Diamanda Hagan

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ALL HAIL THE LECHER BITCH
"I'm a shy, meek, small voiced person who understands subtlety, loves people in black masks, and is really greatly enjoying Left Behind. Oh and I love the cock."
—Diamanda Hagan playing against type.

Diamanda Hagan is a Northern Irish Evil Overlord who moonlights as a film critic and host of Diamanda Hagan: Lecher Bitch. She mostly reviews bad movies, but has also done a recap/review of the series Bonekickers, Urban Gothic and Adam Adamant Lives; Twatty Who Reviews, focusing on the worst episodes of Doctor Who, and the Homeless Bsterrd Theatre Reviews starring Aleister D. Homelesssb’sterrd. This is similar to Bum Reviews, but focusing on theater (she even describes him as a distant cousin of Chester A. Bum).

Can also be seen here and here, as well as on Reviewtopia and That Guy With The Glasses. She also has a youtube channel.

Diamanda Hagan provides examples of the following tropes:
  • Accentuate the Negative: Although in Diamanda Hagan Plugs, she plugs movies and shows she likes.
    • Also, during her reviews, if even the smallest thing in the movie is well-done, she'll talk about it for a moment, and then go back to hating on the rest of the movie.
  • Acting for Two: Aleister D. Homelesssb’sterrd.
  • A Date with Rosie Palms: While...enjoying the sight of Kirk Cameron crying in Left Behind it cuts to the Divinyls "I touch myself" with a caption stating "Divinyls break" This happens again after Viv calls Magwilde a "sad, messed up woman" in the final episode of Bonekickers
    • She also turned one of her minions into a vibrator...before retiring to her bedroom for several weeks.
  • A God Am I: Declares herself a god after coming back from the dead in her Intermedio review.
  • Alter Ego Acting: It's safe to say Hagan is nothing like her character.
  • Alternate Universe Counterpart: Nina Galas in the Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist review. She wears clothing with a lighter colour scheme and plain white facepaint, is generally more upbeat if slightly withdrawn, and is routinely abused by the white-masked Tormentors.
  • Angrish: Diamanda tends to devolve into this during her Gwendolyn review due to the Patchwork Map, and having no minions to kill.
  • Anything That Moves: Alistair has a Long-Distance Relationship with his boyfriend Basil. That doesn't stop either one of them from perusing other men, women, or mannequins. And then there was the Equus Review:
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Chastises Wood from Condor man for invading his friend's life, taking over his apartment, almost getting him in trouble with the local law, almost ruining his career by posing as a secret agent, stealing his bed and then trying to wake him up so he could show him his "hand drawn porn."
    • In the review of Starbooty, The main character's boss lists things found in the her(?) niece's dorm room including "Seventeen vials of crack cocaine, 36 used dental dams, a box of dead gerbils and a Lee press-on nail." Guess which on the main character calls the boss out on, which is then called out by Hagan.
  • You Fail Geography Forever:
    • In Left Behind she remarks it's amazing how when it's six in Israel it's 6:03 in Iraq, considering the latter is an hour ahead.
    • Hagan describes the first setting in Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak as a theme-park built on a set that's trying to approximate China. Later in she gets annoyed at the titular land shifting constantly between being a barren desert and a tropical rainforest leading her to yell "Just fucking pick one!"
  • You Fail History Forever:
    • She is outraged in Ilsa that her Nazi assistant is made up to look like Magnus Hirschfeld. It prompts her to get up onto a soap box and point out that Hirschfield in fact campaigned for gay rights and was opposed to the Nazis.
    • One of her major problems with Bonekickers. For example, in one episode when a character remarks that Egyptians and the Greeks were more advanced that Britain 4000 years ago, she points out the oldest known habitation that still exists (and had drainage) is in Scotland. She takes special delight in pointing out stuff that could easily be a plot point if the writers knew anything about history (e.g., a cargo of slaves delivered under a decade after Britain outlawed the slave trade).
  • Audible Sharpness: In Pineapple Chunks.

Diamanda: Really, try lifting a knife in the air and see if it makes a sound like that.

  • Bad Boss: She kills, tortures and is generally horrible to her minions.
  • Badass Boast: Does one at the end of her Biggles review which is also a near word for word Shout-Out to Kai from Lexx.
  • Beat: After Jew Wario punches her during their crossover, Hagan is so stunned that it's a few minutes before she registers a reaction.
  • Because Destiny Says So: Aleister cannot die or be killed "because of the Reason." Every time "the Reason" is brought up to justify a point, the characters inevitably concede to it.
  • Berserk Button: She tends to fly off the handle whenever she mentions the spaceship powered by love from "Fear Her". In fact, "Fear Her" in general seems to act as one.
  • Bigger Than Jesus: After realizing it took her an entire three weeks to come back from the dead, Hagan quips "Still did better than Jesus - He didn't exist!"
  • Black Comedy Rape:
    • In one review she threatens to rape one of the minions and every male in his family until the year 3000.
    • "Cunnilingus time!"
    • Played with in the Eat The Schoolgirl review, where she demands that Oancitizen make a rape scene in the movie funny, and the best he can come up with is playing the theme song from Jem over it. Diamanda is horrified.
  • Borrowed Catchphrase: Aleister has some of the same catchphrases as Chester A. Bum e.g. "I [unusual event] once!" Diamanda also on occasionally uses the M. Bison "Of course!" clip, usually when a character does something that makes no sense.

Diamanda: Emanuele seeks anonymity and a new life free of the burdens of her old. So she lets a newspaper cover the story.
M. Bison: Of course!

  • Book Ends: "This is Bonekickers; you have been warned." "That was Bonekickers; you were warned."
  • Broken Aesop: A character in Raspberry Reich states that masturbation is counter-revolutionary. This is after we've already seen one character masturbate.

Diamanda: "A porno telling us masturbation is bad."

Diamanda: So they strap the hostage to WAIT A SEC WAS THAT LINKARA?!

    • The Battle of the Bone review had cameos by The Omega, Welshy and Film Brain.
    • She appeared in The Nostalgia Chick's review of The Little Mermaid, promoting violence against merfolk.
    • She appeared in The Rap Critic and Marc Mues' review of "Raise Up", where she was asked by Mues to take her shirt off.
    • Welshy had an extended cameo in the The Dragon Lives Again review pretending to be the guy who rules That Guy With The Glasses.
    • After Diamanda remarks how much an actor in Apocalypse looks like Spoony, there are cameos by Spoony, Dr. Insano and a Spoony clone, Christian Spoony.
    • Phelous and Nash appear in the Apocalypse 4: Judgment review. Nash plays Jesus.
    • Oancitizen appears a few times, including the Emmanuelle 5 and Aftermath/Thomas The Tank Engine And the Magic Railroad review, commenting on why he is not reviewing the film in question.
  • Casanova Wannabe: When a male character manages to inexplicably bed an attractive woman, she'll sometimes go out and try the same lines on a woman in real life and get her ass kicked except in the Faust review when it actually worked .
  • Catch Phrase:
    • "Ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not..."
    • "Greetings gentleviewers!"
    • "This is Bonekickers; you have been warned."
    • "I'm Diamanda Hagan and I have to live with that every day."
    • [Clip of annoying character] "Yeah, I'm going to hate you..."
    • "Minions! Do the Dance Of Exposition!"
    • "Hail Hagan!" (disinterested) "Hail me."
  • Caustic Critic
  • Censor Box: Deployed during the more explicit scenes in Ilsa and Emmanuelle 4. In Raspberry Reich the credits state they come from "The Censorship Box Company of Albania".
  • Chekhov's Gun: Or more exact Chekhov's hang glider in "The Man from Hong Kong", which she calls at the beginning of the movie.
    • And "Chekhov's Random as Fuck Ejection System" in The Virus.
  • Come for the X, Stay for the Y: From Zombeak: "I guess that's just part of the charm of the South. Come for the barbeque! Stay for the violence!"
  • Comedic Sociopathy: Just one of many examples: forcing one of her minions to go down on her and then shooting it in the head afterward. She then points out that said act is less evil than anything God as portrayed in Left Behind is responsible for in the movie.
  • Compensating for Something: Regards Thatcher's car in Turkey Shoot as the most phallic truck she's ever seen.
  • Completely Missing the Point: She believes castration to be this.

You cut off his cock so he can't cum, not his balls so he doesn't want to!

Diamanda: Ooh, sorry. Hypnotic boobs.

Diamanda: "In fact it's a lot of not like that bit in True Lies."

  • Does Not Like Men: In Project Million, she tortures LC and is shocked when he actually enjoys it.
  • Dolled-Up Installment: Children of the Living Dead tries to pass itself off as a sequel to Night Of The Living Dead and Dawn of The Dead. Diamanda points out that this doesn't explain why the characters are so surprised when they encounter zombies.
  • Eiffel Tower Effect:
    • Irritated by its application in The Man From Hong Kong, particularly as Sydney Opera House is ten miles away from the nearest airport.

Diamanda: I believe you filmed where you filmed, I don't need it proven by pointless shots of landmarks!

    • This comes under fire again during her Left Behind review after a caption states "Jerusalem."

Diamanda: Yes, whenever I hear that generic Middle Eastern music and I see the massive gigantic golden tit that is the Dome of the Rock I think to myself, "Hmm, perhaps we're in Strasburg!"

Diamanda: They sell things like...fascism...and...crack...to...leprechauns...I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention.

  • Evil Overlord: Hagan is one, and she knows about the...
  • Evil Overlord List: A lot of her actions show that she knows the flaws of other overlords before her.
  • Exactly What It Says on the Tin: Due to his Wolverine Claws, she describes the main character in Faust: Love of the Damned as Techno-Wolverine, with a caption explaining it as "like Wolverine, but more techno".
  • Expy: The characters in the The Worst Witch are so similar to their analogs in Harry Potter, she simply gives up remembering their actual names and refers to them a as Snape, Dumbledore, Draco, etc... The exception being that there is no Harry; the main character resembling Ron.
  • Faceless Mooks: The Minions.
  • Fail O'Suckyname:
    • When she realizes that a character is really called Doctor Munger she goes, "You poor, poor man."
    • She also remarks The Disciples of Good Use from Bone Kickers is the worst evil conspiracy name ever.
    • When she first introduces Elizabeth Magwilde of Bonekickers, she describes her as "the least fortunately named doctor since that prick in 'Memory Run'."
  • Fetish Retardant: At first, she seems interested in a lesbian with a shaved head in her review of Preaching to the perverted. Then she learns that she was played by Julia Graham, who also played Elizabeth Magwilde in Bonekickers, the one character she hates most out of the entire series.
  • Fridge Horror: Why she believes Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS has a less Family-Unfriendly Aesop than Left Behind.
  • Fun with Subtitles: Since most of the characters in Battle of the Bone are mostly unintelligible, she uses subtitles whenever someone who's Northern Irish, aside from herself, speaks. For example, the one English actress gets no subtitles, but everyone else in the film does, as well as one sap on the street, even for lines that are perfectly clear.
  • Getting Crap Past the Radar:
    • There's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it bit of uncensored fellatio in the Raspberry Reich review, partially obscured by a fade-wipe.
    • In review of Starbooty, one of the film's characters was dressed only in what's best described as a fishnet and her nipples were partially visible without any censorship.
  • Girl-On-Girl Is Hot:
    • She's notably disappointed when a lesbian scene is cut short in Turkey Shoot.

Diamanda: I wanted to see naked lesbian crossbow rape!

    • Similarly she's dismayed that any time there appears there's about to be a lesbian scene in Emmanuelle 4 nothing happens.

Diamanda: You fucking cunt tease! You fuck every man in a thirty metre radius, please fuck at least one woman! Please!

    • Tries using her 'godly' powers to turn Intermedio into 90 minutes of Alyson Hannigan having sex with every single woman she finds attractive in order of attractiveness. Sadly, this doesn't work. She also kills a man because Amber Benson's character in the movie doesn't do anything remotely lesbonic.
  • God Is Inept: Observes this in Left Behind, stating that mass chaos would ensue due to the Rapture, including abandoned pets, major traffic pile-ups, and the fact that he's leaving all of your loved ones who have sinned to battle the antichrist. She then goes on to demonstrate that it's worse than her regular antics.

Diamanda: I just shot someone who was going down on me! That's the worst I'll ever do to you!

  • Groin Attack: Once ordered a minion to mail his own testicles to Kyle Kallgren.
  • Halfway Plot Switch: Gwendoline has an unusual shift from adventure to porn. She even remarks that the Genre Shift in From Dusk till Dawn has nothing on this one.
  • Hilarious Outtakes: Hagan Flubs showcases outtakes and alternative takes from her reviews.
  • Honor Before Reason: Aleister refuses to say the word "whore" at auditions, even if it costs him a role. Since said audition was for the lead role in Schizophreniac The Whore Mangler though...
  • Hypocritical Humor: She does this all the time to illustrate a point. Very well, usually.
    • Used in her review of Gwendoline. While she remarks about the sudden genre shift the viewers aren't meant to notice, for the rest of the review she sports a different outfit, make up and hair color than before. When criticizing the random editing of a scene, it then randomly cuts to teddy the minion before cutting back to Hagan.
  • Incredibly Lame Pun:
    • After a character gets a machete in the head during Turkey Shoot she lampshades the fact she's about to do a lame "splitting headache" joke.
    • In Memory Run after the Gender Bender male begins to feel their recently acquired breasts she quips the film should have been called "Mammary Run".
    • When Woody lands in the River Seine in Condorman, she remarks he is literally "in-seine"
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: Comments that in Turkey Shoot not even the automatic guns can shoot straight.
  • Insane Troll Logic: Deployed in Aleister's "History of LBGT People" video, where he acts out a scene depicting how Victorians believed that female sexuality and lesbianism didn't exist;

Aleister: Are you sure you don't exist, Ms. Licksalot?
Ms. Licksalot: Umm... yes.
Aleister: It's just that I could've sworn I saw you perform cunnilingus on that woman.
Ms. Licksalot: If lesbians don't exist, then I can't be performing cunnilingus, because lesbianism doesn't exist. So therefore I can't have done the act, because I don't exist!
Aleister: ...You win this round.

  • Large Ham: But she does it so well.
  • Leitmotif During field-tests, an uptempo version of "Gonk," done on guitar and xylophone, plays in the background.
  • Le Parkour: It is demonstrated in the Battle of the Bone review that the average Northern Irishman in fact can't naturally perform Parkour.
  • Lightning Can Do Anything:
    • Specifically, being struck by lightning sends you to 1917. Even when you're indoors!
    • The lightning from Chopping Mall, which seemed to make the robots of the movie come to life, and more obviously evil.
  • Light Is Not Good: The alternate versions of the minions are the douchey abusers instead of Hagan (who is called Nina Galas), and they wear white masks.
  • Mama Bear: On the "Your Reviews" sections of the TGWTG forums, she will often encourage and give helpful advice to those struggling to find a voice. When anyone starts heavily criticizing those people or her colleagues, she will come down on them hard.
  • Man Child: Aleister

Helen Hannah: Professionals built the Titanic; amateurs built the Arc.
Aleister [under a pile of couch cushions]: I built a fort!

Hagancitizen: "Most definitely not a woman... so that's what one of those things feel like."

  • Massively Multiplayer Crossover: Was the main antagonist in Project Million.
  • Mean Character, Nice Actor
  • Meaningful Name: Irish musician Diamanda Galás and German actress Nina Hagen were major influences on the character's behavior.
  • Memetic Badass: She builds the protagonist of Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky as one.
  • Monster Clown:
  • Mooks/Red Shirts: The minions.
  • My Name Is Not Durwood: She repeatedly refers to Jew Wario as "Jewuigi" during their crossover.
  • Mysterious Past: It's strongly hinted in the The Truth About Demons review that Hagan was once Jerrica from Jem.
  • Nightmare Fetishist: She seems to get turned on by...strange....things
  • No Indoor Voice: Whenever she gets worked up - which given the quality of most of the films she reviews, is often.
  • "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: Often.
    • Has captions to advise that she did not add the dramatic sting during Ilsa when the title character is stroking a dildo.
    • There's a caption during the Left Behind review to stress that a padding scene of the main character looking over a balcony is this length in the actual movie.
    • She also says she isn't kidding that Kirk Cameron and his wife are contractually obligated to only have kissing scenes with each other, and even shows footage from several films to demonstrate this.
    • Uses a caption saying "As originally edited" numerous times in her review of Intermedio.
    • During the Scooby-Dooby Doors chase scene in Gwendoline she states that the only change she made to the scene was adding "Yakety Sax".
    • The review of Gayniggers From Outer Space features an "I DID NOT ADD THIS MUSIC" disclaimer on a scene which features the theme from SWAT.
  • Nuke'Em: In a crossover appearance on Brows Held High, Hagan nukes every city called Visalia on the planet. This is because Ken Park was set in Visalia.
  • N-Word Privileges: Parodied in her review of Gayniggers From Outer Space. She gives a big speech on how bleeping the one in the title would just seem trite and hypocritical. Of course, the censorship equipment seems to be broken, as the word "space" is also bleeped.
  • Obviously Evil: Says that Nicolae Carpathia of Left Behind is the most obvious villain name since Darkheart Rapesbabies.
  • Oh, No, Not Again: On April Fools 2012, she starts to possess people again, getting forced into the bodies of Stephan and Charlie.
  • Overly Narrow Superlative: Averted when she says that Zombeak is the worst zombie chicken movie ever made. There actually is another one of those, and it is awesome.
  • Out with a Bang: She killed one of her minions while they were going down on her.
  • Perverse Sexual Lust: Has a major thing for Marz Gurl.
  • Politically-Incorrect Villain:
    • Harry Russo in Necromaniac; he goes beyond his typical He-Man Woman Hater status established in Schitzopheniac and goes on Mel Gibson-like rants about Black and Jewish people. Hagan isn't impressed.
    • A Defied Trope with Hagan herself.
  • Psycho Lesbian: After her Turkey Shoot review, she has a salute to the "crazy, aggressive, rapist, predatory, crossbow-obsessed lady". She also refers to this type of character as a 'dyke icon' or Dykon.
  • Pungeon Master: As you can tell from earlier, she likes to include at least one terrible pun in her reviews.
  • Recursive Canon: She does a review of Project Million and doesn't realize that she - or at least a version of herself - was in it. When they say her name she thinks the movie is talking to her, and when Aleister appears he doesn't seem to realize he was in it either.
  • The Rival: The Cartoon Hero.
  • Running Gag:
    • Confused Hagan is Confused.
    • After some dubious science in a film cutting to a doctored clip from Hot Shots Part Deux saying "Science! It's fantastic!"
    • The English = evil caption whenever the villain is an Evil Brit.
    • "Yellow jumpsuits? It's the future!"
    • During her review of Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky there's "Ricky: The Homosexual Years"
    • Singing "dr-dr-dr-drama" to the tune of the "Ride of the Valkyries".
    • During the review of Raspberry Reich sarcastically remarking random events are "for the revolution."
    • After Jimmy Yu's character in The Man from Hong Kong says he only has sex with white women on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Hagan has fun guessing what he does the rest of the week.

Diamanda: (as Jimmy) A pigeon! I wish it was Monday.

    • Whenever a villain gets mutilated, expect to hear Nelson Muntz' laugh.
    • After a bad joke happens in the film it cutting to Galvatron remarking "This is bad comedy". Used so often (and with good reason) in the Terror of Tiny Town review that it temporarily kills Galvatron.
    • During her Turkey Shoot review, she tells the audience to take a shot whenever someone is raped or threatened with rape. This continues into her later videos.
    • During Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trick Baby, she makes frequent use of "Because this film and reality don't often meet."
    • The Doctor Who clip mentioned under Shout-Out, about the size of a spaceship, gets used whenever talking about large penises.
    • Playing "Also Sprach Zarathustra", and then cutting to a scene from Spaceballs wherein a timpanist is playing the appropriate part of the music.
    • The ridiculous amount of zombies in unrelated episodes of Urban Gothic.
  • Sarcastic Clapping: A 45-second long montage of clapping when a character has a breakdown in Chopping Mall.
  • Self-Deprecation: Will insult her home country once in a while.
  • Shirtless Scene: A minion has one in the The Dragon Lives Again review. The same shirtless minion has appeared multiple times in her reviews since, and according to the Flubs has his own fandom.
  • Shout-Out:
  • The Sociopath: Hoo, boy, is she ever!
  • Sole Entertainment Option: Played for Laughs on "Children Of the Living Dead."
  • Sound Effect Bleep: Whenever she's cursing out the filmmakers of Ilsa, most of it is bleeped. Subverted when afterward she says fuck without being censored.
  • Soundtrack Dissonance: During a flogging scene in Ilsa she says it needs Devo and she starts to play Whip It Later when a character is being buried she plays Working in a Coalmine. To complete the trilogy, when the American spy is snooping around she plays Secret Agent Man
    • She sets an overly long fight scene in The Man from Hong Kong to Yakety Sax.
    • The "Feel free to commit suicide" segment of the Intermedio review.
  • Stable Time Loop: Her review of "Children of the Living Dead.
  • Stalking Is Love: After viewing a stalkee and stalker having sex in Raspberry Reich she tries another field test (see family unfriendly aesop) of this in real life, with poorer results.
  • The Starscream: Views "Adam Ant" looking guy as this in Rats, to the extent that she redubs him and the leader of the group's dialogue with a lot of the exchanges between Megatron and Starscream.
  • Step Three: Profit: The "revolution" in Raspberry Reich that involves having sex in public. She even plays the underpants gnome song.
  • Sting: Uses the dramatic sting from Flash Gordon, usually to mock this trope.
    • Parodied when her Dun-Dun-Dun Minion gets over-zealous with the dramatic stings in her Starrbooty review. She ultimately ends up stabbing him.
  • Stock Footage:

Diamanda: "Ed Wood would be so proud!"

Diamanda: Perhaps Ted Haggard was right. You know, those are four words I hope I never have to say in that order again.

  • Take That:
    • During her Left Behind review, she takes numerous shots at Kirk Cameron - from his lack of a career since the nineties to several shots at the bananas debunking evolution video
    • Describes Magwilde from Bonekickers as Ann Coulter if she studied archaeology instead of wing-nuttery.
    • Fox News in general is a favorite target.
    • As is Matthew Graham, lead writer of Bonekickers and the man who wrote "Fear Her".

Diamanda:...thus cementing him in "Hagan's List of People She Wouldn't Let the Minions Piss On If They Were On Fire!"

    • States that the fascist villain named Thatcher in Turkey Shoot still manages to be more cuddly than Margaret Thatcher.
    • Throughout her review of Condor Man several jokes are made about Oliver Reed's drinking.
    • After witnessing Jimmy Wang Yu's "interrogation" technique in The Man From Hong Kong, Hagan quips she thinks he must have worked for the US forces in Iraq.
    • In one review of Bonekickers, she explains that Parton decided to piss off the French by bringing British wine along, and says 'Yes, that really does exist." Cut to a photo of bottles of wine, all with 'Cheap [Wine type] Wine' on the label, accompanied by 'Rule Brittania'.
    • Take That Us: While reviewing Project Million, a film she starred in, Hagan not only fails to recognize herself, but consistently mocks her acting ability, asexual build, and choice of makeup.
  • Talking to Herself: Any scene with Diamanda talking to Aleister, or Nina Galas. She takes this one step further when her voiceover self and on-camera self both start talking to each other in Preaching to the Perverted and Emmanuelle 5.

Diamanda: Voiceover version of me, are you sure that's the right part?
Voiceover: Do you want to do this? I could stand in front of a camera, looking all glamorous if you'd rather stand here, yelling into a microphone for no credit at all!

Diamanda: Yes, for we lesbians are afraid of water. It's in the Bible, look it up.

Diamanda: We cut to a family. A happy family. A happy nuclear family. Surrounding a child in a bed no less. This cannot end well. *cue the empire theme*

Diamanda: Thank you, that was very necessary.

Diamanda: Where the fuck did you learn the craft of villainy? Doctor Evil university?

Diamanda: I'm sorry. Every time I see a boom-mic, I have to do that. That's why the audio quality of my videos is so bad.

  • You Keep Using That Word: She fervently believes that "castrate" can also refer to emasculation, to the point where when a minion calls her out on it, she offs him before ordering that the word be redefined in dictionaries to refer to both.