Homestuck/Characters/The Felt Two

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Doc Scratch

A very mysterious gentleman whose goal is to bring about the end of the universe, thus summoning an omnipotent Eldritch Abomination. The First Guardian of Alternia and is thus extremely powerful and extremely intelligent. He was created by the trolls' Black Queen, using genetic code scribed unconsciously by the trolls as well as Vriska's magic cueball and a dimensionally displaced Lil' Cal.

Communicates in all white text, with perfect capitalization, punctuation, and grammar and rather formal diction, using no tags before his lines. {{[color|white:It resembles these very sentences, which people lacking advanced vision or advanced knowledge must highlight in order to read. People, like yourself, with limits to their knowledge. People he calls suckers.}}] This annoys Vriska to no end.

After the events of the Great Undoing, Doc Scratch dies and becomes Lord English inside the Green Sun.

  • Abusive Parents: As the Handmaid's father figure, and likewise towards Vriska.
  • Affably Evil: He casually tells Spades Slick to help himself to some candy before they continue their negotiations, which consists of Scratch beating him until Slick agrees to do what he wants.
  • Angrish: When he gets angry, his chat color changes from white to Text To Run Away From Really Fast.
  • Asexuality: Heavily implied, although not stated outright.

TT: And does this mean you are attracted to me?
TT: Suddenly this conversation is kind of terrible.
{{[color|white:Of course I am not. Not in the way you mean.}}]
{{[color|white:And anyway, you are applying standards of conduct frowned upon for your kind which make no sense to apply to me.}}]
{{[color|white:I am an immortal entity with a large cue ball for a head, and no biological means of reproduction.}}]

  • Badass Boast: "{{[color|white:I have power and knowledge far surpassing a god.}}]"
  • Bait the Dog: DS is presented at first as a gentlemanly villian with a good sense of humer. Then we find out what he's been doing to the Handmaid.
  • Batman Gambit: States that his MO is to "nudge" people down routes that they would have taken anyway. Makes sense, considering the cue ball's goal is to 'nudge' the other pool balls into pockets...
    • The End of Act 5 proves that Scratch is the undisputed master, by volume if not by success. Each and every playable character, Jack Noirs included, were being set up in order to help him create the Green Sun, when everyone who knew about the Green Sun thought that they were trying to destroy it.
    • Instead of killing each other like he wanted, Slick and Snowman have a hatred-induced make out session with each other. When Doc Scratch intervened, he gave Slick the gun he ultimately used to kill Snowman anyway, showing that this was his intention all along.

{{[color|white:But when that bullet clears the barrel, it won't be my finger on the trigger.}}]

  • Battle Aura: Acquires one when beating the ever-loving hell out of Spades Slick.
  • Berserk Button:
    • When he discovers that Vriska has one of his magic cueballs, he reacts... badly.
    • Also, when Slick destroys his clock.

{{[color|white:I can tolerate many things from a guest. Curt manners. Egregious womanizing. Murdering the help. Casual arson. Even atrocious candy bowl etiquette. But it is the desecration of a priceless timepiece where I must draw the line. I'm afraid I must now insist that you take your beating quite personally.}}]

  • Big Bad: Of Act 5, before his death.
  • The Blank: As The Felt's cueball, he has no facial features whatsoever.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: Suddenly and completely takes over as the narrator twice in the story. The text even becomes white to show this.
  • Brutal Honesty: Unlike Hussie, he doesn't screw around with wordplay or otherwise try to downgrade serious occurrences with comedy while narrating. His narration of what we would've seen if Disc Two wasn't damaged in his own words: Rose dies, John doesn't, the end.
  • The Chessmaster: Seems have been orchestrating all sorts of events from behind the scenes (most notably, the entire Green Sun incident). He even has models of Skaia on which he plays complex games.
  • The Coats Are Off: Planning to get physical with his guest Spades Slick, he removes his coat.
  • The Corrupter: He's one of these on a cosmic scale, manipulating sessions into guaranteed failure so he can warp them into twisted, sociopathic killing pens designed to produce "ideal" players...whose actions only create another failed session.
  • Cryptic Conversation: As befitting the cue ball's role of nudging things. "Don't turn your back on the body". WHICH BODY, Scratch? WHICH ONE?
  • Deadpan Snarker: Usually.
  • Death Seeker: His death is a necessary step in summoning Lord English.
  • Do Not Taunt Cthulhu: When he attempts to make amends with Vriska and implies that she will come across a monopoly of misfortune if she refuses, her only response is a torrent of childish insults. Rejected, he almost-outright states that Vriska will not survive the destruction her actions will cause. She didn't.
    • Given his omniscience and role in preserving the Alpha timeline, this may have been nothing more than an attempt to slip in a barb on Vriska. He knew she wouldn't act differently, and his job was to preserve the cascade of misfortune that brought about Lord English -- but he left her with the blame for it.
  • The Dragon: Of a sort to Lord English, even though we never see them together.
  • The Easy Way or the Hard Way: Presents this option to his guest, even though he knows it'll be the hard way.
  • Evil Mentor: He's the one who's responsible for post-Scratch Alternia's whole Crapsack World / The Spartan Way / The Empire thing through the use of Aradia's ancestor, as explained here.
  • Exact Words: His M.O. for conning his marks. None of his direct statements are lies (with occasional exception made in the short term for jokes) except by omission, but he leads others astray with implications, hypotheticals, and generally presenting just enough information to lead his listener to the wrong conclusion.
  • Expressive Cueball Head: Normally blank white, but sometimes it displays images.
  • Famous Last Words: S u c k e r s . A perfect summary of what just happened.
  • Fan Nickname: Before he was revealed, he was named White Text.
  • Foreshadowing: He always claimed to be a magnificent host.
  • Fourth Wall Observer: He knows the viewers have control over Homestuck through commands, not to mention he speaks directly to us. At one point, he even has the "disc" for Homestuck.
  • Friendly Enemy: To everyone to an extent, but especially Spades Slick.
  • Gambit Roulette: Justified - his plans can't fail, not because of their fiendish cleverness so much as the fact that anything which would deviate from the alpha timeline -- i.e. the one resulting in his creation and his death as Lord English's host -- creates an alternate timeline that is doomed to inevitable destruction. In other words, his plans are guaranteed success because You Can't Fight Fate.
  • Giggling Villain: "Haa Haa Hee Hee Hoo Hoo"
  • Hollywood Dress Code: Invokes The Mafia suspenders removing his jacket before beating his guest.
  • Hostile Show Takeover / Interface Screw: At one point he hijacks the entire story and the MSPA site is changed to reflect this, having a green color scheme. It's impossible to view the pages any other way as well. He also changes the site's banner to reflect the events in the room as they happen while the comic continues on.
  • Kansas City Shuffle: Virtually nobody trusts him, but everyone falls for his schemes.
  • Kick the Dog: His treatment of Aradia's ancestor definitely qualifies. Also a reminder to fans that he's not Affably Evil but Faux Affably Evil.
  • Killed Off for Real: Via his transformation into Lord English.
  • Living Weapon: Admits to being his master's weapon.
  • Made of Iron: Can literally not be harmed, so long as the Green Sun shines.
  • Manipulative Bastard: From the end-of-Act 5.2 flash [S] Cascade, when it's revealed that The Tumor doesn't destroy the Green Sun but creates/created it, that he tricked everyone into creating it, all technically without lying at all. Best summarized with his last words, to Gamzee:

TC: that's all done motherfuckin white texted bro
TC: NOW WHAT?
(mystery text)
(mystery text)
TC: oh yeah?
TC: AND JUST WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK IS IT
TC: that we motherfuckin are?
TC: :o?
S u c k e r s .

{{[color|white:I'm a facilitator, not an assassin.}}]

  • Thanatos Gambit: His death is the final step necessary for summoning Lord English, who bursts out of his corpse.
  • Theme Naming: Like Lord English, his name is a billiards term.
  • Time Abyss: He's almost as old as Alternia.
  • Troll: Juuuuuust a bit. For example, after misleading the reader to the identity of his houseguest:

{{[color|white:Someone who would have suspected anyone else is a person I would also describe as a sucker.}}
Haa haa.
Hee hee.
Hoo hoo.]

    • And then there's mean mind game he plays on Karkat where he tells him never to turn his back on the bodies -- shortly before a few of them go missing.
  • Villains Never Lie:

{{[color|white:Deception is only necessary for those like you to achieve their objectives.}}
I play with my cards face up.
Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win?]

    • He later adds that he usually doesn't lie, except at short to middle term for the purpose of a joke or a prank. Note that he only considers it a lie if you don't find out.
    • It should also be noted that in his chessmaster actions, he never actually lied at all. Rose just assumed they meant the same things. He even pointed this out to Rose specifically.
    • He also doesn't count lies of omission as lies: he can't tell you everything, it would take too long. From his perspective, it's not his fault if you're asking the wrong questions.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: He'll turn limp and lifeless if Andrew Hussie is around; because he's only a puppet.
  • Wicked Cultured: Types in a very sophisticated manner, wears a dashing suit, and lives in an elegant English-style home.

Lord English

The enigmatic leader of The Felt. An omnipotent, time-traveling demon who appears at the end of the universe, emerging from Doc Scratch's body, killing him. Of course, given that he can travel through time, only showing up at the end of the universe is hardly an inconvenience. He's already here.

LE is many things. A time traveling crime lord pimp. An omnipotent, indestructible puppet-based demon. A monster born out of an ancient, short, smug, cueball-headed gunslinger, the blight of two universes by his birth alone. An Egyptian pharaoh Incredible Hulk in shredded pants and suspenders with a green Jigsaw puppet-like skull for head, a gold fang, and flashing pool balls for eyes. And with his gold cuestick pegleg and long coat, appears to also be somewhat reminiscent of a pirate, and may or may not bear some tenuous connection to Skipper Plumbthroat, nemesis of all Squiddles, who have been clearly shown to be friendly cartoon-standins for the dark gods.

GT: So im named after a demon? What kind of demon is named english anyway?
TT: What kind of alien is named Crocker?

  • Would Hit a Girl: "CANE!"
  • Zany Scheme: Ties in with Finagle's Law in that everything bad that has happened to our heroes is ultimately the result of Lord English's meddling. Crappy Troll society? Lord English. Omnipotent, omnicidal opponent who destroys the universe? Lord English. Queen who destroys her universe upon death? Lord English. Betty Crocker from space? You'd better believe it's Lord English.

Her Imperious Condescension / The Condesce / Betty Crocker / B2 Queen of Derse

Also known as "the Baroness" and "the Batterwitch." In the original pre-scratch universe she was Colonel Sassacre's wife and the adoptive mother/grandmother of Grandpa Harley and Nanna Egbert. Although John says Sassacre was Nanna's grandfather, Nanna refers to Sassacre and Crocker as her parents. She disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

In universe B2, she started a multi-global Mega Corp empire that is designated to be inherited by her great-great-granddaughter Jane Crocker (the post-Scratch incarnation of Nanna). Although presumed to be deceased, she is in fact controlling humanity through subliminal messaging.

She is eventually revealed the Troll Empress in the service of Lord English, not that everyone didn't know already. She briefly shaped events on pre-scratch Earth before disappearing in an unknown fashion and arriving on post-scratch Earth. It is known however that she has somehow entered the B2 Session and became the new queen of Derse. In the future of B2 Earth, she has also openly taken over and flooded the planet.

Universal Tropes

  • Anarchy Is Chaos: The Draconian Dignitary says that she "seem[s] to revel in anarchy." However, as an iron-fisted tyrant, she's anything but a classical anarchist, reveling mostly in ruling over a broken and bloody social order.
  • Anime Hair: Actually becomes her Distinguishing Mark, see below.
  • Asskicking Equals Authority
  • Big Bad: Of Act 6 thus far, though given that she's still in service of Lord English, presumably he'll prove to be the Bigger Bad or The Man Behind the Man.
  • Chekhov's Gunman/Chekhov's Boomerang:
    • Betty Crocker was first mentioned as John's arch nemesis here when John discovers that Fruit Gushers are a Betty Crocker product and flips out. It is later revealed that she was Nanna Egbert and Grandpa Harley's adoptive mother, and that Grandpa Harley inherited her business empire. Then Nannasprite tells a story in which it's revealed that she vanished without a trace, had many unspecified terrible secrets, and wasn't human.
    • Her Imperious Condescension was first mentioned here in a description of Feferi's status. Andrew on the forum mentioned that she potentially survived the Vast Glub [1]. Then in Act 5 she appears on panel and is confirmed to be Feferi's Ancestor. It is then revealed that she did survive the Vast Glub and is further implied to have become Betty Crocker.
    • And now she's usurped the Black Queen and taken over Derse in the post-scratch Session.
  • The Chessmaster: Her company sent Dave the Miracles Video two years before it would even exist, which Dave would later send to Gamzee, who would go on a rage-filled murder spree, and who also ended up causing the Universe Cancer to go terminal and creating Li'l Cal and Doc Scratch. All that with a single video.
    • Justifed in that she serves Lord English who is all about convoluted plans.
    • Just to drive the point home, she becomes the queen of Derse in the post-scratch session.
  • Combo-Platter Powers: Time magic, Immortality, Mind control, the vast resources of Alternian science, and being really good with her Weapon of Choice.
    • Revealed to have done 'experiments' on herself, adding moreso to her powers. While she herself has some 'life' related powers, She was given Clockwork Magyyks by Lord English. The added powers revealed so far include those of a Gemini Troll (Telekinesis), Taurus Troll (Animal control) and a Scorpio Troll (Mind Control). These powers portray themselves as a blinking zodiac symbol in her tiara.
  • The Corrupter: To Jane, post-scratch Earth, and possibly the entire post-scratch Session by becoming the queen of B2 Derse.
  • The Dog Was the Mastermind: Both Betty Crocker and Her Imperious Condescension were mentioned a few times but initially seemed to have no importance to the story whatsoever. Then Nanna said Betty Crocker wasn't human, and the rest spiraled from there.
  • Evil Is Petty: She ordered humanity to stop reproducing - with Subliminal Seduction no less - apparently because she finds human sex Squicky.
  • Evil Overlord
  • The Faceless: Averted, her eyes are shown and she is shown out of her profile when she is revealed to be the new Black Queen.
  • Good Powers, Bad People: She has mild Life powers, which contribute to her longevity.
    • She also has time magic, apparently taken from the Handmaid.
  • I Have Many Names: About six.
    • No Name Given: Yet all of them are titles or pseudonyms. Her true name is still unknown, though Aranea refers to her as by the name of her alternate, Meenah Peixes.
  • Power Copying: Stole the Handmaid's time magjycks and unlocked Mind Manipulation abilities that allow her to control animals and people.
  • Power Glows: She has the same time magjyck aura that the Handmaid had.
  • Tangled Family Tree: She is the direct genetic Ancestor of Feferi. She is also the adoptive mother to Nanna Egbert and Grandpa Harley, making her John and Jade's great-grandmother. Given the Troll's Ancestors are actually their genetic descendants, Feferi is John and Jade's great-great-grandmother through adoption. And just to make things more confusing, she's also described as B2 John's grandmother and Jane's great-great-grandmother.
  • Wicked Witch: Described as one in two of her identities.

As the Condesce

  • The Ark: Before departing for Earth, the Condesce gathered thousands of endangered species from her homeworld and loaded them into a "red space ark", apparently in order to repopulate them.
  • Bling of War: As the Condesce, she's decked out head to toe in jewelry and wields a fancy golden double trident. She continues the tradition as the Black Queen of Derse, with the addition of the Prototyping Ring (though as a simple, plain gold band it's barely a drop in the ocean on top of the rest of her bling).
  • The Caligula: Went mad as the result of repeated botched attempts to recreate her old empire "in all its convoluted symbiotic glory." The Condesce ends up taking out her frustrations on humankind, of course.
  • Challenging the Chief: How she got the position.
  • Cool Starship: The Condesce's flagship, the Battleship Condescension.
  • Duel to the Death: With the Handmaid
  • Evil Counterpart: To Feferi.
  • Evilutionary Biologist: When her original plans to repopulate her race went bust, she resorted to experimenting with splicing human and Earthling DNA.
  • Fluffy Tamer: Glb'golyb being the Fluffy.
  • Four Eyes, Zero Soul
  • God Save Us From the Queen: Her Imperious Condescension is a pretty horrendous ruler. She flies around the universe, cordially greeting new civilizations, and leaves her vast armies to rip them apart after she leaves. She's mentioned early on as seriously wanting to kill Feferi to avoid having to compete with her for the throne, and it's mentioned later that she's fought and killed a number of potential successors in the past, giving them equal terms in battle only because her lusus demanded it.
  • Immortality Begins At Twenty
  • Living Forever Is Awesome: Right up until the Troll Empire was wiped out at least... but she seems to have her hands full on Earth and Derse.
  • Meaningful Initials: The Battleship Condescension[2], a giant red fork to a certain batterwitch's big red spoon... and big red fork.
  • More Teeth Than the Osmond Family: Has adult-sized versions of Feferi's pointed teeth, and shows them off at any opportunity.
  • Names to Run Away From Really Fast
  • Orcus on His Throne: The Condesce does all her delegating from her ship off in deep space. Her connection with her psychic lusus allows her to threaten entire castes of trolls with total extinction if they don't obey her.
  • Slasher Smile: The Condesce is rarely depicted without a smug/sinister, shark-like grin.
  • X Meets Y: Dirk sums up her powers as "all the X-Men combined into one sexy fish woman in a skin tight suit."
  • You Kill It, You Bought It: The Condesce defeated The Handmaid, and then serves Lord English in her place.

As Betty Crocker

  • Betty Crocker Was An Alien Spy: Her Imperious Condescension has an iron grip (with a healthy dosage of Subliminal Seduction) on post-Scratch Earth as Betty Crocker, who has taken over most facets of society.
  • Evil Mentor
  • Expospeak Gag: B2!Crockercorp properties such as Olive Garden "Feeding Chamber" and Bac-Os "simulated livestock flakes."
  • Expy: Pretty much serves the same role as Doc Scratch did on Alternia, but she's a bit more heavy handed with the manipulation.
    • Also arguably to Snowman, as exiled royalty that adopts another identity in the service of Lord English.
    • She is arguably similar to Glb'golyb in the sense that she's an alien being not of this universe that is enforcing the social order.
  • Historical Villain Upgrade: More like Unhistorical Villain Upgrade: in Real Life Betty Crocker wasn't a villain because she never existed, she was a character made up by the Washburn Crosby Milling Company in 1921. Or is that just what we're supposed to believe?
  • Legally Dead: She vanished without a trace, Grandpa Harley inherited her business empire. It's implied that she went to Universe B2. She disappeared there under mysterious circumstances, and by the modern day is considered even by Jane to be just a mascot.
  • Kick the Dog: Killed B2 Halley just to spite the infant Grandma and Poppop. It ended up propelling Grandma to become the first member of La Résistance against her.
  • Mass Hypnosis/Subliminal Seduction: Betty Crocker products in universe B2 carry sinister subliminal messages telling users to obey and consume, to cease reproduction and die, and to stay asleep.
  • Mega Corp: Type 1 in universe B2. Crockercorp owns not just everything that the real-world General Mills owns or has once owned (e.g. Olive Garden) but is also involved in software, computer hardware, space colonization, and Gushers.

"THE HEINOUS BATTERWITCH HAS HER GNARLED CLAWS IN EVERYTHING. What do Gushers have to do with baked goods anyway??"

    • It's also implied that Crockercorp installed Guy Fieri (of all people) as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
      • It's probably a Stealth Pun as his name is greatly similar to Feferi's.
    • Averted in the pre-scratch universe where Grandpa Harley inherited the business after she vanished and turned it to more benign means.
  • Pet the Dog: She did marry two iterations of Colonel Sassacre, which doesn't seem to be important to her agenda.
  • Psychic Powers: She's used technology to copy the psychic powers of several of the lower castes, including Sollux's, Vriska's, and Tavros's.
  • Sadist Teacher: To Nanna.
  • Sigil Spam: The Betty Crocker logo appears in a few odd places in the pre-scratch universe, like Jade's dream robot, but the trope fully comes into effect in universe B2 where Betty Crocker is a Mega Corp with its claws in everything from baked goods to software to space colonization.
    • And then on 2X3PRONG DAY, the Betty Crocker spoon turns into the Battleship Condescension fork...
  • Theme Naming: "Baroness" follows the pattern of the Troll Ancestors' eight letter names. "Batterwitch" alludes to Feferi's (and presumably, her) Sgrub title, Witch of Life.
  • The Un-Reveal: All we know is that she wasn't human.
    • At this point it's been all but outright stated that she's the Condesce, acting as Lord English's right-hand witch.
      • And it was fully confirmed with style as Jane entered.
  • Villain with Good Publicity
  • Villain World: Post-scratch Earth seems to be this, under her control. In the future she rules openly.
  • Wicked Stepmother: To Nanna and Grandpa when they were kids, and presumably to Poppop and Grandma.

As the Queen of Derse

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  1. ↑ Read the posts after that one too
  2. ↑ It could be reversed given it's the Daedric alphabet upside-down and backwards
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