Riff Trax/Funny/Film Franchises
Film Franchises
Batman
Batman Forever
- This one's notable for being done not by the usual group, but by Doug Walker, his brother Rob, and Brian Hines, with plenty of good lines including the following:
- "Everytime I meet a guy, he's either gay or Batman." "Sometimes both!"
- "Harvey, you need help." "Yes, listen to the man in the Bat suit."
- Doubles as a Shout-Out to The Critic's review of Batman and Robin.
- "Why is no one undressing Comissioner Gordon with their eyes?"
- "How do you sneak acid into a court house?" "And isn't it a conflict of interest to have Batman on the jury?"
- "Ronita, Roberto, and Robespierre" "And I'm Dick!"
- "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman, and so's my wife!"
- "In honor of the Graysons, send in the clowns..." (scene changes to outside Wayne Manor) "...Aaand a horse humping a rock. Way to ruin the moment, thank you Joel Schumacher."
- [After Batman is buried under a pile of sand] And to add insult to injury, Catwoman will now take a dump on him.
- "Is this a robin?" "No, it's a helmet, you dumbass."
- "I shall be the Green Lightbulb!"
- This:
Two-Face: "Heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damn head off!" (throws coin into the air) |
- "Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, they're not."
- "Oh God, they're not even trying anymore." "Even the Electric Mayhem wasn't this electric." "Looks like board game night at Elton John's house."
- "Tell me your fantasies." "Oh. Oh, that's just nasty." "Tell me your secrets." "Oh, ew, with a kumquat?"
- "I'm going to tell her... everything." "Even the sex change." "What?" "Nothing!"
- "Which one should I steal? Adam West, Michael Keaton... Clooney? What the...?"
- "Wayne Manor..." "...he killed how many prostitutes this time?"
- "Trick or treat!" "I'll unleash the hounds."
- "This is the douchiest way to do your laundry ever."
- "Mom, why are we walking through David Lynch's brain? It's so foggy and scary and empty in here!"
- "Hey, look, the first Batman movie is on!" "Have you ever frolicked with a fox in a flickering fire? ...no, wait, that's terrible; wait there, kid, I got a couple more I want to try..."
- "It's happening again..." "I'll have Alfred get the rubber pants."
- [in a campy, lisping voice] Hi! This is Joel Schumacher. Allow me to explain this sudden change in style, location, and lighting.... I'm a bad director. The explanation is over.
- (On the Riddler's light-up suit) "Guess where he hid the battery."
- (In response to a close-up of a very... unfortunate... place...)"Why is there a zipper there?!"
- (After Batman enters Riddler's very cheesy lair) Ugh... I miss the Joker.
- "Hey, it's Two and A Half Men."
- "Edward Nigma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman." "Who is this 'Adam West' he speaks of?"
- "Uh... are they holding hands? "There's nothing ambiguous about it anymore..."
- "Tommy Lee Jones IS Billy Dee Williams IN the role Aaron Eckhardt made famous!"
- "I think Commissoner Gordon has entered his second childhood." "Hee hee hee, hahaha! I WANT COTTON CANDY! I WANT A CANDY APPLE! BRUCE, GET ME SOME COTTON CANDY!"
- The Running Gag about the Dawson Casting of Dick. "I'm 15, really" "Oh God, I'm an orphan. A 28-year-old orphan" "I wish I was never legally made your ward at the age of 34"
- "I gotta save that booty, and Dr. Meridian."
- "HI! I'M YOUR DESTINY!"
Batman and Robin
- A choice selection can be found here. But for specifics...
Mr. Freeze: I hate it when people talk during the movie! |
- I'm George Clooney and I'm...sorry.
Robin: I want a car! |
- "Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon! We were waiting for the car to slowly spiral out of the floor!"
- "The ice-man cometh!" "The audience goeth!"
- "So where did [Mr. Freeze] get these guys, anyway? Was there an ad that said, "WANTED: THUGS. Must Be Skilled in Hockey and Stunt Skating. Obedience Required -- Enthusiasm A Plus!"?
Mike: (during the opening Lock and Load Montage) You didn't accidentally rent Butt-Man & Robin, did you? |
Poison Ivy: First...I'll rid myself of the fur and feathered pests... |
Mad Scientist: I have created viaducts into the most primitive part of his brain -- |
- "PHYSICS!"
Poison Ivy: I am Nature’s arm! Her spirit! *crash* Her will! *crash* |
- About Mr. Freeze's pointy-mobile:
Kevin: It looks like a Dalek that went to Hot Topic. |
- (Frozen phonebooth) "NO! Not the TARDIS!!!
- Don't forget this little exchange:
Kevin: Okay, spiky gloves? |
- "Quick Robin, he's heading into Narnia!" "We're seeing the clouds of cocaine that fueled the script-writing session behind this movie."
- "Bat Skates, Bat Bombs, what's next, Shark Repellant?"
- Also, this bit:
Bruce: Is it always my way or the highway? |
- "Uh oh, they're gonna start humping the aquarium..."
- At the auction:
Poison Ivy: Some lucky boy's about to hit the honeypot. |
Kevin: (as the rocket smashes through the museum's skylight) If you want to view paradise~ |
- We simply can't forget this little homage after Bane is first created: "Now we'll put boxing gloves on his hands, sit him in front of a computer and force him to answer emails!"
The Dark Knight
- (Alfred enters a shipping crate to get to the new Batman lair)
Kevin: (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning litre of drug store vodka sir. |
- Jokes made at the expense of Aaron Eckhart's "chin ass."
"His chin ass is obscene!" |
- During Batman's Hong Kong mission: "A hostage situation has developed at Nakatomi Plaza."
- "Judge Grandma, serves brownies and justice piping hot."
- Bruce Wayne knocks out Harvey Dent:
Rachel: What are you doing? |
- When Bruce Wayne encounters one of Joker's thugs:
Joker Mook: Hands up, pretty boy! |
- "Then you're gonna love me... people say I have a puckish sense of feistiness that's irresistible."
- Bill's overjoyed exclamation of Krankor! when the Joker's sarcastic laughter interrupts the mob meeting.
- From Batman's interrogation of Maroni:
Batman: "SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS!" |
- When Harvey claims to be Batman:
Kevin: "Don't act so surprised, after all that was part of his campaign slogan." |
- During the street chase:
"What the hell is that?" |
- The RT crew chuckling during Batman's "WHERE ARE THEY!?" screams as they literally feel the effects of Narm. Results in a running gag throughout the rest of the commentary.
"You ever wonder if Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask On-Star 'WHERE ARE THEY!?'" |
- "...and I won't kill you, because I liked you in Newsies."
- The Joker explaining his madness:
Joker: Do you know why I use a knife? |
- When the Joker slides down that massive mountain of moolah:
Bill: He's the first non-duck to amass enough wealth to do that. |
- The annual Police vs. Firemen softball ends horribly again.
- When the title appears at the end, and the trio presumes the movie was filmed backwards, wondering what kind of crazy director would film their movie backwards...
- The Movie Referee.
Harvey: "...You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." |
- During the scene with Rachel and Harvey tied up.
(Close up on the bomb countdown.)) |
- Also:
Rachel: Can anybody hear me?! |
- "During the scene on the ferries:
Passenger (a woman with dreadlocks): Go ahead, do it! |
Harry Potter
General
- The Harry Potter series as a whole has a long Running Gag of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping Death Trap, given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
- After Hagrid breaks down the door
Bill: Bonesaw is ready....to be the father you never had |
- "His jammies show that he means business."
- "And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
- "Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
- "Somewhere out there, beneath the paaaale moonliiiight..."
- After Hermione cast a full body-bind curse on Neville
"Anyone else want to be a hero?" |
- Mike: WE DON'T NEED NO wizard EDUCATION!
- Upon meeting Hagrid:
Harry: Excuse me... |
- Bill: Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!
- The first Quidditch match:
Kevin: On my signal, untether Purgatory! |
- When McGonagall turns from cat to human in the classroom:
Mike: Mrowrning, class! |
- "Join us, son... join ussss..."
- Draco summoning his broomstick:
Mike: Sieg heil--I mean, up! |
- Quirrell: TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!
Kevin: Troll in the dungeon and pumpkins in the sky!
Mike: More like "gin in the teacher." - During the life-size wizard chess game:
Ron: The queen will take me. |
- During the Finger-Poke of Doom scene:
Kevin: (as Voldemort's face) "What's going on? Are we winning? What's that smell?" |
- When Hermione is moping in the restroom
Bill: It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying. |
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
- "Bet you can't guess how drunk we are!"
- "Ron! Fred! George!" "Ringo!"
- When Harry is escaping from the window
Mike (as Uncle Vernon): * gasp* Bacon sandwiches, is that you? |
- On Gilderoy Lockhart's introduction:
Mike: Yes, treat your family and friends to the flavor of traditional Northern Irish ham. |
- "Charlotte's funeral service just let out."
- Upon finding Mrs. Norris petrified:
Filch: You've murdered my cat. |
- (on Harry speaking parseltongue) "I believe that translates to "Watch out for snakes."
- The disclaimers about Quidditch:
Mike: Quidditch: it's like the WNBA divided by curling! |
- (of Malfoy) "Boy, is my face punchable!"
- When Snape hurls Lockhart to the ground during the duel session:
Hermione: Do you think he's all right? |
- Harry, Ron, and Hermione run into Harry's room to find everything messed up.
Mike: (as Hedwig, perched nonchalantly on the nightstand) Okay, I did it. I was bored. Hoo. |
- "Check, pleeease."
- "For God's sake, CHEEEEECK."
- "The Justice League of Hogwarts answers the call!"
- As Harry flails wildly with his sword during the battle with the basilisk.
Mike: (laughs) Nice sword work, Harry. Skip fencing, too, I see. |
- As Harry stabs the diary Horcrux:
Kevin: (as Tom Riddle) Ooh, when I turned myself into a book, I never imagined for a moment that books could be damaged. |
- "Sweep the leg, Draco."
- Any time any of the riffers mimic's Dumbledore's wheezing.
- Commentary on the general cruelty of the wizarding world, such as
McGonagall: "Today we will be transforming animals into water-goblets." |
- On the enchanted diary:
Bill: "Buy the new bestseller by Tom Clancy, "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!" |
- Dumbledore: [Raspy] In the past few hours...
"Did he just die right there?" |
- Dumbledore: "All exams have been canceled."
Bill: "Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!" |
- Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:
Mike: For God--you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible! |
- The endless round of applause that closes the film is taken to its logical conclusion: the whole hall has been cursed to applaud for eternity, or at least until their deaths.
- After Hermione freezes the pixies Lockhart let loose:
Neville: (hanging from the chandelier by the collar of his shirt) Why is it always me? |
- Ron's curse:
Ron: Eat slugs! |
- About Moaning Myrtle:
Bill: It's Harry in a wig, isn't it? |
- After the spider scene:
Harry: "Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent." |
- "I'm a faucet, I actually don't understand any language."
- Hagrid: "The owl carrying my release papers got all lost and confused..."
Bill: "Accidentally released a half-a-dozen unrepentent serial killers instead." |
Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban
- "If you bring me flesh I will do your bidding."
- "Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
- Mike's Dementor song.
- The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
- Bill: [as a student] Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
- The boggart scene.
Lupin: Picture your grandmother's clothes, only her clothes. |
- The truth comes out:
Hermione: (pointing at Lupin) He's a werewolf! That's why he's missing classes! |
- When bowing to Buckbeak:
Hagrid: Nice and low... |
- After Hermione punches Malfoy:
Hermione: That felt good. |
- Lupin: I've looked worse; believe me.
Mike: I don't; sorry. - During a shot of Sirius in prison:
Kevin (as Sirius): I'm gonna get out of here, change my name to Gordon, and commission! |
- Mike's mix of the Dementors and Oompa-Loompas.
Mike (quietly and sinisterly): E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo... |
- While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played Eragon hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
- Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:
"Ah, so you need parent's permission to visit the local tea shop but Quidditch? The less parents know the better." |
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
- When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:
Mike:"Ahh! Undead!" |
- [Moody transforms Draco into a ferret]
Moody: I'll teach you to curse someone while their back is turned! |
- After the ferret episode:
Malfoy: "My father will hear of this!" |
- "CSI: Burwick-Upon-Tweed"
- Bill (as Dumbledore): "I will now fight the big lady to the death!"
- As Moaning Myrtle flirts shamelessly with a bathing Harry:
Harry: "Myrtle..." |
- Bill: "The collective might of the Wizarding World is helpless against six bad guys."
- David Tenant appears on screen:
Kevin: Hey, it's Doctor... Uh... |
- Kevin's interpretation of Roger Lloyd Pack's appearance of Barty Crouch Sr. looking like Hitler and then proceeding to act as such.
Barty Crouch Sr.: The rules are absolute |
- Cedric Diggory's memorial service
Dumbledore: I think therefore you have the right to know how he died. |
- Alastor Moody's first Defense Against the Dark Art's Class
Alastor Moody:YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED... |
- Before the second task
Bill: Longbottom's transformation into Oscar Wilde is right on schedule. |
- When Harry is having a nightmare (he's lying in bed, eyes closed, sweating and shifting):
Mike: I get it, he's lonely! We don't need to see how he deals with it! |
- During Moody's class on the Unforgivable Curses:
Moody: Give us a curse. |
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
- Dumbledore: Albus... Percival... Wulfric... Brian... Dumbledore.
Kevin: The third... Esquire... Jr.......Mrs. |
- [During Fudge's press interview]
Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts- |
- Mike: The Floo Network, it's like The Food Network but instead of cooking it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
- [In Dumbledore's office]
Harry: LOOK AT ME! |
- [After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic]
Mike: [as Dumbledore] So Harry, how are your classes going? |
- "Good morning, evil grandma!"
- This bit:
Ron: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger? |
Mike: "Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins." |
- "If the kitchens ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school."
- "I only eat moonbeams."
- As Harry enters Umbridge's office:
Mike: (as a kitten plate) "Hi. Welcome to Hell." |
- Harry puts on his glasses
Mike:(As Harry) Dumbledore, shouldn't we have a spell that fixes eyesight? It seems like that... |
- "And somewhere on the internet a new fanfic pairing is born"
- "Sometimes you just need a good burp to get out the Dark Lord"
- When Fred and George suddenly aparate right next to Harry:
Kevin: "Gah! Avada Kedavra!" |
- A small, but great bit comes when they suddenly have Umbridge hiss at Fred and George.
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
- Hermoine: "If I were you, when he's around, I'd keep the snogging to a minimum."
Mike: "And stop wearing that shirt that says 'Doing Ron's sister.'" |
- Dumbledore: "Harry do as I say."
Mike: "The Harry Potter series summed up in five words. |
- Any time in the series Mike shows off his Snape impression but especially later in the series:
Snape: Retrieve . . your . . wand. |
- "Dragon.........balls?"
- "Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner."
Indiana Jones
Raiders of the Lost Ark
- A lot of it can be found here.
- "Gestapo Pizza!"
- "They've seig-heil'd so many times, the words have lost all meaning."
- "The gasoline! What will power our Nazi go-karts?"
- "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again, shoot him!"
- "The idol is mooning us with full cheek spread!"
- "So it's one tug for I found it, two tugs for The mummy is real and absorbing my soul."
- "Please, sir, that is our only horse!" "Cram it, Osama!" "That is our only means of bringing water to the village! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
- "And thus, Al Qaeda is born."
- "Indiana Jones, meet Dusseldorf Strauss!"
- "Goinonbreaknowbye!"
Dietrich: I am uncomfortable with the thought of this Jewish ritual. |
- "The funeral of Gary Coleman was a sad affair."
- During the bar fight: "Oh good, a... pirate".
- "Forgive me, father, I killed, like, eight guys today...hey, kid! Get out of my confessional!" "This is our kitchen." "No, you're drunk!" "Daddy!"
- "Its filled with Skittles!"
- "Grandpa tried to light the grill again."
- "Hey boss! Guess what? (THUD) I'm dead."
- "All these people do is get stoned out of their gourd and laugh like the Predator!"
- "Oh great, fanboys! Look, I've told you: I don't give a damn who shot first!"
- *WHAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAG Ghh" "GO PACKERS!"
- "Hitler, crazy? That's a reach."
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
- As soon as the film starts, we get: "And we're back with Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Fire."
- The grand marshal of this year's gay pride parade, Shia LaBeouf!
- Man, that guy is begging for suicide by ent!
- On Cate Blanchett's accent:
Indy: You're not from around here, are you? |
- Sung to the classic Indiana Jones theme as Indy "runs" on top of crates escaping gunfire:
Bill: Here we go now! Really sloooow! Nearly limping! 'Cause he's old, old, old! Old, old, old, old, old, old oooooold! |
- Any of the cracks the guys make about Oxley being insane and smelly.
- After the logic-and-physics raping "Nuke the fridge" scene, Kevin wisely observes: "Okay, I guess for the rest of the movie, Indy battles bone cancer."
- When Dr. freaking Jones pronounces the word "nuclear" as "nu-cue-ler", Kevin says: "Nu-cue-ler: you might as well put it in the dictionary!"
- After Indy pulls the classic (read: stupid) blowing-the-dart-back-at-the-native trick:
Bill: (as the native) Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision! |
Lord of the Rings
The Fellowship of the Ring
- "Uh-oh. They've invented the tank--pack it in, boys."
- During Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party:
Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. |
- When the Ringwraiths attack Bree:
Aragorn: I know what hunts you. |
- During Galadriel and Frodo's mirror conversation:
Galadriel: I know what you saw. |
- Gandalf's arrival:
Frodo: You're late. |
- This exchange:
Saruman: Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind. |
- During a sweeping shot of The Shire:
Mike: You should see that place now...hobbit massage parlors, tacky billboards, little hobbit streetwalkers with shaved feet... |
- Gandalf: Bilbo...the ring is still in your pocket.
Mike: Along with two pistachio shells, a breadbag tie, and some lint. HA HA, you see, I'm magic! - Legolas' first appearance:
Mike: And all the teen girls say "He's a boy, but he looks like me and he's safe! I love him!" |
- Kevin, at the very beginning, talking about how rapt with anticipation he is to see one of his favorite characters of all time - Tom Bombadil, perpetrator of the novel's infamous Non Sequitur Scene who was never at any stage of production to be included in the film.
- One of Disembaudio's sync lines, delivered in a complete monotone: "You. Shall not. Pass."
The Two Towers
- "They're gonna mess with the Rohan?!"
- The first time Frodo and Sam meet Gollum, and Gollum throws himself onto Frodo:
Mike: Any girl whose ever worn a Sailor Moon costume at Comic Con knows exactly how he feels. |
- When Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli meet the exiled Riders of Rohan:
Eomer: What business do a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark? |
- Turning "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew" into a Stupid Statement Dance Mix.
- (As the Elves enter Helm's Deep) "Hey, can you point the way to Thermopylae?"
- "And his tombstone will be on a post-apocalyptic college campus."
- Before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
All (as orcs stomping their spears, in unison): Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot. |
- Similarly, as Haldir's elves prepare for battle:
All: (turning) Hey, look over there. (placing swords on ground) Boy, don't these things get heavy. |
- Again, before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
Mike (singing): And all the little orcs are marching, red and black helmets waving... |
- "I don't know, but I been told...Orc strong, but they not smart."
- "Who leader of club made for you and me? Orc can't spell, but it Mickey Mouse."
- About the aftermath of the impending battle:
Theoden: Crops can be regrown. Homes rebuilt." |
- Aragorn returns:
Legolas: You look terrible. |
- To Faramir:
Sam: Will you not help him? |
- Theodred's death:
Bill: The death of Hanson. |
- The impaled Uruk head's possible last words:
Bill: Hey, throw me a grape, I'll catch it in my mouth...what's that? ...Look out for what behind me? |
- At the Wargs of Isengard attacking the Rohirrim: "They smell bacon!"
The Matrix Trilogy
The Matrix:
- When Mr. Anderson is being admonished by his boss:
Boss: You have a problem with authority-- |
- When he's fleeing the Agents for the first time:
Mr. Anderson: This is insane...! |
- When Mr. Anderson gets his mouth sealed shut:
Mike: Amazing it doesn't impair his acting talent. |
- "We melt down Terminators to make our mirrors.
- "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT!!! Short and stout."
- During the scene where Morpheus explains The Matrix to Neo:
Morpheus: How did I beat you? |
- Trying to discuss what The Matrix is...
Mike: Okay, okay, so let me see if I understand The Matrix now... |
- "Okay, so weaponry, travel, computers, they're still super-advanced...but pornography, of all things, is still stuck in The Fifties?
- "And when you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, do you crunch them very fast?"
The Matrix Reloaded
- Their introduction:
Mike: Before your favorite franchises were afflicted with "Godfather's Syndrome" and let you down with number three in the trilogy... |
Trinity: (on the phone) I'm in. |
- "The passionate dialog crackles with Anakinian lust!"
Trinity: What is it? |
- Link is returning home to his wife
Link: Where's my puss... |
- During the infamous dance scene/sex scene
Kevin Murphy: This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in The Deer Hunter. |
... [Later]
Kevin Murphy: Okay, now it's lasted longer than the entirety of The Deer Hunter. |
- When Smith starts cloning himself:
Bane: Oh god! |
- "Father Reeves, Action Priest!"
- "Pop goes the Agent~!"
- "Big deal; Jackie Chan did this stuff drunk."
Smith: Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, some part overwritten or copied...It is at this point irrelevant." |
- The ten-second chorus of "Mr. Anderson" from Mike, Kevin, and Bill upon the arrival of all the Mr Smith clones.
- This exchange:
Kevin: So the nature of the universe is a date rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog? |
- "The St. Valentine's Day Mass...ive failure!"
- During the big fight in the parlor:
Mike: Uh oh, guys. I...I just had a horrible thought, and I need to share it... |
- Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:
Kevin: Huh. My thorazine's kicking in- do things seem slow to you right now? |
- During the highway chase scene:
Kevin: Ah~ a little car crash porn! |
- Later:
Kevin: Just when David Cronenberg was lighting up a cigarette, relaxing, this starts him up all over again! |
- And later still:
Mike: (chuckling) David Cronenberg will have to check into a hospital tonight; he's no spring chicken anymore! |
- "Laurence Fishburne fires his agent!"
- Along the same lines:
(a guy in a car gets hurt, who looks like...) "Will Ferrell!" |
- (sung to the tune of the Superman theme) "It's Keanu Reeves, he's going so fast~! It's Keanu Reeves, he's trailing some garbage~! It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl~!"
- "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, serious, people; I think the machines started it!"
- "Hey, you in the back, this is an anti-machine rally, quit doing the robot!"
- (Random black man jumps towards to screen) HI MOM!
- During Neo and Trinity's sex scene: (sing-songy) "Neo likes Trinity, Neo likes Trinity!"
- Pretty much every reaction to the Architect's long-winded speech:
Kevin: Words wordswordswords words…words words words. |
The Matrix Revolutions
- Lets get ready to RETCOOOONNN!!!
- During Smith's Villainous Breakdown:
Bill: He's having a total eclipse of the heart! |
- And then during his death:
All: (as the Smith clones are staring to explode, in unison): Turn aroouunnnnd, briiiiiiight eyyeess... |
Bill: I like to play this soundtrack when I mow the lawn, makes me mow the hell out the the lawn! Sometimes the lawn actually bursts into flames... |
- "Lizard people... somehow responsible... must warn David Icke!"
- "Remember guys, these movies are philosophical."
"Yes, I actually do find myself drifting to thoughts of Socrates...IN that I want to drink hemlock and die." |
- Counts as both a Genius Bonus and a Take That against a bit part played by Cornell West:
West: We can't treat this as a hopeless cause. |
- During Trinity's death scene:
Ow, ow, ow, OW! |
Spider-Man
Spider-Man 2
- "Whooo! Yay ledge!"
- "And her entire skeletal system was pulverized."
- "BOOOOOONESAW IS READY! To be left out of this picture, and feel really depressed about it. Seriously, BONESAW was seeing a therapist for a while. But now, BONESAW IS REAAADY... to get on with his life." (After he appears in the retelling of the first film during the opening credits.)
- Introducing the robotic arms.
Reporter: But Dr. Octavius, if the artificial intelligence of these arms is as advanced as you suggest, wouldn't that leave you vulnerable to them? |
- Bruce Campbell's cameo
Bruce: "And you might want to..." |
- When an image of Norman Osborn appears in the mirror.
Harry: "Dad, I thought you're..." |
Spider-Man 3
- During Harry and Peter's climactic fight:
Harry: I protected you in high school. Now I'm gonna kick your ass! |
- During the first Peter and Harry fight scene:
Harry: You knew this was coming, Pete! |
- When Peter is trying to resuscitate the unconscious Harry:
Peter: HARRY! |
- A wonderful bit of Crosses the Line Twice humor after Peter gets the symbiote suit:
Bill: He can jump really high and he now "gets" Tyler Perry. |
- After Black Suit Spidey breaks Eddie's camera:
Eddie: What the hell?! |
Star Trek
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
- When Khan lifts Chekhov by his spacesuit
Mike: Chekhov, now with E-Z-Grip handle! |
- On the rendering of the Genesis Effect
Star Trek: Generations
- "Onscreen." (A group of Klingons appear) "Aah! Offscreen! Offscreen!"
- Then there's that priceless moment when Bill asks about the female Klingons "Do you think we're seeing the only hairless part of their breasts?" and Mike can't help but scream.
Picard: Warp One, engage! |
- "Romulan, Breen, and Klingon!" "Oh my!"
- "Doctor... Sauron..." "The Dark Lord?" "...Doctor Tarien Sauron..." "Oh, Doctor The Dark Lord."
- The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.
Kevin Murphy: Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made. |
- Interestingly, during Picard's tearful anguish over Renee and Robert's death, the crew become more or less silent and allow the scene to play through without mockery.
- Which could be considered a Crowning Moment of Awesome for Patrick Stewart.
Star Trek (2009)
- "No one's gone here before! Permission to boldly go?"
- "And now: the haunting, lyrical, kind of Samuel Barber-ish 'Husband Killing' theme."
- "The Kelvin is also known as the USS Red Shirt."
- (Pretending to be baby Kirk:) "Wah... wahwah. Goo... googahgah."
- This exchange:
Sarek: (to young Spock) Emotions run deep within our race. |
- About the Romulans:
Bill: There's a Blue Man Group missing a couple of drummers! |
- During Kirk's academic cheating trial:
Kirk (to Spock): Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to. |
- As the inappropriate funk music kicks in at the end of Spock's refusal of the Vulcan Science Academy:
Kevin: Funky Spock! Funky Spock! Gimme some of that funky Spock! Uh! |
- At the abrupt end of Kirk's trial:
Starfleet Academy Headmaster: I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 immediately. Dismissed. |
- "She-Hulk is pleased!"
- On the bridge, where we meet...
Sulu (played by John Cho): I'm Hikaru Sulu. |
- "AH!!!! We went to Detroit by accident!!!"
- "Has anyone seen my hamster?"
- When Nero introduces himself to the Enterprise:
Nero: Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero. |
- On the drill landing scene:
Mike: So if I understand their plan correctly, it was: "Fall out of ship." |
- "Tell my bald wife and bald kids how bald I think they are!"
- After planet Vulcan is destroyed
McCoy: Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist! |
- When Kirk gets ejected onto the ice-planet in an escape pod:
Kevin: Kirk is ejected along with a dog-eared copy of Twilight. |
- "What the hell? Is that a tauntaun?! You guys marooned me in the wrong franchise, you idiots!"
- (in regards to the first appearance of Spock!Prime) "Alright, let's get this over with...Vulcan sign; 'Live Long and Prosper'; where's my check?"
- "It nice seeing the Creature from the Black Lagoon getting work again."
- When Kirk and Spock!Prime meet Scotty:
Scotty: I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel.
Scotty: Are you from the future? |
- "Nobody knows when it's appropriate to do impressions of Spock roaring."
- As Scotty dries the insides of his ears, one of the trio makes a little squeaky sound.
- When Kirk sees Spock and Uhura making out:
Bill (as Kirk): I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of. |
- Their faces don't look like OUR faces! SHOOT THEM!
- When the drill attacks San Francisco:
Kevin: It's the vengeful laser-ghost of Harvey Milk! |
- "Well, I guess it's time to summon Lord Vader."
- "Master Splinter?...Raphael?...anybody?"
- "How many people are gonna choke me (Kirk) today?"
- "Backstreet's back, alright!"
- "Only one brave sperm penetrates the egg's outer wall. Brave little sperm!"
- When victory is achieved:
Mike (as Spock): Nice. |
- At the end:
Kirk: Scotty, how we doin'? |
- "Scotty and his wife have a weird relationship."
Star Wars
Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace
- The opening with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan:
Qui-Gon: Be mindful of the living Force, young padawan. |
- Any and all riffs pertaining to Jar Jar, but particularly when just resort to cursing him:
Jar Jar: We've no nuttin' moola to trade (or something stupid like that). |
- And this one:
Jar Jar: WEESA GOIN HOOOOOOME! |
- Kevin actually vomits for five minutes while Jar-Jar talks.
- One scene has an unfortunate angle of Jar-Jar as well, as Jar Jar swims away from the camera for a few minutes.
Mike: Ah, thank you for giving us an unhindered look at the business end of America's most loathed character. |
- And this surprisingly classy discussion of just how Jar-Jar annoys people:
Kevin: See, my opinion, the Jar-Jar thing isn't so inherently racist as it is more broadly offensive. |
- This exchange:
Yoda: Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. |
- Also "Hey, Yoda, up the hell shut!"
- Mike's reaction to Captain Panaka's rapid Info Dump:
Mike: Wh-who's everyone? Resistance to what? Leaders of what? What's the Federation? What the HELL is going on!? |
- This exchange:
Mike: Remember when Macbeth said that life was a tale told by an idiot? I actually think he meant to say Star Wars Episode One is a tale told by an idiot. |
- [as a battle droid] "Rommel, you magnificent son of a bitch, I read your book."
- The Running Gag of Kevin mispronouncing the names of both Padme and Naboo. This eventually turns into a game of coming up with Star Wars names more horrible than the real ones, which they end up accomplishing in the middle of the climax.
- "Every fanboy's dream: take Natalie Portman to their room and show her their robot."
- On C-3PO meeting R2-D2:
Kevin: And so begins Hollywood's most enduring gay couple. |
- On Jar Jar stealing food with his tongue.
Kevin: Stop tonguing my fruit! |
Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones
- This exchange:
Mike: R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids. |
- This scene in the Greasy Spoon with the slovenly cook Dex:
Kevin: Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants. |
- When Anakin kisses Padme:
Chad Vader: Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete. |
- As C3PO and R2D2 watch their marriage.
Mike (as C3PO): Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law. |
- After one of the "wittier" lines:
Mike: The dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding! |
- This exchange:
Mike: Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who? |
- After Anakin finds his dead mother:
Yoda: Anakin is in pain...terrible pain... |
- Taking Padme's "I love the water" and turning it into a Running Gag. Example:
Padme: I love you. |
- When Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight:
Kevin: Nuclear silly-string! |
- Later...
Chad Vader: I'm a master of the lightsaber and even I'm bored. Let's get it on, people! |
- The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
- Kevin's opinion of the Romantic Plot Tumor:
(Shot of the Clone Army) |
- And of course from this point forward through the remaining 4 movies (and Holiday Special), the Running Gag about how much Anakin/Vader hates sand.
- After a scene featuring much whining from Anakin (I forget which one)
Chad Vader: My brother was a puss. |
Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
- [During the scrolling letters]
Bill: Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that? |
- Kevin finally cracks during the space pod battle:
Kevin: Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won’t have Podracing will it. ‘Cause, ‘cause if so, Mike, I’ll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you! |
- Continuing the gag of not caring about the battle scenes:
Bill: [during the opening Battle of Coruscant] Bad thing: I don't know who is fighting who, where, about what. Good thing: I don't care! |
- This particular exchange after one of Yoda's, um... yeah:
Yoda: I hope right you are. |
- This exchange:
Mace Windu: I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi |
- This exchange:
Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil! |
- As Mace Windu:
Bill: I have had it with these motherf**kin Sith on this motherf**kin planet! |
- Any and all jabs at Hayden Christiansen's talent...or rather, lack thereof.
Bland? |
- On Anakin's transformation into James Earl Jones:
Bill: He can't do it all at once, or it'll kill him! He's gotta work his way up the manly scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett-- |
- This exchange:
Palpatine: NO...no, no YOU WILL DIE! |
- On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:
Palpatine: ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... (voice lowering with each word) ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace. |
- Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:
Bill: If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it. |
- As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:
Kevin Murphy: (as Tarkin) Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the wall of the window. Until then, looks cool, eh? |
- When the Wookies are preparing to charge:
- Any and all Palpatine Old Man jokes.
I want a muffin. |
- The Running Gag about R2 being a droid serial killer.
- This:
Padme: Ani...I'm pregnant. |
- "I believe I have the right to know if you are pants-crapping insane!"
- The I Am Very British persona they give Obi-Wan.
- Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.
Bill: ...Uh, Samuel has the guy pinned down now, Mike. |
Star Wars IV: A New Hope
- "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a film maker said, 'I WILL create a character named Kit Fisto!'"
- "Door. Guys. Door! Guys! DOOR! GU-ah, crap."
- "Good guys are dropping left and right, the Stormtroopers have no idea how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened to them before!"
- "It's the Council of Lousy Haircuts!"
- "....when did we let an American in?"
- "Can't we have just one nice meal together?"
- "My pants are plastic/My helmet's tight/My balls are swinging left to right!"
- "Chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe..."
- "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
- One of the most callous and hilarious one-liners in the entire series riff:
C-3PO: I'm C-3P0, human cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2. |
- Bill's reaction, a dark little chuckle and an understated "Utini" makes it the funniest thing to ever happen.
- Absolutely EVERYTHING regarding the unfortunately named Porkins.
Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back
- "Oh, man. Oh, Luke, you okay? I was out cold there for a few minutes, I got this broken nose, blood everywhere, really embarrassing. Hey, my seatbelt's a little stuck, can you, uh, help me with it? Uh, Luke, where the hell are you going? This isn't funny, man. Don't take my wallet, you piker! When I get out of here I swear to God I'm gonna OHGAAAAA!"
- On the probe droid on Hoth:
Kevin: Look out, it's a probe droid. Don't let it see your ass! |
- When Chewie giggles at Leia's jibe at Han.
Kevin: (as Chewie) Pwned! |
- After Leia kisses Luke:
Bill: (as Leia) Now, if you don't mind, I have to go make out with my Dad. |
- "A KLANSMAN!"
- "Hm. Tripping balls I am, right now!"
- "Lando?" "Cerebro?" "Magneto!"
- "Down boy, quit humping my leg!"
- "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."
Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi
- Pretty much anything relating to the Ewok/Stormtrooper battle:
- "The Hurt Locker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
- "Today's the day the teddy bears have their murder!"
- "Remember: these are the Empire's best troops."
- "My God, they're eating them."
- "It's like a scene from 'Harry and the Hendersons: Harry Goes to Iraq.'"
- Imperial Officer: You rebel scum.
Bill: You Imperial slut! |
- [Watching the rebels being massacred outside the Death Star]
Emperor: The Alliance will die. As will your friends. |
- "And now they're visited by Porkins the White."
- "It's a trap!" "This is no time to quote tired Internet memes, sir!"
- "Fifty thousand, no less." "What, do I look like I'm made of money?" "No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!" "WHO SAID THAT?!"
- On the famous Leia gold bikini:
"There it is, the outfit that singlehandedly makes Comic Con bearable." |
The Star Wars Holiday Special
- During the intro:
Announcer: Introducing Chewbacca's family! |
- When Malla contacts Luke Skywalker:
Luke: Oh, look, R2, it's Chewbacca's family. |
- During the scene where Lumpy watches a holographic circus thing with obnoxious music in the background, every riff is a Crowning Moment of Funny:
(Mike, Bill and Kevin all scream in terror when the first acrobat appears.) |
- During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:
- While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":
Mike: You know, sure, this makes me wanna drive a masonry chisel into my kneecap, but on the bright side, at least it's not Rachael Ray. |
- And later:
Mike: Uh, you sure this aired during the family hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the FCC likes to see before ten... |
- When Stormtroopers show up at the Wookiees' home:
Mike: (as Itchy) Don't worry, son, they can't shoot straight, and they're easy to kill! |
- Mike misinterprets the lyrics to Jefferson Starship's song:
Jefferson Starship: Will you light the sky on fire? |
- Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
- Turns into a Brick Joke during the Wookiee gathering near the end.
Bill: This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire! |
- This exchange:
Kevin: So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced George Lucas underground and his creation Star Wars was never heard from again, right? |
- During one commercial bumper:
Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment! |
- This little addition to Princess Leia's song:
Leia: That one day we'll be free… |
- During the obligatory commercial for Star Wars toys:
C-3PO: Star Wars - you and your children loved it! |
- When Ackmina is trying to get her customers to leave.
Ackmina: Aren't you listening to what I'm saying? The Empire has SHUT US DOWN! You've got to GO now! |
- During a CBS newsbreak:
Bill: This just in: Christmas has been cancelled due to sadness caused by The Star Wars Holiday Special. |
- Mike: "All your base are belong to Lumpy."
- After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:
Bill: (as Itchy) There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it Death Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots. |
- When the first commercial appears.
Kevin: (on seeing Willie Rawles, GE employee) ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform? |
- The Fruit of the Loom commercial:
Mike: (as lady) What the hell are you, tobacco?! |
Transformers
Transformers (2007)
- When the Popeye robot is after Sam:
Sam: He's gonna kill me! |
- When the Sector 7 cars pull up outside the Witwicky residence and the various agents pile out...
Kevin: Mr. Anderson... |
- When the various character groups meet up at the Hoover Dam:
Tom Banachek: Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here. |
- The Decepticon role call turned into something out of Thomas the Tank Engine.
Revenge of the Fallen
- The first thing out of 'Sam's mouth after meeting the Primes and returning to life:
"God is a bunch of robots!" |
- Bumblebee's reaction upon seeing Sam apparently die.
"I'm free! I'm finally free!" |
- Bill General Motors would like to remind its many former employees not to think about how much all the product placement cost.
- On the appearance of the twins.
Mike: Oh good; twin mechanical Jar Jars. |
- When a poster for Bad Boys II appears on screen.
Bill: The movie Transformers 2 would like to take this moment to remind you Michael Bay sucked 14 years ago too. We now return you to your noisy mayhem. |
- During the opening:
Optimus Prime: ...a species much like our own: capable of great compassion... |
- Everybody Shea!
- Wawawawabubububububbababababababa!
- Nonononononon!
Dark of the Moon
- Mike's gotten the hang of naming Transformers.
Mike: "Arise, Decepticons! Starchunk! Thunderbucket! Slaptimus! Bughunt! Snaketocopter! And Mortimer W. Clankitybritches!" |
The Twilight Saga
Twilight
- Right off the bat, they start arguing about vampire sparkliness:
Mike: Thank you, and welcome once again to Riff Trax, where I am joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. |
- Just before the opening credits:
Bella: And...this will be a good thing... |
- "Yeah, that's the new girl; she'll fit right in driving Fred Sanford's truck!
- In the cafeteria:
Girl: ...we're talking Olympic sized! |
- "Llllllllllllllllllllllladies?"
- "Lllllllladies." "Bill, those are guys." "Oh, well, dudes that look like llllllladies."
- "THIS! IS! Forks High School, home of the SPARTAns!"
- "The silver screen cannot contain the heated passion of Twilight!
- "It's hard to look Badass posing next to a Volvo."
Edward: No one will believe you! |
- Kevin's version of Edwards song to Bella.
- "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"
- "It's fun being eternally damned!"
- When Edward reveals his nature to Bella for the first time:
Edward: Say it... |
- Bella is visiting the Cullens
Mike: You like Legos? Cause I got tons of Legos (sic), I got Lego Star Wars, and Power Miners, I got like a bajillion Beeonicles (sic) too... |
- "Vampires keep themselves harnessed to the ceilings at all times in case a production of Peter Pan breaks out."
- "Is there a production of Peter Pan? Because we're ready!"
- "She was coached by Shia LeBeouf for this scene."
- The scene where Edward's snuck into Bella's bedroom: "What was our math homework?"
- Cafeteria scene:
Bella: You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash. |
- After Edward has saved Bella and kisses her in the hospital:
Mike: Aw, I-I'm weakening, guys. I mean suddenly feel very invested in their love. It's-It's my love, too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds. (Cut to a shot over a forest.) Look, beautiful trees, as-as beautiful as the love between Edward and Bella and me and their beauty and... [THUNK] Ow! You hit me with a phone book! |
- When Bella and Edward are practicing dancing:
Mike: You mind if I slit my wrists right now, get ahead of the curve? |
- Mike, Bill, and Kevin worrying about the taxidermy animal in science room. (I'd say It Makes Sense in Context, but...it doesn't.)
- "Typical night at Jack Nicholson's house, circa 1975."
- During the...well, rapidly changing scene:
Kevin: I'm having another acid flashback, right? |
- Early scene mentioning the investigation into mysterious deaths.
Sheriff: Well, another hiker got attacked by something in the woods. |
- Humming "Yakkity Sax" while Edward runs up the hill with Bella at superspeed.
Twilight: New Moon
- As the movie opens...
Mike: And we're ba-- |
- Bill's epic Cluster F-Bomb in the opening sequence.
- Bella has a gift for Jacob:
Bella: It's a little crazy... |
- This exchange:
Alice: It's just a little...blood. |
- (To Bella) BOOOO! YOU SUCK! BOOOO!
- During the scene where Edward is walking through Italy to go ask the Volturi to kill him:
- As Bella is being led away from the Volturi, passing by a group of tourists being led into their chamber. Screams are heard...
Bill: Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, for the love of God, tour groups should stop going into that Castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered. |
- Pretty much the entirety of the treatment the Volturi in terms of Frank n Furter esque moaning, mockery of their effeminate portrayal, and in particular their reactions to Michael Sheen whenever they are on screen. In particular this little line as Edward is about to ask them to kill him
Bill: The High Council of GAYness will see you now! |
- Early on...
Edward: (To Bella) This will be the last time you ever see me. |
- When Jacob first removes his shirt
Kevin: Aaaaaannnd |
- Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:
Mike: And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination. |
- The end, after a whole movie's worth of sending out mixed messages and crushing hearts:
Bella: [to Jacob] I do love you. |
- Used as a Running Gag, they keep trying to catch Bella actually making it through a sentence without a Shatnerian pause. Sometimes she actually manages what would count as a whole sentence only to continue the sentence after a long pause.
- Cliff-diving:
I regret not buying more shiiiiiiiiirts! |
- And when Bella goes cliff-diving:
Drowning: the only way she could get more pale and sad. |
Twilight: Eclipse
Jacob: She broke her hand...punching my face. |
- "Make as many mistakes as you can", the advice that inspired M. Night Shyamalan.
- Jasper flashbacking
Bella:How do you know so much about this? |
- Following an awkward conversation between Bella and Charlie.
Kevin (as Charlie): ...[takes a swig from his beer] Work your dark magic, booze. |
- Continuing the Running Gag from previous films, the guys continual irritation by Bella's inability to finish a...sentence, without pausing.
- Plus their horror at Charlie throwing in a random pause. "It's an epidemic!"
- [During Charlie's embarrassing marriage/sex talk with Bella]
Bella: Oh my God, Dad! I'm a virgin. |
- The other Running Gag of "Line?", especially when Bella is freezing in the mountains: "L-l-line?"
- "Theeeres a pooooosibilityyyyyyyy" "Stop it!" "Come on man!"
- To the tune of "Dream Weaver," while Riley is sneaking through Bella's house:
Kevin: Whooooooa, dreeeeeeeamcatcher, I believe you can hang there and do nothing through the ni-hiiiiiiiiiight! |
- Who's the bad guy?
Edward: It has to be the Volturi. |
- Bella macks on Edward:
Kevin: Mmm...you taste like Clearasil and indecision! |
- As Jacob keeps Bella warm through the night:
Edward: Could you at least attempt to control your thoughts? |
- Any and all remarks in regards to Charlie's mustache.
- And on a related note, TEAM MUSTACHE DAD!
- A hilarious Shout-Out to The Room:
A vampire: Don't worry about it. |
- Even as she tries to clear things up, Bella continues to be the master of mixed messages.
Bella: [to Edward] This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob. |
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 1
- Before the riff was even released the trio did a Rifftrax announcement of the impending riff, during which Bill leaves for a moment to pass a kidney stone just as Kevin and Mike start mocking the whole "Jacob imprints/falls in love with a baby" thing. When Bill returns holding the kidney stone in a glass jar, Kevin "imprints" on it much to the other's disgust
- Bill singlehandedly making a Running Gag of Edward not being able to fart, until the other guys start thinking it's in the actual movie.
- "We here at Rifftrax would like to remind you that for the last three years, Bella and Jacob have been the two most popular baby names, so please, stop it."
- Priest: "Ladies and gentlemen we're gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan..." "Also my bible just burst into flames for some reason."
- Talking about how the book couldn't possibly be told in one film at any especially slow moment.
- "The elderly couple in Up had hotter sex than this!"
- On Sam Uley's wolf voice: "He sounds like Darth Vader trapped down a well."
- As Bella picks up a cell phone: "She tried to play Words With Friends but all she could come up with was 'Uhh?' and 'Edward!'."
- Everyone greets Jacob with "Sorry about Abduction."
- "So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephanie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged, you need to be hospitalized now."
What? In dog years, she's like 14 hours! |
- Mike & Bill's "super gay Volturi voices".
- "Oh for the love of god, do something, you apprehensive, brain damaged...mouse-haired...sea cucumber!"
- This insight into Meyer's writing:
Carlisle: We didn't think it (Bella's pregnancy) was even possible. |
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