Zero Punctuation/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • Wait until after the credits of the Guitar Hero: World Tour review to hear Yahtzee sing his "Deus Ex Song."
  • "20 minutes. Outside. Puffer fish."
    • "Okay, now I just have to figure out if that was a man or a woman..."
      • Also from his Witcher review: "You might say it's sexist to treat women like a baseball card collecting mini-game, so you can ogle their luscious rounded boobies and melt away between their smooth milky thighs as the sweat runs in rivulets from their writhing, sensuous body, but...sorry, I forgot where I was going with that."
    • THINK OF SOMETHING WHOLESOME INSTEAD
  • (Waffle about game physics)... "and now, to counteract the seriousness of that last sentence, Boingo Boingo Whoopsy Knickers".
  • After spending the whole Tomb Raider: Anniversary review trying to avoid referring to breasts, Yahtzee falls prey to the Freudian Slippery Slope, which culminates in a Hurricane of Euphemisms for boobies (See the header for Keep Abreast of This Index)
    • Before that, his musings on playing the original Tomb Raider as a kid:

Yahtzee: It kind of takes me back to when I was fifteen and playing the original Tomb Raider and I'd back her up into a corner to get the best view[1] of her juicy--thighs.[2]

(Caption reading "Phew, That Was a Close One" pops up)

"Innovation is to this franchise what a double cheeseburger would be to a lactose-intolerant Hindu!"

    • And the image of vampire Lara recoiling and hissing at the sight of the double cheeseburger.
    • Not to mention his hilarious matchmaking of Lara:

"If she did choose to settle down I have the perfect candidate for her husband...Jason Vorhees. They've got so much in common: they both have an embarrasing amount of adventures that all follow an extremely specific formula; they both have an irrisistable compulsion to murder God's creatures; they've both spent a lot of time underground; and most importantly neither of them will ever JUST FUCKING DIE!"

    • Lara looking down at her hands in a "What kind of monster have I become?" way after shooting someone. Followed by her casually brushing off some dust and wearing the dead guy's brain on her head. "I'M MISTER BRAIN HAT!"
  • I had to go back and look again in the Manhunt review when he claims the game "only stands out in the area of juvenile gore", illustrated with a graph that asserts that Barbie Horse Riding has over twice as much hardcore violence as Resistance Fall of Man.
  • "I don't get why some people find fat people attractive, but then again most people don't get why I like to wrap my cock in lettuce and hide it in other people's salads."
  • "The Hero called "Link" on the few occasions I'm mature enough not to abuse the "Enter Name" feature, and "Fagballs" on all the others."
    • "Also sometimes I like to name him 'I Say' so that everyone sounds like Foghorn Leghorn."
      • In his review of Ocarina of Time 3DS, he names Link "Fuck me", leading to a moment where Navi says "Fuck me it's cold in here."
        • From the same review, when he says that the N64 "showed you more affection as a child than your parents ever did", and the graphic is a dad whipping a spider at a little kid hugging his N64.
    • From the NieR review, "Before the game tells you his name it asks you if you can come up with a better one, and thus began the adventures of Twattycake, defender of the innocent."
  • Calling Clive Barker's Jericho: "Clive Barker's Clive Barker's Jericho by Clive Barker".
  • The Guitar Hero review being stuffed with Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?, before ending:

"On the whole though it's just not as good as tonguing another man's balls. [both figures stop playing and stare at the fourth wall] I mean... as it used to be. {{[[[Beat]] awkward silence}}] I'm not gay."

    • Even funnier when you realize that one of the two players is his own Author Avatar.
  • From Uncharted, there's a drawing of Nathan Drake juggling a torch, a chainsaw, and a baby. The next frame shows the baby and chainsaw on the floor, along with some blood, covered up by a black censor box that says "THE BABY IS FINE THE BABY IS OKAY."
  • "I didn't [find the voice acting] all that annoying, but my roommate said it was like having his ear canals raped by a man wearing a sandpaper condom. Not in those exact words, obviously."
  • His review of Condemned: Bloodshot has a few moments, particularly as he tries to pour in the Paranoia Fuel into your brain by telling you there is a serial killer living under you bed at this very moment, but "don't look or that'll really piss him off!" And his utter bemusement at the ending of the game:

"Condemned: Bloodshot, by contrast, ends on a stupid scifi tower thing resembling something the Combine would throw together if they were all drunk, and a piss-easy final bossfight which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. I wish I was fucking kidding.

"Go Team Retard!"

"... I thought I'd better go undercover, drill holes into my head until I'm mentally twelve years old, and try out the new flippity gombo spletch."

(summing up Warrior Within) "It just goes to show: never stick your dick in a pudding. It might still be good pudding and you can spend all afterrnon explaining that to people but no one's still going to eat it because YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN IT!

  • From his review of Braid, on the lack of innovation in the games industry: "And do you know who I blame for all this? YOU! Yes, you, the public. Especially you, ADRIAN!"

"That probably isn't your name, but it was worth it to freak out all the Adrians in the world."

"If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible height and hurl themselves out onto an old lady."

  • "Pure, mindless fun, like wrestling an excitable dog in a paddling pool full of disembodied breasts. [beat] Don't think too much about that simile, I certainly didn't."
  • The beginning of the Fallout 3 review:

...Yeah, it's pretty good. (cue credits, which get cut short after two slides) Alright, alright!

Yahtzee's TV: By de way dem cunts be dead.
Yahtzee's Author Avatar: YOU IS DE CUNT!

    • From the same review:

"...but the repetition is eased by the so-called AI Director, an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the point when you need it and a billion zombies whenever he’s bored; which is all the time. "

  • During his Far Cry 2 review whenever he turns on the South African accent.
    • During the same review: "It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild only for it to bewilderedly sit among daisies for several hours before a predator [the predator being Bear Grylls] comes along and bites its entire body off."
  • From his LittleBigPlanet review: "There's a very in-depth level designer built in, with a host of tutorials you'll be tempted to go through just to have Stephen Fry tonguing your coc....hleah for hours on end"
    • Topped during the middle of the video when he 'finishes' the review.
  • The "masterfully executed Link" from his Thief: The Dark Project review, with accompanying visual gag, was an almost painfully hilarious Lampshaded segue.
  • The Curse Cut Short in his 50 Cent: Blood On The Sand review.
  • Resident Evil 5:

It's like watching someone beat their fists against a wall and run off to hospital only to do it some more. And they used my medical insurance. And it's my wall.

  • The Stinger of the Halo Wars review. The imps discuss how tasty Pedigree Dog Food is. Yahtzee is not amused.
    • And while we're talking about Halo Wars...

[About his hostage units on Escort Mission disappearing after the timer runs out] "We lost contact!" went the character... BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. (the words "WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS." appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact - I was looking at them - They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by wriggling our eyebrows at each other! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their Battle Royale collars explode!? Did they lose honor and disembowel themselves? WHAT?!

      • The entire rant at that point is undeniably hilarious.

As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, FUCK. THAT!

        • It becomes about a million times more funny when you realise that this is the first—and, unless I'm mistaken, only—time that Yahtzee has sounded seriously legitimately angry. Not jokey-acting anger, serious, honest to god "WHAT THE FUCK" anger. And it's beautiful.
  • During his H.A.W.X. review he illustrates the enemy PMC attacking Washington. Then the giant, bug-eyed Uncle Sam pops up behind them with a giant "OI!" beside him.
    • Also "I know that drama demands that the enemy actually be a plausible threat, but I still think it'd have been more credible if the enemy had been an army of disgruntled insect people from the Earth's core (five second pause)... WEARING SILLY HATS."
  • His summarized feelings for JRPGs in the Valkyria Chronicles review:

"If you're new to this series, let me briefly summarize my feelings towards JRPGs: UUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH RRRRAEEEEEEEUUUUUHHHH and every single one of them is about androgynous twelve-year-olds killing Satan."

  • While conducting his second annual overview of games previewed at E3: "Final Fantasy XIV! I feel that anything I could say would be repeating myself, so I'm just going to express my feelings with a strangled noise from the back of my throat: Aughhghhghghhghghhghghggh."
    • What's even better is that he continues doing that over the end credits music, even attempting to keep with the tune.
      • "Bayonetta! As in 'Hey, yo' betta not play this game-' OH, FUCK YOU!"
  • From Prototype: "I had to laugh at a moment when I was on a mission, plowing a tank through a crowded street, and over the agonized screams, Alex said: "Gawrsh, I sure hope this is the right thing to do!" It's like if Mr. Bean were a mass murderer."
    • "A sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and Cole has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and fly, like emo Peter Pan." ("THINK WHINY THOUGHTS")
  • From The Sims 3: "This may sound a bit hysterical, but The Sims 3 is probably the most evil game in the world." That line made this troper laugh harder than any other line.
  • The bit during the Silent Hill 2 review with the party blower coming out of Yahtzee's hat. And the look of shock coming from Yahtzee as a result.
    • Every time that happened in the Call of HWAREZ review was also hilarious.
      • "This may surprise you, but--" *party whistle*
  • The distraught level designer in the 2.5D Hoedown who follows him around crying with WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! taking up the entire top third of the screen.
    • Not to mention the subversion of X Meets Y at the end.
  • Your Mileage May Vary, but Yahtzee's terrible-Irish-accent half of the review of Tales of Monkey Island was painfully hilarious.
  • "It's so obnoxiously safe and committee designed that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. ...so that why I've decided to review it in Limerick form".
  • From his Batman: Arkham Asylum review: "Press X to not die KICK ASS."
    • Also from the Arkham Asylum video, at 1:58 of the review, he shows Batman pouncing on and killing a mother cat - complete with mourning kittens.
    • "Another tool in Batman's arse...enal is the Detective Vision, I guess you can't call it 'Bat-Vision', then it'd be a black screen."
  • Scribblenauts "..But as I tapped the block to break it, it shifted slightly, and I clicked the background and fuck, it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do do that. He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a cloud when he grew up."
    • "Scribblenauts comes to us from 5th Cell Media, a bunch of work-shy cheaters whose most notable previous title is Drawn to Life, a game so unfinished that the player had to do half the art design themselves [...] After Drawn to Life they wanted to prove they're not above drawing stuff themselves, so they drew every single object on Earth. Talk about overcomensating!"
  • There is one particular hilarious line from his Wet review.

"The main character is Rubi, a tomboyish assassin who is about as likeable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform."

    • The utter lampooning of terrible gaming ideas scattered throughout Wet's design through use of the game programmer "Pillock," who does everything to please the octopus in his brain.
    • "global wobal wobbity bits"
  • In his Bowser's Inside Story review, a dog randomly gets rocketed out of his DS.
  • Dragon Age Origins: "I'd like to see a Tolkienesque fantasy where the humans aren't the biggest pricks in the room. I mean, a lot of my friends are humans, and some of them are all right."
    • "HELLO, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE."
    • Amusingly, he is saying this about a fantasy franchise where the humans actually aren't the biggest pricks in the room. But this is from the part of his review before he got to Orzammar. *g*
  • From his holiday 2009 review: "This is my one week off! I'm going on holiday."
    • "... That's summer holiday, by the way. Hope that northern hemisphere's weather's working out for you."
  • The Awards for 2009 video's "The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die";

"[After explaining why he does not give the award to Mario] -so instead I'm giving it to Michael Atkinson; a south-Australian Attorney-General who continues to ensure that half the games get banned or censored, and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation AND the world, every second of every day. Well done, you miserable old fuck"

If I were War and I just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped it in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling. I'd go, "Fucking hell! Did anyone just see that!? I am squirting machismo out of my nipples over here! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!"

    • The whole beginning of the review as well:

Well bugger my bumblebee's breadbin! First weeks of Twenty-Ten are going to be fun, aren't they? Darksiders, Bayonetta, Dantes Inferno, and God of War III... God of War ripoff, God of War ripoff, God of War ripoff, and... Well, God of War.

I don't think that's (The game borrowing things from Zelda) the case, thought. To say Darksiders "borrows heavily" implies they did some work of their own. A better phrase would be "Completely Rips-Off with about much shame and emotion as the fucking Borg collective"! I appreciate that taking elements from a good game that work well and play around with menu scenarios isn't a bad way to design games, but when you have a boomerang that can hit multiple targets, a grappling hook that pulls you to climbable walls, and puzzle dungeon about deflecting beams of light with movable mirrors, we've moved from simple "homage" to the territory of "spraying a stolen car and re-selling it to the owner"! Thankfully the last dungeon introduces a gadget that has never been in a Zelda game: A gun that opens blue and orange portals! ... Outstanding.

    • "...The main character looks like someone sat down, started drawing him, and then never fucking stopped. [...] What War looks like is fucking coral reef on legs."
    • "Here are the combos you will need to know to master Darksiders: the Chump Chop ('Square'), the Double Chump Chop ('Square'+'Square'), and the Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha ('Square'+'Square'+'Square')."
  • His mental breakdowns over the utterly complex plots of Bayonetta and, get this, Pac-Man.

Eat pills, avoid ghosts... only sometimes you can eat the ghosts as well if you-AUGH!

"Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his evil clone brother, who is dead, but lives on through his posessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of OH CHRIST I CAN'T GO ON THIS SHIT IS BANANAS" ([Image of a turd] = [Image of a banana] )

    • Speaking of Bayonetta, his British 'immunity' to her.

"Fortunately, being English, and therefore utterly repulsed by the slightest sexual urge of myself and everyone around me, I am immune from any callous attempt to touch my heart via my wrinkly undercarriage, and Bayonetta looks about as sexy to me as a pencil stuck through a couple of grapes."

  • The 'Inspiration-o-meter' from his Dark Void video.
    • Dark Void is "a game that ran out of something. Maybe it was money, or time, or will,[3] or employees, or maybe a giant monster frog demolished their studio while battling Godzilla."
    • "Dark Void started off pretty rocky, but between the rocks I caught a glimpse of something beautiful with cleavage that could hold up a fucking Christmas tree. But once I'd caught up with it and we'd started making out, all its teeth fell into my mouth and gave me scurvy."
  • Borderlands: "Interface 101: the less clicks the better" (Shoots a dolphin)
  • On Mass Effect 2's resource harvesting: "Which is as interesting as it sounds, and it sounds like this: BWUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH..."

"Hello Commander Shepard, wave-hand, I heard you might show up today, nod-head, how 'bout those freaky aliens, eh?, shake-fist, grr-grr, slightly racist undercurrent"
Shepard's response: (Paragon) You should learn some manners. (Renegade) RAAR! SHEPARD SMASH!!!

"So what's the point of having two different experience levels?" you ask. "Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night," I say. "Why's that?" you ask. "IT BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME!"

  • "Grr, your selfless compassion fills me with murder frenzy!" and his comments about how playing as a Big Daddy in BioShock (series) 2 is a bit like "making a sequel to Half Life where you get to play as a gun turret." Complete with a diagram of the controls.
    • Could be more Hilarious in Hindsight, seeing as one of the characters in Portal 2's co-operative mode will be a robot adapted from a turret.
      • "Instead of playing Pipe Dream for half-an-hour at every turn, you do a psuedo-quicktime event for a few seconds instead, and apparently the universe is about to explode, because the quicktime events have actually improved the game."
      • In his first Bioshock review, a line about boiling water apparently being able to form allegences in the game is acommpanied by a jar of water on a bunsen burner screaming "FUCK THE POPE!"
  • The opening of his review of Aliens vs. Predator:

"Aliens vs. Predator is one of those concepts you're probably not supposed to think too much about, especially not the title. Surely they're both aliens, and come to think of it they're both predators, too. Perhaps a more explanatory title is necessary, like Big Dribbly Black Thing That Likes Eating Lance Henriksen and Has a Head That Makes You Wonder About What Sort of Relationship H. R. Giger Had With His Father vs. Big Clicky Invisible Thing with a Crab for a Face That Always Seems to End Up Getting Beaten Up By Big Stupid Lads Wearing Dirty Pants."

    • Also, his description of the Alien formula:

"Aliens take over facility, Marines get sent in to take care of it the same way that bits of bread get sent into ponds to take care of the ducks. And there's inevitably some stupid, evil business/military guy who wants to harness the Aliens, and the more times this happens the more evil and stupid they get: 'Okay, so the last 60 evil, stupid guys who tried to control the Aliens all got their brains spread on cream crackers and served as canapes at the Alien hoedown, but I think their problem was just not being evil and stupid enough'"

    • Concerning combat against Aliens while controlling a Predator:

It plays like a hack'n'slasher that was designed by a pilchard. (Picture shows a exasperated pilchard at a computer saying FUCK YES).

  • Battlefield: Bad Company 2: He actually mentions Haggard's Truck-o-saurus Rex from the first game in it.
    • His description of the game also warrents a mention "Modern Warfare Modern Warfare click click jabber jabber hello bang dead"
  • Courtesy of Final Fantasy XIII:
    • "As a highly respected and successful game critic—SHUT UP, I AM!"
    • QUACK
    • "So, presumably, he's the character most of the audience are meant to project onto."
  • "Some might say that's enough. Some might say I'm too hard to please. But some can shut their fucking mouths." Accompanied by the heckling Imps being chased by a tiger.
  • The critique of Splinter Cell's Idiot Plot and how the villains are Too Dumb to Live.
  • Silent Hill: Shuttered Mammaries Shattered Memories gives you a psychological analysis based on your playing choices [caption: YOU'RE A PRICK] and told Yatzee he was "fastidiously clean and tidy" (besides the rubbish piling up in the kitchen), "family-oriented" (living on the other side of the world from them and never writing) and "possibly crap in bed". "[[[Beat]]] ...moving on..."
    • "And some of the characters wear different clothes. I don't find that red dress particularly intimidating, but - oh fuck, a pink dress, shit's gettin' real!"
    • His description of the blue-tinted Dark World resembling "the night God drank his Slurpee too fast" accompanied by an image of God clutching his head in agony and screaming "FUCK" had this troper in stitches.
  • From his review of Dead to Rights: Retribution:

"In case you never played the first game here's a Dead To Rights Recap: BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH WOOF!"

    • Also from the Dead To Rights: Review.

"Let's just hope it doesn't end up Dead To Rights: Retarded. That would be Dead To Rights: Regrettable."

    • About the takedowns:

"You slap around the enemy enough and he'll get disoriented. Press a button and both he and Jack you'll get transported to a little pocket dimension where pain is God, and Jack Slate is pope!"

    • And the conclusion:

"I even have a good name for a sequel. Dead to Rights: Really. Really, really... Really. Really, really, really... Really... Dumb."

"But I guess calling it "Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to Be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of"... oh fuck it, let's just call it: "You Bastard"."

  • Alan Wake has a side-quest where you collect pages of manuscript about the story you're currently playing. Alan picks up one which reads "Then Alan was savaged by the biggest and most sexually frustrated bear that has ever lived." The bear then appears behind him with a big censor bar on its crotch.
  • From the Red Dead Redemption review: " Sometimes NPCs will get caught in weird quantum singularities, and flicker in and out of a parallel universe where men have merged with horses. Sometimes John's walk animation fails, and he glides merrily around like he's on rocket skates. At one point his love of country got the better of him, and I had to reboot, to stop him humping a mountain."
  • The visuals depicting Alpha Protocol's "incomprehensible miasma" of a plot.
  • During the Super Mario Galaxy 2 review, he tells viewers to "pour yourself a bottle of wine, click on [his review for the original Super Mario Galaxy] and watch that while I sit here and slap myself.". And then the screen goes black for a minute while slapping sounds are heard. When the image returns, his avatar has bruises on his face.
    • Related to his review of Super Mario Galaxy 2, he (unsurprisingly) recieved Hate Dumb mail. One in particular got a charactaristic sarcastic snark Take That reply from Yahtzee in one Extra Punctuation;

First of all, I'd like to return momentarily to the subject of Mario Galaxy 2. I have to say I've really been given cause to reconsider my position on that game, thanks to the arguments of correspondent Chris E., whose eloquent email deserves to be reprinted in full:

"Dear Yahtzee,

You are a faggot. You suck the penis of over 100 different species of animal. You enjoy being raped up the bum by old, hairy men. Your dick is smaller than an average 12 year old's. All you do is say stupid things on teh internet for a living. You have a fetish for grandmas. Go and fuck yourself. Super Mario Galaxy 2 is the best."

What a debater. He should take it up full time. That way we could legitimately describe him as a mass-debater.

    • While it felt like a jab at Nintendo and Mario as a whole, most of the review was still very funny but this part sticks out where a hypothetical Toad says, "Didn't this exact same happen not however long ago? Say did anyone remember to press charges on Bowser, put him in prison or something, what exactly was stopping him turning around and pulling the same **** the moment Mario and the princess were distracted with each others 'cakes'. See people this is why we need to introduce a CONSTITUTIONAL monarchy! Wark-wark!" The visuals help.
    • The text adventure bit.

You are a greasy Italian spaz standing on a platform unsupported in the yawning void of space.
What now?
>DIE OF ASPHYXIATION
You can't do that (somehow).
What now?
>JUMP
You jump, emitting a hearty vocalization like a flamboyant homosexual being goosed while breathing helium.
>AGAIN

  • In the review for Crackdown 2, when talking about the online multiplayer, he says, "Joining random online games is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum."
  • Split Second: Velocity:
    • About driving games in general: "I like them, but I'm terrible at them. It's the exact opposite of the problem I have with fellatio."
    • Driving in real life: "I doubt things would be easier to get around if I was six feet wide and constantly farting carbon monoxide. I don't know how your mum does it."
    • The early proto-man, working on the wheel and threatened by woolly mammoths; "Yes, life was tough in Thatcher's Britain."
  • From his Metroid: Other M review: "...Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball, or, as it's sometimes known, BOING!"
    • Also from that review, his hilariously accurate impersonation of Samus' monotone voice and overly flowerly way of speaking.
      • And his suggestion that they get Brian Blessed to voice Samus.
      • On a more meta note: "On a educated guess, though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache" becomes much funnier when said character is the most likely one to be The Mole.
  • His description of his thought process during his first scary moment in Amnesia the Dark Descent:

"Oh look, physics! I can throw chairs about like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit. Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind? Yawn-o-rama! I guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play Halo: Reach for a bit. Nope, nothing much up here either, I'll just go back and - whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway? I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead. Oh, it's blocked. Guess I'll turn around an- WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!? Augh runrunrunrunrun I'm sorry I didn't mean to mess up your chairs- OH PISSING BLIMEY THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!"

    • Also, "Abloogy-woogy-woo."
    • He closes it out by calling it a good constipation aid.
    • CATCH THE FUCKING EGG!
  • "This might sound a bit weird, but 'hoerdy goerdy bobbley boo.'"
  • From Halo: Reach:

"The very first image in the game is a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain. What the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character gets thrillingly and climactically gets a little bit hot?"

"...wondering if one could improve every Castlevania game by replacing Dracula with the Count from Sesame Street, though probably not Symphony of the Night because you'd have to rename Alucard "Teerts Emases Morf Tnuoc Eht"

    • The joke comes back again in the credits, reading:

"ONE miserable little secret! TWO miserable little secrets! A PILE of miserable little secrets! Ah-ha-ha-ha!"

  • From the Enslaved: Odyssey To The West review:

So while Journey to the West was about an arrogant monkey king who is forced to learn discipline by escorting a Buddhist monk on a pilgrimage, Enslaved is about a bloke slapping robots in the dick. But his name is Monkey, so that's alright then.

  • The entirety of the New Vegas RP.

Woke up in a doctor's office with some guy telling me I've been shot in the head and may have suffered brain damage, but I've learned not to trust the opinion of giant, mustachioed spider-people; so I made my excuses and left.

"Go there! Keep running! Take cover! Not there, you're getting shot! There, shoot that guy! Not him, he's on your side! Can't you tell? He's wearing a slightly different hat! Quick, pick up that grenade and throw it back! I don't know, over there somewhere! Oh, there, see? If you'd thrown it sooner that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt."

    • "Why is my character putting broken glass into the mouth of that helpless prisoner? I don't think he'd find that very tasty--OH BUGGER MY BREECHES that was uncalled for!"
    • "Another opportunity for the Call of Duty franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go PHWOAR!"
    • The beginning and end of the review feature several countries personified as people, including America, Russia, China, the UK and Switzerland. Axis Powers Hetalia references in the comments section were unavoidable.
  • On the iPhone game Fruit Ninja: "You're a ninja, fruit is flying in front of you and fuck fruit. Sitting around all smug, on trees and in pies."
  • Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood: "I don't want play the same game over and over, I get enough dull repetition in my sex life." Caption: "It's always the bloody nipple clamps with you, isn't it".
  • His entire rant on adulthood in the Splatterhouse review.

"Isn't being an adult great? You can go on all the fairground rides, drink yourself to death, and stick your dick in all kinds of magical things! Sometimes I like going to hospitals for terminally ill children and just rubbing it in."

  • The Epic Mickey review. At the beginning he goes into this Heroic BSOD about park mascots trying to sexually abuse him.
    • "And why do you think every other console controller has two analog sticks, Mr. Wii? Do you think it's just for symmetry? Or because they look a little bit like nipples? No! It's because in third-person games, the camera is like the working class: If you can't control it, it will plot to destroy you!" All combined with a picture of a camera stabbing Yahtzee in the eye shouting, "Death to the Aristos!"
      • Interestingly, yes, originally the Dual Shock did have two sticks just for symmetry, thought he's referring to the current generation's controllers so the joke still stands.
  • After awarding his Worst Game of the Year award to Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days:

"Step onto your first-place podium, then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away."

  • The Flat What of the Fable III review. Funniest Flat What EVER!
  • "Oh, goody! Now I can go back inside and keep playing Minecraft!"
    • The Brisbane floods, where "the sandbag fairy had visited all the good little shops", and the visual puns that follow.
    • "With Fisher-Price Shoggoths scratching at the walls, I decided the sensible, level-headed thing to do was to tunnel down into the centre of the Earth".
    • "Ohh, shit. When did I become my dad?"
    • "Why did it get so dark all of a sudden? What's that rustling sound? Why are my intestines over there now?"
    • "Christ, it's like Zelda meets There Will Be Blood!" (with picture of Link being chased by Daniel Plainview wielding a bowling pin)
    • "One: Do not rely on fire to clear away your forests unless you want your gameworld to look like the Vietnam War."
    • "But as I was trying to think of something to do with all these rocks, I noticed a nearby mountain, and thought 'You know what that's crying out for? A Skull Fortress! With flaming towers and eyes that weep lava (because he's depressed by all the kamikaze shrubs).'"
    • Creepers: "It's like their only reason to live is to ruin other people's artwork. There but for the grace of God go I, suicide hedge!" Illustration: Yahtzee running at Fable III with explosives strapped to his body.
    • His entire rant about the appeal of building anything with his example being a golden giant cock and balls.
  • From A Shadows Tale: "...this is the permanent mental state of most adult male nerds in any situation more sociable than jerking off with a hand-puppet. The Ur Example of this subgenre, as in 'Er, what are you doing with that hand-puppet?' would be Ico, also known as I. C. O. if you're WRONG!"
  • Dead Space 2 ramps up the poignancy of the slaughter by initially setting it in children's classrooms full of "blood-stained crayon drawings reading 'I love Mummy and being alive'."
    • "It's set in space, the best setting besides the land of chocolate lesbians."
    • "...that's the game Wet and the game Wolverine, not a game about a wet wolverine, NO SUCH THING EXISTS!"
  • DC Universe Online: His overly long analogy about how reading comics are like bowel movements. Just go look at it.
  • From the Mind Jack review, after commenting on how some viewers didn't know whether Yahtzee was recommending a game or not.

"So in the name of keeping things nice and clear for you touchy sods, let me as unambiguous as possible in this critique. Mind Jack is Fucking. Fucking. Fucking. Fucking. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Play it."

"I did check, and it is extremely possible to make a Mii who has what looks like a cock for a face. It's equally possible to name him 'Senor Koquonfaes' (pronounced "Cock-on-face") and make him your street pass ambassador who greets every 3DS owner in the vicinity with the phrase 'I'M WATCHING YOU' in block capitals. Then all you have to do is walk past the primary school and listen for the losses of innocence."

    • Discussing the console's version of Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory and its "slapdash 3Difying":

"I refuse to believe that no one at Ubisoft QA put their hand up at any point and said: 'Hey, isn't the sky supposed to be behind the sea?'"

    • The 3DSes of Yahtzee and his friend's don't recognize each other, making him assume that the other 3DS "just didn't want to associate with riffraff" because it had more Streetpass hits than his. Complete with the friend's 3DS turning its nose at Yahtzee's while wearing a top hat and holding a cane.
    • Yahtzee's "What the hell is wrong with me?" moment when he reacts with joy at seeing a gathering of children in a park so that he could leave little deposits in their pockets and butt bags.
    • COME ON IN! HANG UP YOUR COATS! TAKE A SEAT! No, not that seat, that's my seat. I'm going to sit in it and gloat over you. (So what about Nintendogs eh?)
  • The Credits Gag at the end of his Portal 2 review, set up at the start with "Early on in the series of increasing lucky breaks I'd hesitate to call a career..."

Well, that was a good career I almost had there.

    • Yahtzee's history with the original Portal makes him a little hesitant to release a definitive statement on the sequel's quality. The result is almost two minutes of increasingly convoluted metaphors, until:

"Portal 1 was a big delicious jam doughnut with cream on top, and Portal 2 is a big Cornish pasty with chocolate in one half and shepard's pie in the other, and- LOOK AT ME DANCING AROUND THE ISSUE. DANCEY, DANCEY, LA-DI-DAH"

  • His description of the enemy variety in Symphony of the Night: "Utterly nutterly butterly."
  • Commenting that the X-ray attacks in Mortal Kombat indicate your character had a skeleton for a stepfather and they have some issues to work out. Said skeleton wears a hat, smokes a pipe, and asks "when is your useless son going to get a job".
  • From this Extra Punctuation: "Brink, besides being what a racist caricature of an Oriental person would say is their favorite Doctor Who episode, is also a disappointing game."
  • From Alice: Madness Returns:
    • "And then Alice promised never to tell her parents."
    • The second mid-credit stinger.

Once I tried to seduce a girl by putting a Drink Me label around my knob, but she did something horrible with a cocktail umbrella...

    • "What I'm saying is that I don't see Alice: Madness Returns making Mad Returns, neh heh nyehh..."
  • While talking about the development team for Shadows of the Damned, Yahtzee has a brief dialogue with the audience, whose words are accompanied by a slide whistle:

"The music's done by Akira Yamaoka-
WHO?
"The guy who did the music for Silent Hill."
WHAT'S THAT?
(frustrated) "A series with really good music."
OH.

    • Also, "Suda, bless his heart, has always had what you might call a long-distance relationship with normalcy." Accompanied by a representation of Suda running around in the background, holding a giant rubber duck over his head and screaming.
    • "Oh there you are, Suda, you randy old bastard!"
    • "Attention, hardcore gamers. Stop chewing on that piece of wood and listen."
    • "[God Hand] was another game that sailed out of Port Sensible on the HMS Quirky."
  • "There is no Middle Finger big enough!", a line in his Call Of Juarez: The Cartel review that I can only hope becomes immortalized.
    • Also, "But before Guatemala can start getting worried, the US government sets up a special task force to take down the cartel, a coalition of FBI, DEA, LAPD... uh... BBC, TCPID, LOL..."
    • His description of the three main characters as getting along "like three Borgias in a hessian sack".
  • Catherine brought us these gems:
    • "...Catherine, a Japanese game centrally about the difficulties of relationships, such as unexpected pregnancy, the impetus of commitment, and being chased up an infinite staircase by a giant, monstrous girlfriend trying to eat you with her butt. Did I mention it's Japanese?
    • (Increasingly amused)"... there's a moral choice aspect where you answer questions based on your own substantial experience with relationships *stifled laughter* "
    • The part in the video where the main character chooses Qatherine (an imp with a bow) over Catherine or Kathrine (the two choices in the game).
      • Having asked if the two similar names will be confusing in dialogue, there's a scene that assigns the wrong personality to each K/Catherine. "I knew this would get confusing!"
    • "...like men are all direction-less tidal waves and women are all dykes build in the way of their raging flood."
      • "Blimey, what a badly worded metaphor."
    • "Wait, what was I supposed to be fixing again? OOH LOOK A PUPPY!"
  • From EP "Why No Couples In Games":

"... how Vamp in Metal Gear Solid 2 was implied to be banging Fortune, but only because Vamp was implied to be banging absolutely fucking everyone, including you as you read this. Try to hold still."

"Wanna hear something crazy? Titty fuck Labrador swimming up the nile. Wanna hear something crazy but also coherent? Julia Roberts was once hospitalized for swallowing an entire vole. Wanna hear something crazy but also coherent and true? Driver San Francisco may well end up in my top five of the year!

    • "SERVE AND PROTECT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN."
    • "He's in pursuit of a crimelord who's out to steal Christmas from the orphans, or something. It's not important."
    • "Yes, it kind of is so fucking goofy that Disney would file a restraining order, but..."
    • The sarcastic, white-bread hero saying "I guess I'm well-bread" and the well-written NPC saying "Looks like I'm bread for success."
  • From the Dead Island review:
    • "So, here's a sneak peak to the soundtrack to a lot of Dead Island: 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'SPLAT!'"
    • The Yahtzee sprite finding out he's on "Bread Island" in the stinger.
    • "Honestly, at this point you people just won't be able to cope if civilization ends any other way, will you? If the fucking Daleks invade or the entire world gets covered in carnivorous jam, you'll have to make papier-mâché zombie facsimiles just to get through the day."
    • "You'll spend a lot of time standing over a pile of dead bodies frantically doing the can-can until they stop moving."
    • "So, to conclude my arguments..."
  • His surprise that Resistance 3 isn't a cover-based FPS, lets you carry more than two weapons and doesn't have regenerating health. He sounds genuinely taken aback.

"Um...Sony, are you alright?"

    • The part leading up to it was no slouch either:

So here we go, another bloody brown shooter for the current age with two weapon slots, cover mechanics, and regenerating health...wait, what are these glowing green things lying around everywhere? Medkits, you call them? What an intriguing novelty! Yes, Resistance 3 does not have regenerating health! Holy bum nuggets, I'm having to desperately seek aid under fire while hopping around on my last remaining limb and things are actually tense and exciting! Oh, but it's small comfort if I can't carry ten weapons at onc - I can carry ten weapons at once. Huh. And there's a Freeze Ray and a lightning rod and something I like to call the Jimi Hendrix Experience because it makes people puke themselves to death.

    • His over-the-top analysis which causes him to believe they ripped off Half Life 2, in a parodic tone, obviously.

"Waaaait a minute...the scientist has a BEARD! What did you do with the rest of the body, Insomniac?"

    • Another one from that review:

"and look: Insomniac Games, if you rearrange the letters, lose some of them and add a few more, you get WE WANT TO BE VALVE"

  • Yahtzee explains why he bought a Kinect:

"Pope Urban VIII probably thought he was very clever when he condemned Galileo, but who got the last laugh there? Well he did, when Galileo died in poverty and dishonour so what I'm basically saying is that I'm like the Pope."

  • In the review of Batman: Arkham City, Bruce Wayne is depicted with the words "Not Batman" written on his chest.
  • In Uncharted 3, Yahtzee begging for Drake to kill an American or an Australian in a possible Uncharted 4.
    • Drake is shown walking along a cobble street into an English pub (entitled "The Cock and Balls"), and, as Yahtzee describes it, "with a fucking red phone box out front!" (cue red phone box and an arrow with the words The Fuck Is This pointing to it)
    • Yahtzee thinks that Drake would be more admirable if he just admitted he was in it for the gold.

Yahtzee!Drake: I want enough money to buy a concubine for every square inch of my cock.
Yahtzee: A whole three concubines, Drake?

    • The assumption that Drake and Elena keep splitting up in games because they have little in common. Drake apparently enjoys watching Time Team and going to blackface minstrel shows.
    • Noting how the enemies in the game all choose to fight Drake in extremely dangerous situations:

"...enacting gun battles in collapsing buildings, sinking ships, dangling out the back of a plane, and on the surface of a flaming meteorite that's speeding towards a lion."

"Now, I've never invaded Europe, except for that one time, but I would think that's a project you might want to stagger out a bit if you haven't forged an alliance with any galactic empires lately."

  • The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim: "Well fuck you, Ulfric Stormcloak, I don't have to help you wash your hairy bagpipes, I can breathe radioactive lasers!"
    • "Like this one undead lad who hit like a runaway ice cream van but who seemed to forget all about me whenever I left the room, so I ended up taking potshots from the door like the world's worst Jehovah's Witness."
    • "Oh yes, and take my advice: get a horse. The horses in Skyrim just do not give a fuck. If there's anything in a half-mile radius that means you harm your horse will not rest until it has been powdered."
    • " Oooh, look at Sir Allen Sugar over there, he's too rich and important to adventure properly. Would you like to skip to the ending cutscene because you have to go and buy a new aeru-plane before the shop's shut?"
  • On Saints Row the Third:
    • Yahtzee laments the lack of a socks option for customizable clothing. "So I can no longer wear fishnets under a sensible business suit and role-play as a Conservative MP."
  • The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword

"You suck a guy's cock. "BING!~ LINK I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT YOU ARE SUCKING A MAN'S COCK! THERE IS A 70% CHANCE THAT YOU SHOULD NOW CRADLE HIS BALLS!""

    • "As always, the game starts with Link oversleeping. I have a theory that Link is like Sherlock Holmes and can only function as a human being if he's either on an adventure or enough cocaine to floor a sumo wrestler."
  • For his Top/Bottom 5 of 2011, the intro descriptions of the rankings accompanied by appropriate sound effects are funny enough, but the crowners are 3rd worst: "Shitting the bed while your girlfriend is over" followed immediately by 2nd best: "Shitting the bed while your girlfriend is over and discovering she's into that".
    • Comparing the worst games of the year to "being cockslapped by your own herniated bowel."
    • "Oh, happy new year, by the way."
  • The top/bottom of 2010, however, had such counters as "Jumping off a rainbow onto someone you hate" (second best) "Weedkiller Martini" (third worst) and "Mistaking a deep fat fryer for an eyewash station" (second worst).
  • In "Super Mario 3D Land/Rayman Origins", He liked Rayman Origins, but didn't like Super Mario 3D Land, causing Yahtzee's criticism to eventually devolve into "Aaah..." and "Grrr!", respectively (ending in a series of them: "Aaah... Grrr! Aaah... Grrr!").
  • From Sonic Generations:
    • "And it would probably get you thrown out of a restaurant"
    • "But lest you accuse the game of putting them in for fan service - although I'd hate to think what kind of fan was baying for a return appearance of fucking Charmy the Bee."
  • From Star Wars: The Old Republic:
  • Addendum to the AMY review:

"I find that 'I will die of an indistinct infection if I don't remain physically close to preteen girls' rarely goes down well in court"

    • Amy in general is one of his better recent reviews. Like Halo Wars which was mentioned before, he really dislikes this one, and truly shitty games seems to bring out the best in him.

"Aww, I'm sorry the monster-infested post-apocalyptic death city wasn't providing quite enough stimulation for you, sweetheart. I know where there's never a dull moment: my fucking S-bend!"

    • "I mean, Alex from Silent Hill: Homecoming rolling around the city streets like Sonic the fucking Hedgehog was just dumb!"
  • "Mass Effect brought us a race of all-female bisexuals who are culturally obliged to bang anything that moves, and you wonder why I prefer Sci-Fi these days."
  • The sack analogies in NeverDead. And then the third developer pops out of a pillow fort.

"You know what I hate? YOU NOT BEING IN THIS FUCKING SACK RIGHT NOW!"

  • The episode descriptions can be this at times.

"This week on Zero Punctuation, Yahtzee compares Sim City to Nazi Germany."

  • Arguably, Yahtzee's at his best when he can come up with a hypothetical scenario that literalizes a sarcastic remark, as in the above "right hand on a Sunday night" and "last male panda." Another one: "As the disbelieving friend said to the inventor of the feces-powered helicopter, "THIS SHIT WON'T FLY!". Most recently, "As the operator of a coin operated artillery cannon might sarcastically yell to a retreating army, you should never be afraid of change".
  • The prediction about what Microsoft's Kinect might turn out like:

"So everything will be fine until a wasp gets in the room, and then your character will promptly throw all their grenades away and pummel a chair! "

  • From Deus Ex:
    • About the tranquilizer gun:

"It's supposed to be for stealthy no kill runs, but it just makes enemies run around screaming for five minutes before falling over, and that's not very tranquil. That's like inventing an antidepressant that makes people believe there's free money inside their wrists."

  • His Prototype 2 video. Five words: FUCK AROUNDY MAKEY SUPER MURDER
    • "Possibly Liverpool?"
  • The entire epilogue video for Risen 2: Dark Waters, as a DJ to Black Mesa.

"You're listening to Black Mesa Research Facility Internal Broadcasting Friday Morning Drive Time Fun Slot, playing the hits while you play God!"

    • "To Security Officer Calhoun outside Sector 7-G: Stop banging on the door, we know you're out there, we just don't like you."
    • From the review proper: "If you have Dark Waters, you should probably go see a doctor about that."
  • Sniper Elite V2:
    • "It would be nice if you could tag enemies while looking at through the sniper scope, instead of hurriedly switching between scope and binoculars like a badger-watcher with anger-management issues..."

Yahtzee's Avatar: YOU STRIPEY FUCK [gets dragged away by an imp]

    • He realizes that he has nobody's word on the chain of events but the protagonists... and proceeds to go wild.
  • Mercenaries 2 has "Forgiveness, however, isn't one of my strong points..."
  1. ↑ arrow points at her chest
  2. ↑ arrow points at her thighs
  3. ↑ Will Smith's face
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