold (winged)
Gender: Male
Class: Unknown
Alignment: Lawful Evil (presumably)

First introduced as an Accounts Clerk for the Empire of the Blood when dealing with Those Two Bad Guys below. It quickly comes to light that he's more of a "do anything in admin" kind of guy. In short, he's Tarquin's glorified Personal Assistant. He's then roped into the Linear Guild, whether he wants it or not.

  • Awesome McCoolname: C'mon, what's not to like about "Kilkil" for a name?
  • Badass Bookworm / Badass Bureaucrat: It's yet to be determined if he actually rates as one of these, action-wise, but it's implied. He's very good at getting some very dangerous things done, mind. Who do you think arranges those spur-of-the-moment fix-ups, pageants, slave-burnings, fancy dinners and circuses? When you carry the full clout of an armed and ruthless Lawful Evil Empire behind you, you can get a lot done quickly with next-to-no backtalk.
  • Beleaguered Bureaucrat: He seems to be the face of the Empire's whole administration and the poor guy who has to deliver on each of Tarquin's big ideas. Did we mention the Empire runs on paper as much as it does on Blood? And that Tarquin tends to kill those for whom he has no use?
  • Evil Counterpart: Err... Um... Ah... Well, "counterpart", at least, anyway: to Belkar in the brand new, sparkly, reforged (and probably doomed) version of the Linear Guild.
  • Flight: Why walk when you have wings?
  • Lizard Folk: Small, orange, D&D-style draconic kobold, at your service.
  • Ludicrous Precision: He can estimate the deadliness of an attack spell to the exact percent.
  • Nerd: He likes things to be organised, is clever, doesn't get from behind the desk much, is short and wears...
  • Nerd Glasses: Kobolds, too, can wear gold-rimmed specs if they have to do desk-work all day.
  • Obstructive Bureaucrat: "You want to get those papers 'lost' to condemn some annoyances? Perjure myself in court, too? You got it, boss!" It's not quite enough to accuse him of corruption, though. Not when he's following his orders.
  • Punch Clock Villain: Has most of the hallmarks. He doesn't seem in it for the personal gratification of stomping on the unwashed masses or to do the Evil Laugh. But you can't organise half of what he does with anything like a conscience.
  • Running Joke: The kobold race continues being Belkar's personal nemesis, it seems...
  • Theme Naming: Like the other kobolds, he has a repeated syllable name. Now, we've moved to "K"s from "Y"s though.
  • Winged Humanoid: And, can use them, thanks.


The Empress of Blood

"No one gets all up in my business, I get all up in THEIR business! OR POSSIBLY THEIR GRILL!!"

Race: Red Dragon
Gender: Female
Alignment: Chaotic Evil

The gluttonous ruler of the Empire of Blood; an obese red dragon who believes she can get more powerful by growing bigger (instead of growing bigger as a result of getting older and more powerful).

  • Adipose Rex: The Empress of Blood is deliberately invoking this trope. As a Red Dragon (and apparently either a very immature one or a very dumb one), she knows that all dragons grow larger as they grow more powerful, and believes the reverse also holds. Thus she is purposefully eating more than even her draconic metabolism can handle in order to become more powerful. (And yet, she can fly...)
  • Breath Weapon: She breathes fire.
  • Chewing the Scenery: She likes to do this every now and then.

Empress of Blood: I am here! I am your ruler! Look at me! I am cool, but also very warm! Woooo!

Tarquin: We've decided it's best if the Empress avoids eating in front of guests from now on.
Too much clean up, both from her meal and from guests losing theirs.

Empress of Blood: If anyone needs me, I will be up here on my throne, being awesome.


Gannji

"As a reptile, I've gotten through my whole life without sucking on a teat, I'm not about to start with the government's."

Race: Lizardfolk
Gender: Male
Class: Rogue
Alignment: True Neutral

A green lizardfolk who's wishing he'd never have crossed path with the Order of the Stick. The brain of the bounty hunter duo he's forming with Enor.

Roy: Jeez, that lizardfolk is a jackass, but he still doesn't deserve this. It's like forcing someone to duel their own puppy.


Enor

"Well, we screwed up and got yummies anyway. We should do that more often."

Race: Half-ogre/half-blue dragon
Gender: Male
Class: Unknown (probably Fighter)
Alignment: True Neutral

A towering half-ogre, half-blue dragon hybrid. The muscle of the bounty hunter duo.

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