William Lightbody: I can't eat fifteen gallons of yogurt!
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: Oh, it's not going in that end!
Quite simply, this trope covers the act of putting something into or pulling something out of a character's rectum (or, alternately, merely implying the act). Usually, this is done for comedy; however, it's inevitably an object-version of a Black Comedy Rape. It can also be done for sexual purposes, as anal masturbation and anal sex are both common subsections of both pornography and actual bedroom antics.
A variation of this trope is to give a character a rectal examination, an enema, a rectal laxative, or some other similar medical procedure, whereupon Hilarity Ensues. Often, just having the character bend over while the physician or Battleaxe Nurse snaps on a rubber glove is enough to play the joke.
Also see Trouser Space, Bowel-Breaking Bricks, Orifice Invasion, and Thermometer Gag. See Mister Seahorse and Homosexual Reproduction for when the ass in question belongs to a male and the object in question is an infant.
Truth in Television, but Don't Try This At Home, at least with just anything and without proper knowledge of the anatomy involved. Just because something can go in your ass doesn't mean that it will come out again (many objects, at least without emergency medical help - just google "rectal foreign objects"), not cause horrific damage to your internal organs and/or possibly death via intestinal rupture (as in the case of sharp or broken objects) or via poisoning (alcohol and some drugs via enema).
Not to be confused with Ass Pull, which is when a plot device or explanation seems so poorly contrived as to have a rectal genesis (although sometimes both happen to walk hand-in-hand).
- Kakashi has his infamous scene with an unorthodox jutsu called Sennen Goroshi ("One Thousand Years of Death"), where he shoved his fingers up Naruto's ass-crack, and sent him flying. This is based on a real life prank called Kancho. Naruto nearly gets revenge on Kakashi for this during Shippuden's third episode.
- And Naruto used it himself against Gaara. With a kunai and explosives.
- Lampshaded by Tenten, in the fourth chapter of the spin-off Rock Lee's Springtime of Youth.
Tenten: "It's just a KANCHO!!!!"
- Speaking of which, Envy of Fullmetal Alchemist gets kancho'd in a big way—literally. His reaction is so very outraged by it, it borders on a Crowning Moment of Funny.
- See also the "attack" used by Gimmy of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann the very NSFW fifth Parallels Works video. Which is based on a scene in the Hot Springs Episode that didn't air on television, where Kamina and Simon try to see the girls on the other side of the wall and Gimmy is confused by their order to "find a hole".
- A Running Gag in Mahou Sensei Negima is Chizuru's attempts to test out a folk remedy for fevers, which involves shoving a spring onion up the sick person's ass. Kotaro and Natsumi are understandably terrified of her. Doubles as a Stealth Pun since a spring onion in Japanese is "Negi".
- Girl Friends combines this, Trouser Space, and Victoria's Secret Compartment in the third omake. First, a tiny Akko hides between Mari's breasts, but the train is so crowded that she is getting crushed. Where she moves next is heavily implied.
- Goosh Goosh
- In Pokémon, Croagunk has taken up Misty and Max's role as the one to take away Brock from girls, by using Poison Jab, paralyzing him. It's almost always depicted as Brock being stabbed in the ass. It's still better than the alternative, where Croagunk cockblocks him.
- Pokémon Special. A girl in Fortree is busy getting her Zigzagoon out of a tree when the branch breaks and sends them both on a messy fall—or it would have been if Sapphire didn't jump down (from a higher altitude, no less) and catch the branch with her bare hands, occupants and all. The girl notes that her Zigzagoon isn't feeling too well and needs to get it to a Pokémon Center; Sapphire saves her the trouble, produces a berry, and feeds it to the Pokémon, curing it of its affliction. Where this trope comes in is how she came to this conclusion—she sticks her nose up its butt!
- Gintama. Poor Hattori.
- Kondo, too—in two consecutive episodes he gets a jackhammer and a pair of horns up the butt.
- Yu Yu Hakusho: Yusuke performs a kancho on Kuwabara before the Chapter Black Arc.
- One time, Keroro Gunsou is forced to study overnight, and assorted devices are used to keep him awake. One splashes water into his face. Another drops a tin bath on his head. A third one basically involves a massive Kancho prop made of plastic and mounted under his chair...with a pretty powerful spring.
- One episode of Dragon Ball has Ninja Murasaki accidentally land his ass on Goku's magic pole, and Hilarity Ensued!
Goku: Ahahahahahaha! Now you have a tail, too! Just like I do!
- Non-comic example: It's said explicitly that Munakata of Medaka Box probably has around thirty-something or more swords shoved in there. Yowza.
- Another not-comedic example in Sakura Gari: one of Katsuragi's torture methods against Masataka included him forcibly shoving a household object up the guy's anus right after having raped him.
- Slam Dunk: Hanamichi Sakuragi does it to Ryonan's coach, Taoka. Let's remember that Sakuragi is extremely strong, almost superhumanly so, and that he doesn't know what "holding back" means. The mere memory causes poor Taoka to jump from his seat and grab his ass... several weeks afterwards.
- Boku No Sexual Harassment. Corn. You know that scene, ladies and gentlemen.
- In a My-HiME sound drama between Episodes 9 and 10, when Natsuki gets sick and her fever rises despite efforts to reduce it, the group turns to the folk cure mentioned in the Negima! example, much to Natsuki's horror and Shizuru's pleasure.
- In Mai-Otome, the same trick is used when Aoi becomes ill, although Arika initially hangs the leek around her neck. Shizuru, when she comes in, proposes the Ass Shove method.
- In the Ginga Densetsu Weed manga, a running gag has Sasuke shoving either a long pole or his paws into GB's butt during comic relief moments.
- It is implied that this is where Max of Sam and Max Freelance Police keeps his gun, though it's still none of our damn business. Though maybe later, when we're sitting down, he'll tell us.
- Deadpool has Hammerspace-like abilities which he once explained as "involving an awful lot of lubricant".
- In the first phase of Zenith, the final battle with the Eldritch Abomination villain takes place inside it's colon. Though, thanks to Bizarre Alien Biology it quickly becomes a field of mouths and eyes.
- In the older Batman comics, slamming into a bad guys rear (with his FACE!) was pretty much Robin's signature move. This is either Getting Crap Past the Radar or... considering it only happens between Robin and males, it's probably not Accidental Innuendo.
- In The Sandman, Loki tells the Puck about a prank he once played on the "not very bright" Thor. Disguised as a doctor, he convinces Thor that he's pregnant and tells him to lie face down and wait for him to deliver the baby. Loki then feeds him a gallon of castor oil and sticks a cork up his butt, then goes off to sleep with Thor's wife. Eight days later, Thor is still lying there waiting when Ratatosk, the squirrel of the World Tree, comes by and, curious, pulls the cork out, releasing eight days' worth of backed-up feces. Thor picks up the stunned Ratatosk, embraces him, and says "You're ugly, you're hairy, and you're covered in shit. But you're mine, and I love you!"
- Oh, no. Thor, I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.
- A short but full-color Judge Dredd story introduces The Great Arsoli, whose act involves pulling ever larger things from his nether regions. The last is his lovely, smiling assistant. Dredd arrests him for not declaring those items through customs.
- A rather nasty Ass Shove occurs in Preacher (Comic Book) (and given the general nature of the series, that's really saying something) when Jesse is attacked by a psychotic goth punk with a sword. Though the actual act occurs off-panel, the next page shows the sword tip poking out of the man's stomach and the hilt protruding from the seat of his pants. Ouch.
- Something similar occurs in Sin City - The Big Fat Kill. Miho apparently shoves her katana up a merc's ass. We see the hilt behind him and the tip protruding from his face. Considering the angle, that's exactly what happened. In the same story, Jackie-Boy slips and falls on Miho's swastika shuriken and it gets stuck in his backside.
Jackie-Boy: DON'T NOBODY LAUGH! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!
- This trope is exploited by Ranma ½ in the fanfic Smartarse ½. Ranma beats up Kunô for the first time, then writes "At least it can't possibly get any worse" on his forehead. When Kunô reads the phrase out loud, a Battleaxe Nurse walks in while putting on a rubber glove and orders Kunô to bend over. Much screaming occurs.
- Sailor Moon Abridged: All the cool devices Luna produces for the cast come right out of her butt.
- I'm a Marvel And I'm a DC: An early After Hours episode has Superman carrying Wolverine off-screen, slung over his shoulder.
Superman: Easy, Logan. I've gotcha.
Wolverine: You've got me, huh? Guess who's got you?
- In Chapter 114 of Odd Ideas by Rorschach's Blot, Tales From The Hogwarts Hospital Wing, most of the maladies Madame Pomfrey treats are the result of something sexual. Most notably, Draco keeps "falling" on long, vaguely cylindrical objects, or in one instance, twenty golf balls, that go up his rectum and become lodged in his colon. In another of his works drunk!Shinji does this to EVA 03.
- For a while in Dr. Jackson's Diary, there's an on-base betting pool over who makes the pleasured moans during rectal exams. It's Major Davis.
- Done in the epilogue of Toy Story 3, when Mr. Potato Head discovers the Peas-In-A-Pod popping out of his rear hatch.
Mr. Potato Head: I told you kids, stay out of my butt!
- Not just that—at the start of the movie, he makes a similar threat against a whole car full of Asian gang members, ending in this gem:
Hancock: And you get the short end of the stick, 'cause your head's going up my ass.
- Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
- Austin and Felicity Shagwell are in a tent unpacking gear to infiltrate Dr. Evil's island base. Their silhouettes look like Felicity is pulling various stuff—including twelve feet of rope and an umbrella—out of Austin's posterior... to the astonishment of Evil's Mooks watching outside.
- Also Felicity is ordered to plant a homing device on Fat Bastard by any means necessary. She complies by having sex with Fat Bastard, and then planting the device by shoving it—you know where—thinking that he's so fat he won't notice. Unfortunately, he does... and assumes it's some type of kinky foreplay, causing him to develop a "crush" on her (what follows is the most disgusting scene ever to hit the big screen, when Austin performs a one-man version of "Two Girls One Cup").
- In The Mask, Stanley Ipkiss uses the mask's powers to get back at his shady car mechanics by shoving exhaust pipes up their asses. It makes more sense if you remember to call them "tailpipes".
- Bruce Almighty. The title character uses god-powers to exact ironic revenge on some guys who taunted and attacked him earlier in the film. Really the wrong time to say that the chances of something happening were as low as the chance of a monkey climbing out of your ass. And even worse, when he's done with the monkey, he has it go back where it came from. So: a Butt Monkey produces a butt monkey.
- Fletch. The title Intrepid Reporter undergoes a rectal exam from a proctologist while masquerading as a patient.
Fletch: You know, my kidney's feel a lot better in this position? Maybe it's because I'm not doing any calisthenics. You know, if I did some sit-ups in the morning... bent over like this, I feel 100% better (squish!)... Moooooooooooon riveeeeeeeeeeeer! Thank you, Doc.
- The Jackass Movie
- One of the "stunts" in the first movie involved Ryan Dunn inserting a toy Hot Wheels car into his rectum. The crew then filmed the reactions of the doctor when Ryan explained how he had supposedly passed out at a Frat Party and woken up that way.
- In the second movie, Bam Magera gets a golden dildo launched into his anus by one of those carnival "test-your-strength" games. And from the same movie, the Butt Chug.
- Another one in Jackass 2.5 involved tying a kite to anal beads in his ass.
- The whole "your father's watch" scene from Pulp Fiction.
- Man on Fire. Creasy uses the following Jack Bauer Interrogation Technique on a corrupt police officer:
Creasy: Do you know what this is?
It's a charger used by convicts to hide money and drugs. They tuck it up their rectum.
This is pencil detonator, timer, used as a receiver from the pager.
This is C4, highly explosive; you put it all together you've got a bomb, not very sophisticated, but very powerful.
(whispers) That's what you have in your ass right now. Don't move! Don't move!
- Hinted at in the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. That was a damned big gun, too.
- Also hinted (but with a mere handgun) at Tropic Thunder.
- The movie version of Undercover Brother literally puts his foot up someone's arse (yes, there's even an X-ray to demonstrate).
- Police Academy
- The first movie features a scene where Lieutenant Harris suffers a motorcycle mishap and lands headfirst up a horse's ass.
- Also, the second movie has Mahoney somehow getting Lieutenant Mauser subjected to a body cavity search (complete with Glove Snap by the nurse who does it).
- Little Nicky has a Running Gag about Hitler getting a pineapple shoved up his ass every day in Hell. Later, he gets a demonic flask, which contains demons Adrian and Cassius, emptied up the ass.
Hitler: Holy schnit!
- Jim Levenstein gets a trumpet shoved up his butt in American Pie 2. Michelle, who in the first film tells him she shoved a flute up her pussy, does it to him, being all kinky and everything.
- Non-comedy example: In Crank: High Voltage, Chev Chelios escapes from a makeshift hospital (where his organs were to be harvested) with a gunfight that ends with him shoving a pump-action shotgun up his opponent's ass.
- Similarly, from Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead: "Buckwheats for everyone!"
- Dance Flick begins with a dancer accidentally shoving his head up his ass.
- Once Upon a Time In Mexico has Sheldon Sands, who appears to have a mild preoccupation with this trope.
- The Love Guru has a barroom brawl that ends with a character having a pool cue shoved up his butt.
- The DVD version of Scary Movie 3 has an alternate ending where farmer George turns into The Incredible Hulk to fight off an alien attack. One fight move involves shoving an alien up his butt.
- The Brazilian film Tropa de Elite/The Elite Squad has the BOPE squad menacing sodomy with a broomstick as part of the interrogation.
- The Running Man. Amber Mendez steals the raw footage of the Bakersfield Massacre and tucks it away, but is captured. Later she produces the tape.
Ben Richards: Where did you hide that?
Amber: It's none of your business.
- In one of the Eddie Murphy's Doctor Dolittle films, a dog's anus ends up swallowing a thermometer during a veterinarian's examination. It has to be "retrieved manually".
- In the film Papillon, the title character describes prisoners as "The only animals that shove things up their ass for survival." Usually money, although Dustin Hoffman's character kept a spare pair of glasses down there.
- Orlando Jones's character has to make a trip to the emergency room after an alien bug has burrowed up his backside.
Nurse: I'll get the lubricant.
Doctor: There's no time for lubricant.
Harry Block: There's ALWAYS time for lubricant!!
- The skit/film shown at the closing ceremony of AmeCon has a doctor prescribe one large glass of "Otaku Juice" a day to someone suffering "Con Withdrawal Syndrome".
Patient: So if I drink this, I'll be cured?
Doc: Oh no, you don't drink it... (brings out rectal syringe and bends him over)
- The direct-to-video Japanese movie Shyness Machine Girl's protagonist fights with a machine gun protruding from... well...
- Averted in Thunderball as Bond is given a large capsule-shaped homing device—he asks what he's supposed to do with it and Q replies "Well, obviously, you... swallow it!"
- A variation occurs in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. When Ace is trapped in an overheating mechanical rhinoceros (It Makes Sense in Context), he has to escape by pushing out through the "back door"... only to be spotted by tourists on safari who think the rhino is giving birth.
- Occurs frequently in Another Gay Movie, especially with Andy.
- The woman vigilante of Run! Bitch Run! plays it to the extreme, and very unexpectedly, with her rapist. This particular ass shove involves a machete and a lot of reciprocal motion.
- In the biopic Before Night Falls, imprisoned Cuban writer Reinaldo Arenas smuggles his novel out piece by piece with the help of drag queen Bon Bon (Johnny Depp plays the 'retrieval' scene with amazing aplomb).
- Carry On Henry. The Queen has been thrown into the Tower of London, and asks a sympathetic priest to smuggle a letter out. The priest says he is searched thoroughly by the guards, but there is one place they don't look—he has second thoughts when the Queen produces an enormous scroll.
- Machete. The title character rescues a totally naked woman, but it turns out to be a trap by the Big Bad. After taking down Machete, she reaches down so her hand is off camera and produces a mobile phone with a squelching sound.
- Shows up in Robo Geisha with the cybernetic AssSword, which is exactly what it sounds like. Considering the rest of the film, it's surprising when the girls point out that using a sword protruding from your ass is not only embarrassing, but also really awkward to use. It doesn't stop them from having a sword fight around a conveniently placed stripper pole.
- There's a joke about three explorers who were captured by a native tribe. The natives say that the explorers may survive if they collect and bring back ten pieces of a fruit of their choosing. The first explorer returns with ten berries, and is told he'll go free if he gets all ten inside his anus. He succeeds and is released. The second explorer returns with ten apples and is told the same. He suddenly bursts out laughing; when the natives ask what's so funny, he tells them that the third explorer was collecting pineapples.
- A variation has the third man arrive, have the task explained to him, and choose death after some consideration. The natives then proceed to execute him in the traditional way, by inserting a fatal number of pineapples into his anus.
- There's a Christmas joke that an angel approaches Santa Claus while he's in a bad mood and asks "Where should I put the Christmas Tree?" As you might have guessed, Santa's reply was something along the lines of "Stick it up your ass!" ...and that's why the angel goes on top of the Christmas tree every year.
- One version were he asks for it saying "Oi, fatty! Where should a stick this?"
- My father (a WW II vet) told me this joke regarding rectal exams. "Well, first he put his right hand on my shoulder. No, wait, he put his left hand on my shoulder. Wait a minute, he put both his hands on my shoulders." Oh, yeah, the days when man rape was supposed to be funny.
- Older Than Print: Chaucer's "The Miller's Tale" in The Canterbury Tales features this.
- From Terry Pratchett's Discworld:
- In Feet of Clay, after the golem Dorfl is freed, he visits his previous masters and exacts (non-lethal) ironic revenge on them. As Vimes, Carrot, and Angua chase him, they hear about... incidents... at the poultry merchant's and the pork butcher's.
"Er... I think I've got an ointment that might be--"
"Will it help with the apple?" the man demanded.
"It shoved an apple in his mouth?"
- In Soul Music, this happens to musicians who don't pay the dues to get into the Musician's Guild. Nobby Nobbs mentions that it's not fun if you're a piccolo player.
- Vimes threatened a comparable punishment for any assassin caught carrying a spring-gonne within Anhk-Morpork city limits. "Rest assured, I can find a short cut." This line makes more sense when you know that people have previously referred to a little place near Lancre where the sun doesn't shine (which, if you know your Disc geography, means the village of Bad Ass).
- Don't forget the whole bit about the monkey's nut AND the garderobe in Lords and Ladies.
- Self-inflicted by a drop bear in The Last Continent, when it unwisely dropped butt-first onto an unsuspecting victim who happened to be Rincewind. Turns out that pointy WIZZARD hat was good for something after all...
- Edward Whittemore's Quin's Shanghai Circus is full of this.
- In the Brazilian novel O Homem Que Matou Getúlio Vargas (released in English as Twelve Fingers), Henry Maturin of Papillon had a way to leave prison with important stuff such as money: fill up a bamboo with it and shove it up there. The protagonist gets afraid of doing this to himself, so Maturin decides to "carry it" for him ("where one fits, two can!").
- Little Boy Blue is offed in Robert Rankin's Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse by his shepherd's crook being shoved up his arse and all the way out his mouth. That's gotta hurt.
- In one essay in Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!, Scott Adams discusses the acceptable level of ass in a comic strip. One unpublished Dilbert strip included in the article shows a manager getting "face time" with the VP as part of an appointment with him, which consisted of having his head half-buried in the VP's rear.
- In part of Greg Stillson's backstory in Stephen King's novel The Dead Zone, some people who anger him end up with objects inserted in their rectum. To be fair to the character, said people were mooks send to give him a hard time. In a 3 to 1 fight. Armed with brass knuckles. Guess what is that ends up there.
- In The Shawshank Redemption, this is apparently how Andy smuggled several hundred dollars into jail. And how Red gets his manuscriped out...Willing suspension of disbelief (or perhaps Fridge Horror) applies, because the manuscript is better than 100 handwritten pages. Ahem.
- In Bearing an Hourglass, Norton is forced to reverse the course of time for the entire world. While most people don't notice, anyone close to Norton becomes aware that they're doing everything backwards... including one unfortunate man who'd just used the toilet. Despite his struggles to stop himself, the man backs into the bathroom and shuts the door, through which sounds of horror are heard.
- And the rather confused looking dog that was behind a nearby bush as well.
- Chuck Palahniuk's short story "Guts" from the novel Haunted. Let's not go into too much detail about this trope's appearance.
- Inverted in Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, when Dirk demonstrates his facility with stage magic by (apparently) drawing a string of colored handkerchiefs from the posterior of a small dog.
- And, from Richard's, a slim bunch of anemones. Which he presents to the dog's owner, a little old lady who just watched Richard take off all his clothes and jump into a canal. It makes sense... sort of... in context.
- In the Deathstalker series a woman was forced to approach a man who would decide her fate completely in the nude. She had decided to break clean but she couldn't carry any regular concealed weapon... but a deactivated monofilament blade's handle was relatively easy to hide in the one place the guards wouldn't look.
- In Tom Clancy's Without Remorse, two prisoners hide iron shanks up their arses in order to kill two other prisoners in the shower. "A determined man always has one place he can hide something."
- Sharpe does this with a picklock, which he then uses to bust out of jail. He actually does it "onscreen" too (though not explicitly), making this "Chekhov's Buttscratch".
- Appears regularly on 1000 Ways to Die, usually with loads of Squick. Most infamously shown in "Mercury in Uranus", when the hospital patient who accidentally killed himself when he shoved nine glass thermometers up his butt—all of which broke, gave him mercury poisoning, and cut up his large intestine.
- In "Eel Effects", an abusive sushi chef gets drunk and his students prank him via shoving a live eel down his pants (which he had threatened them with). Too bad the eel slid into his rectum instead and ate its way out. Uuuuuuurgh.
- And then there's "Colon-Gross-Copy", about immature college kids that finish their drunken competition with a fart contest. And it shows why you should NEVER stick a can on whipped cream up your butt to get more gas...
- More recently, "Critter In The S****er" has a man stuffing a ferret inside his pants for a ferret legging contest. The ferret, however, wanted OUT, and like in "Eel Effects" it started seeking for his way to freedom, then feasted on the dude's hemorroids...
- In a season 3 episode of Babylon 5, Sheridan has to remove his communicator before going into a room to negotiate it with a terrorist. He initially tries to hide it inside his shirt, so Garibaldi can listen in for clues, but Garibaldi points out (correctly, as it turns out), that the terrorist would think to look there. The solution they come up works a bit better, albeit with the drawback that they can hear what Sheridan had for lunch.
- The second series has the "Baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells" who belongs to a group of clergy who were Loan Sharks. If you didn't pay on time, out came (or perhaps in went) the red-hot poker.
- In Blackadder the Third, when Prince George describes what the Naughty Hellfire Club does to people who don't pay their dues:
Prince George: They pull your breeches down and push a large radish right up your--
Blackadder: --yes! Yes! Yes! All right!... There's no need to hammer it home.
Prince George: As a matter of fact they do often have to--
- Quite often happens in Bottom, both in the TV show and the theatre / movie spin-offs. Items inserted include a pencil, a policeman's baton (complete with side-handle), a stick of dynamite and the entire contents of the next-door flat.
- In the first two episodes of Chris Ryans Strike Back, John Porter takes a moment (before walking into a terrorist trap) to wrap a swiss army knife in cling-wrap and insert it into his ass. After being captured and verifying that the terrorists are holding the woman he's trying to rescue, he removes the knife and uses it to escape his cell.
- The Colbert Report did a segment where Stephen volunteered for a proctoscopy as part of a stealth Take That to Glenn Beck.
- Mason from Dead Like Me once tried to smuggle drugs in a condom or balloon he stuck up his ass. Then a drug-sniffing dog caught him, and the security people did a cavity search (and didn't find the balloon, but did rip it; Intoxication Ensues and something very loud and unpleasant in a bathroom stall ensued).
- Even worse—Mason was an undead Reaper. Meaning he technically overdosed to DEATH but still had to live through the feeling of overdosing to death.
- From the Syfy movie Deathlands Homeward Bound. The protagonists have been invited to dinner by the local Baron. As he's a mad despot that many would love to kill they're naturally searched by his Sec Men first.
J.B. I can't believe they found every single one of my weapons!
Jak: Even the one you hide up your ass?
J.B. Shove it up your ass!
- In the Doctor Who episode "Bad Wolf", after being hit by the defabricator ray, Captain Jack produces a small foldable gun out of nowhere while completely naked.
- Everybody Hates Chris: Main character and Butt Monkey Chris is pretending to be a Jerkass in order to impress his crush. That ends when he inadvertently yells at his own mother. There is a dramatic heartbeat during the Discretion Shot, followed by a scene in the hospital where the doctor mentions that, while it could be removed, the shoe was a goner. Insert a truly revealing X-ray for a Crowning Moment of Funny.
- Get a Life!: Chris Eliot attempted to befriend a group of toughs despite being warned against it by Brian Doyle-Murray. Chris tries to join the street gang by asking them to play jacks. Cut to Chris painfully returning from the encounter.
Brian: Did they make you eat your jacks?
Chris: No. (pause) ...but they're inside me.
- A recent episode of Holby City involved a doctor shoving a flower into a patient's arse in revenge for his racism towards her.
- A patient has an MP3 player shoved up his rear in the episode "Occam's Razor".
House: Is it the size? The shape? Or just the pounding bass line?
- House also won second place in a weekly "weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice" contest with a laser pointer. The winning item rhymed with "fucchini".
- What caused the majority of his problems in Season 3 was leaving a rectal thermometer inside Tritter... for two hours. To be honest, you could have stuck a rectal thermometer anywhere on Tritter since he was a complete ass.
- Worse than it sounds though, because Tritter was bent over when he did it, and if he were to move too much, it would shatter inside him.
- In the Den-O arc of Kamen Rider Decade, the Final Attack Ride for Den-O involves attaching the DenGasher to Yuusuke, who is in the form of the Kuuga Gouram, making an Epic Flail. There was a cut to Yuusuke grabbing his ass in surprise when the connection was made, and then, when Den-O starts swinging him around, he was howling in pain...
- The Den-O/Decade movie, which is directly related to the events above, features Momotaros stranded in the past. Several villagers mistake him for the oni they were fighting, and Momo winds up getting an arrow right on the, uh...yeah.
- Married... with Children did it too, naturally. Jefferson ends up in the hospital. They look at the X-ray. There up in his lower colon is one of the boots Marcy was wearing in the previous scene.
- On MythBusters, one of the tests required a rectal thermometer and Adam Savage. Both he and the paramedic doing it seemed to take it well, with Adam quipping, "Oh Sanjay, will you still respect me tomorrow?"
- Red Dwarf: In the episode Backwards, the crew accidentally discovers a parallel universe in which time runs backwards, to the effect that the natives speak backwards, walk backwards, wars are happy occasions on which millions of dead people come back to life, pub brawls end up cleaning up the pub ("Unrumble!"), food gets un-eaten, beer goes from your mouth back into the mug and from the mug back into the tab, and so on. Unfortunately, just before the Dwarfers leave, the Cat decides to take a crap in the bushes, and the other can't warn him in time... Cat appears from the bushes with a horrified expression and his hair standing on end and walks stiff-legged into the shuttlecraft, avoiding the others' eyes.
Cat: Don't ask!!
- On Sanctuary, Helen Magnus has an uncanny ability to produce a gun at any given moment. When asked where she produces these guns, actress Amanda Tapping suggests that Magnus pulls them from her "gun bum".
- Always said that she and Jack Harkness were made for each other.
- The Saturday Night Live recurring sketch "Appalachian Emergency Room" always ended with Tyler who had something "accidentally" stuck up there, and his justifications for it.
- Dr. Cox is looking at an X-ray film print:
Dr. Cox: Either this kid has a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.
- To say nothing of the Ass Box, which was made entirely of things taken out of that area.
"... I was bored."
- The Seinfeld episode "The Fusilli Jerry" has Kramer expounding on the comedy inherent in the proctology profession.
Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
- Later in that episode, sure enough, Frank Costanza falls onto Kramer's titular pasta model, and it gets... lodged up there. Last line of the episode is him saying, "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
- An episode of Supernatural has Dean retrieve an object from the trunk of the Metallicar. Thanks to some general douchebaggery from The Trickster in this episode, Sam was the car. He comments about how uncomfortable it feels.
"Where did you get that Holy Oil?"
"You could say we pulled it outta Sam's ass."
- That '70s Show has a Running Gag where Red would threaten to shove his foot up people's asses whenever they pissed him off, but he never went through it during the show's run. In the Grand Finale, Hyde calls him out on it, asking him if he's ever actually done that. Red then says that he did it once back in Korea, but the details are too gruesome for him to say, which is pretty bad considering that Hyde is pretty much the only other guy on the show that Red sees as mature and grown up (not even Bob, the only other grown male on the show).
- Top Gear: Jeremy Clarkson claimed to have been rectally violated by the gearstick of his truck in the Season 12 lorries challenge.
James May: (voiceover) After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom...
- In a skit on The Tracy Ullman Show, Tracy played the wife of a proctologist and sung the song "Goldfinger."
- An episode of Vanguard on Prison Contraband documented the things that prisoners snuck into prison and how they snuck them in. This included "keistering".
- In Veronica Mars, a man got drugged and had an Easter egg stuck up his ass. Though most of the other women on the show laughed at it, Veronica pointed out the Double Standard of their response.
- The Stephen Lynch song "3 Balloons" from the album of the same name is about an extremely ambitious smuggler with a ridiculous quantity of contraband up his rectum.
- Gorillaz: Murdoc's gonna feel that tomorrow.
- "London Underground" by Amateur Transplants ends with the line: "Take your Oyster card and shove it up your arsehole..."
- WWE has twice done skits involving a colonoscopy—both with the same "You have your head up your ass!" punchline and both Gooker winners. And the second came days after a commentator had actually had one!
- One of The Rock's Catch Phrases.
"Take [this/that] [noun], shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways and shove it straight up your candy ass!"
- Unforgiven 2006 had Degeneration X shove Vince McMahon's head up The Big Show's ass.
- The Ass of Holding. Exactly What It Says on the Tin.
- The infamous "arseplomancer" build for Dungeons & Dragons 3.5: the Exemplar class lets you pick one skill which can be used to impress people, and a high enough Escape Artist skill lets you pass through a space narrower than your head. The result is a character who climbs into a guy's rectum in a manner so awesome that everyone in 60 ft becomes undyingly loyal to him. Then the poor guy explodes.
- Mr. Potato Head.
- Perhaps we need to be more specific about the definition of "toy"...
- Combining Mr. Potato Head and Dildos, there's Mr. Dick Head (link SFW, product possibly NSFW).
- Implied at one point in Elder Scrolls: Battlespire. When asking a Scamp where it hid the key:
Scamp: Keys? Keys in dark, NASTY place. Near my tail. Want look? See?
- At one point in Knights of the Old Republic, the player character runs into a prisoner who says he'll give you a hacker's tool if he's freed. You can ask him how he has it?wasn't he searched—and he tells you that they did, but they didn't search everywhere. The player character can then choose to be either Squicked or pragmatic.
- Similarly, in Dragon Age the player might run into a prisoner who offers whom a key in exchange for food. If the player asks how he managed to slip the key past his captors' search, he'll answer that he swallowed it and it has... later come back into his possession.
- The key, upon further examination is... "Strangely warm."
- Implied in Republic Commando where you get these lines:
Boss: Did they find the data?
Scorch: No, I hid it pretty well.
Boss: Where, exactly?
Scorch: Mmmm, you don't wanna know.
- Baldur's Gate: Minsc manages to keep Boo hidden from Irenicus's capture party. Supposedly there is ever so much of Minsc to search. And Imoen speaks for everyone by going, "Ew, I don't want to know."
- Possibly lampshaded by the fact that Boo is a hamster. Not that Minsc looks anything like Richard Gere, but...
- The Japanese arcade game Boong-Ga Boon-Ga requires players to jab a plastic finger into a protruding butt (euphemistically described as "spanking" in English advertisements). Higher scores are rewarded for stronger pokes.
- Subverted in one of the Splinter Cell games: In a mission you have to get a USB drive from a guy, who has been taken hostage. When you get to him and take you can say "Where were you keeping this? It might be good to know." His response: "Not where you think I had it. I just have experience hiding things."
- Same series, same question: "Just wash your hands when you're done with it."
- Averted in STALKER in the very first mission the player takes, when you have to obtain a Flash drive off of a captured Stalker. When questioned where he hid it, he claims "I didn't hide it down there, so don't worry."
- Also, when STALKERS sitting around camp fires begin to play guitar, the way in which they get the guitar out raised this troper's eyebrows. It appears out of thin air and they pull downwards, and it sure as hell did not come from their backpack...
- This is pretty much the only possible explanation as to where Kuja hides his tail up to his Trance-formation, given his uncomfortably Stripperific outfit in Final Fantasy IX.
- Or he used magic to make it vanish.
- Hiding your tail up your butt is pretty magical.
- Or he used magic to make it vanish.
- This trailer for Marvel vs. Capcom 3, where a stray attack by Morrigan touches an unsuspecting Deadpool in a bad place. The look on her face when she realizes what she's done is priceless. Or maybe she's just confused by the giant "GYAAAAA" sticking out of the building.
- This happens to Akira in Keisuke's route in Togainu no Chi, in a non-comedic example. One word: screwdrivers.
- Arc the Lad: Twilight of Spirits
- In-game example, whenever you have Delma in you party. So, you're in a fight, maybe you're in trouble, one of your characters is in critical condition, you'd really need a healing item... Then you remember that you put one in Delma's inventory. Come on, try and guess where she pulls it from. Exactly.
- Also seen in cutscenes when Darc draws his sword. We don't actually see much apart from Darc reaching toward the hem of his kilt-like garment and seeing the sword in his hand after a sword drawing sound effect. Its never explained where he stows his sword between fights but...
- Tales of Monkey Island: Near the end of Chapter 5, while Morgan stabs LeChuck after Guybrush has trapped him, Elaine gives the villain one by stabbing him with the Cutlass of Kaflu... let's just say... right in the fundament! And this is an E10+ rated game, too!
- Previously subverted near the end of Chapter 1: when the player tries to use the ancient weather vane on De Singe while he's in the messed up idol, Guybrush will say, "Oh, I'd love to, but I'm pretty sure that De Singe doesn't have the necessary... slots."
- In the fighting game Skullgirls, Cerebella has the kancho version of this trope as a move.
- Turned around (literally) in Assassin's Creed II, where Caterina Sforza's rant against the Orsi brothers includes the threat to shove their heads up her vagina; this isn't scripted dialog but something the historical Caterina actually said.
- In Leisure Suit Larry 5, Patti has a Tracking Device implanted in her pussy.
- Benkiman has the kancho as one of his signature grabs in the Kinnikuman: Muscle Grand Prix series and the Kinnikuman: Muscle Fight series.
- Crops up in Collar 6 during a guest strip when Laura needed to hide a vibrator present from Sixx. Ginger went to fetch the bleach afterward.
- In strip #15 of the Touhou Doujin Life of Maid, Patchouli gets sick and Sakuya has to take her to the hospital. Eirin prescribes a spring onion in the rear as treatment (see Real Life) and poor Patchy's response is something to the effect of "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
- The Wheel of Time fan comic WoT Now? has this as a running joke. The first instance is Mat getting his [literal] staff shoved up his arse; it reaches its pinnacle when Rahvin gets an entire battleship shoved up there.
Rahvin: Umm... I'm going to have a series of sharp implements thrust up my ass, aren't I?
Pintsize: I'm never gonna be able to use that USB port again.
- Schlock Mercenary:
- In the 2001 Schlocktoberfest epilogue, it's stated that the smuggler that brought the diamond-beetle eggs aboard the Princess Tyola as a suppository.
- Action Girl Elf once treated a reality TV host to this trope with one of his own cameras.
- To handle the toxic atmosphere of Ghanj-Rho when the Toughs were going on a mission to get a new set of eyes for Schlock, they are given with a device to filter the toxins out of their blood. They're not, unlike one grunt thought, to be swallowed...
- Implied in Order of the Stick with Belkar, during an arc in which he's imprisoned.
Belkar: But speaking hypothetically, if I had managed to conceal a Ring of Jumping someplace on my body that I was reasonably certain no one would search...
- Shortpacked's take on this trope is extremely... well, just go see it.
- Strongly suggested in this strip of The Last Mystical Legend of the Fantastic Fantasy Trigger Star.
- Don't forget about the ass goblin!
- Mike and the Redneck Trees. While nothing actually happened, it was only because Peejee allowed her conscience to get the better of her and put a stop to things; otherwise, the audience is led to believe Davan and company would indeed have gone there. So to speak.
- Also mentioned when Davan goes to the doctor and refuses a rectal thermometer.
"I'm not an infant. I'm a grown man who thinks his doctor should be able to check his temperature in other ways, like the forehead, ear, or, and this may seem novel, under the tongue."
"Whatever you say, boy, but you're the first person to ask me to stick a rectal thermometer in his mouth."
- Scandinavia and The World: the Nordic Lodge now only has two rectal thermometers thanks to Denmark's misunderstanding.
- Freefall: Subverted in this strip.
- Implied in Meat Shield, by way of a Shout-Out: "Papillon, I need some money..."
- In this Wulffmorgenthaler strip, the object in question is a dog's snout.
- Raven's Dojo had Dornail wearing a literal fanny pack (as in a latex fanny with a pack inside). It turns out it was a promotional item from his favorite lube company: Sodomease. Seen here, very NSFW.
- Implied to happen in comic #48 of Spider and Scorpion.
- This Loading Ready Run video, at around 2:00.
- Start of winter term in the Whateley Universe: Don Sebastiano gets what's coming to him when the mindslave spell on Cavalier and Skybolt fails. Pretty much everyone who reads the hospital report cracks up laughing when they get to the part about the doctors having to remove the lamp base.
- The Angry Video Game Nerd shoves horrible/horribly hard Batman games up the Joker's ass in one of his videos.
- The Greatest Freak-out Ever. Steven, having a freak-out in the vid over having his World of Warcraft account cancelled by his mother attempts to shove a remote control up his ass at one point. With his boxers on. And the video is supposedly real.
- This video (in Portuguese) (somewhat NSFW).
- In one Global Guardians PBEM Universe episode, the villainous Eightball manages to smuggle the pieces of a working weapon into a prison in this fashion, far enough up to avoid detection during a body cavity search.
- Chester A. Bum mentions the scene where this happens in Hancock and expresses hope that it happens in The Dark Knight.
"He defeats people by putting them up other people's asses! That better happen in the new Dark Knight movie! The Joker will be like "I am going to kill everyone!" and Batman will be like "You are going inside an ass!" Bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-splut! THE END!"
- Ferr of the Freelance Astronauts firmly believes that Link is shoving carrots up Epona's ass to make her move faster. No to mention the cries of "ASSWINGS" whenever the Song of Soaring is used.
- 1 Man, 1 Jar. All we'll say about it is that anyone who comes into a hospital with a glass object in their ass should be forced to watch this video.
- A Running Gag in Barney Bunch videos is that characters mention liking to use assorted things as dildos.
- The Minion gets this treatment in Diamanda Hagan's review of Project Million.
Minion: That sniper rifle was a pain in the ass to get through security. Literally...
- When talking about the watch scene in Pulp Fiction, The Nostalgia Critic squirms in sympathy pain at the reminder of how he hated seeing his proctologist.
- In the 80's Dan Christmas Episode, a drunk Mrs. Crabtree shoved a Christmas tree star up there.
- There's a line from Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series making note of Marik using Hammerspace: "Now I'm going to use my Millennium Rod, which I keep clenched between my buttocks..."
- The premiere episode of South Park, "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe," culminates with a 50-foot satellite dish emerging from Cartman's ass.
- Another episode has Cartman smuggling all of Disneyland into a juvenile hall inside his ass.
- Then there was the time Cartman tried to eat through his butt to see if he would then crap through his mouth. It works! In fact, it becomes quite a trend and even leads to Martha Stewart shoving a Thanksgiving turkey up her bum.
- One word: Lemmiwinks.
- Paris Hilton = Mr. Slave = High Octane Squick.
- The episode that aired after the 2008 US Presidential Elections has Barack Obama shove the Hope Diamond up his ass in order to steal it.
- The No Celebrities Were Harmed version of Steve Irwin was always sticking his thumb up some poor animal's butthole. And let's not forget Cartman being shoved up a cow's butt at the end of that episode.
- "The Death of Eric Cartman": Cartman (who think he's dead) trashes Butters's room, which gets Butters sent to an insane asylum where he's examined by a questionable doctor whose methods included having a machine anally probe him for hours on end (the probe itself [dead link] was about the size of a football and rotated).
- Family Guy:
- In one episode, Peter gets his first ever prostate exam and thinks he got raped.
- In another episode that takes place on Independence Day, Quagmire smuggles an entire box of fireworks to Quahog this way. Of course, as Peter tells him, fireworks are not illegal in Quahog, and he could have just brought them there the regular way, "but what's the fun in that?" he claims.
- In one episode of Superfriends, Batman produces a bat-bazooka from somewhere that might have been behind his back, but could equally have been out of his ass (especially as he's not shown carrying it earlier).
- One episode of Rocko's Modern Life has Rocko going to the hospital for a checkup. During the examination, the doctor (Dr. Bend Ova) puts on a rubber glove and tells Rocko to bend over. The next scene is Rocko stumbling down the hallway holding his rear in agony. It is then revealed that the doctor is actually an escaped mental patient pretending to be a physician.
- The Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode "Deleted Scenes" has Carl shoving a broomstick up his butt.
- The episode "The Deep South": Professor Farnsworth presents Fry with an egg-sized pill.
Fry: Are you crazy? I can't swallow that!
Farnsworth: Well, then, good news! It's a suppository!
- Also, "Parasites Lost":
Zoidberg: I'm going to have to take a look inside you with this camera.
(Fry opens his mouth)
Zoidberg: Guess again.
- Teen Titans: A sight gag involves Cyborg slapping on a rubber glove and wiggling his finger in a "cavity search" sort of gesture when Beast Boy suggests that Robin should be checked for a battery pack. It Makes Sense in Context. Sort of.
- Beavis and Butthead: Thinking that Stewart's father is responsible for the telephone pranks (which were actually performed by Beavis and Butthead), the biker Harry Sachs, shoves the cordless phone right up Mr. Stevenson's ass. Afterwards, the duo call Stewart to ask about the police cars and ambulance in front of his house, and it rings inside Mr. Stevenson.
- One episode consists entirely of Beavis at the hospital in agony over something that's charred his butt and bursts into a propelling flame when the doctors try to examine him. It's never explained and thus, unfortunately, left for us to imagine.
- The Venture Brothers: Brock Samson tells the ghost pirates the key is up his ass. He then proceeds to use the goon whose hand is up his ass to beat the other one to death.
- Dr. Girlfriend, having just been naked in order to have sex, somehow produces a list of demands that she dictates to the Monarch. He proceeds to wonder where she got that "magic, and probably moist" list from.
- Happens twice in The Ren and Stimpy Show Adult Party Cartoon episode "Altruists". The first is Ren accidentally shoving his finger into Stimpy's ass while they were performing their routine beatings, and the second happens when Ren intentionally pushed a tile inbetween Stimpy's buttcheeks.
- The Penguins of Madagascar: Cloudcuckoolander King Julien mentions how happy he is not to be a mammal when the mammals start disappearing. In order to verify his warm-blooded nature, Kowalski produces a thermometer from Hammerspace and briefly moves it under the table before yanking it back out. Julien's expression makes it abundantly clear what's going on.
- Adventure Time: While contacting BMO to check in on Finn if he's cheered up, Jake gets a good view of BMO about to kancho him. Finn didn't take it well, especially considering BMO used both of his hands.
- Implied in an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants where Scooter thinks a sea horse is a mechanical kiddie ride, so he takes a quarter and... yeah.
- King of the Hill had an episode where a doctor inserts a camera into Hank's anus to check for an intestinal blockage. Hank is humiliated, but nobody else understands what the big deal is.
- Celebrity Deathmatch had an episode where Mariah Carey kicks her foot up the butt of Jim Carey after she had with his attics. Mariah is momentarily stuck until she simple uses her other foot to kick Jim off.
- A playground prank popular with Japanese schoolchildren is kancho (enema). The child clasps the hands together so the index fingers are pointing out, then attempts to insert them into someone's rear end.
- A comedic video on how to perform kancho well can be seen here.
- In Gaijin Smash, Azrael commonly had to deal with students trying to kancho him during his time as a teacher.
- The Koreans have it as well, called the Dong Ch'im, or shit needle. (literal translation) Needless to day, I remember being at DLI (US Military Language School), going through the Korean course. Guess what we were threatened with if we weren't doing pushups properly?
- This police report describes a 14-year-old Wisconsin girl who was arrested for refusing to stop texting in class. The cell phone involved was found "from the buttocks area."
"When I entered the office *** was smiling and laughing as (Officer) Paula told me where she recovered the phone."
- An old folk remedy people used to use in Japan (and possibly other places) involved sticking a spring onion stalk or negi into the sick person's rectum, urethra or vagina like a suppository. It's known to cure constipation and other such things, but it's not used much anymore since it's now proven to be not so safe with a risk of infection. It's used as a Manga or Doujin gag for much the same reason as other examples of this trope.
- A surprising number of medical procedures involve going into the exit. Let's just say that the colonoscopy itself isn't nearly as bad as the preparation.
- Talk to an ER Doctor. You would not believe the things people attempt to cram into their own or each others' asses.
- How about the guy that tried to smuggle a grenade into prison in his ass?
- Still doesn't beat the guy who used a roadcone to pour wet cement into himself.
- What about the guy who had a canister of perfume shoved up his ass? [dead link]
- Some classic ones. Not very NSFW or Squicky, it's just X-ray images. But many of those are fake.
- Suppositories; these drugs are inserted into the rectum/vagina and dissolve over time while the highly absorbent walls of the cavity take the chemicals into the bloodstream.
- Real life intelligence agencies have gadgets (or containers for them) that are specifically made to hide in the rectum.
- The Soviet Union designed a rectal pistol for spies and assassins. After the infamous Doctor Who episode "Bad Wolf" this has led to some jokes in rare gun collecting circles about people using "the Harkness harness" when referring to attempts to find examples of this weapon. As so few were made it's a really rare piece... cue jokes about how hard it is to find...
- It's a weapon of ass obstruction.
- Chinese Man Gets Remote Control Stuck In Bottom After Drunk Prank
- A sea cucumber's gills consist of frilly tentacle-like structures that sprout from the inside wall of its anus. It normally extends them to breathe, but if threatened, it retracts them into its anus. Filter-feeding species also capture plankton on their gills, then retract them into their anus to transfer the food to their gut.
- There's a species of cusk-eel that actually lives in the anus of sea cucumbers.
- Many species of primitive sea life, especially jellyfish, have only one orifice that they use as both mouth and anus.
- A news story is floating around the internet of a man in China who died after his "friends" put a live eel up his bottom while he was passed out drunk. The Eel literally ATE HIS INSIDES.
- Sounds like a new version of the case mentioned already in 1000 Ways to Die.
- Take immature, stupid people, usually inexperienced with drinking, put them in a party, let them have all the alcohol they want. SOMEONE is getting something shoved up their ass.
- The traditional (though likely false) account of the death of King Edward II of England is that he was murdered with a red hot poker up the back passage. He is not the only person supposed to have been killed this way, either.
- Drug traffickers will sometimes hide their contraband up the rectal or vaginal passage in order to hide them from police during a body search.
- Viktor Suvorov described in one of his books the glasshouse in the Soviet Army. Apparently, each time an arrested man came there (whether to begin his sentence or after a day of work), his rectum was inspected for smuggled cigarettes or other forbidden items.
- The torture/execution method of impalement basically consists of this (Warning: SFW article, but squicky as hell context).
- Abner Louima had this done to him with a broomstick (or toilet plunger handle).
- Demonstrated in this comic strip as an "oil check", as performed by the US Marines.
- Builder Falls Off Ladder, Gets Shovel Handle Thrust Up Bum
- A Libyan rebel was filmed doing this to Gadhaffi in his final hours.
- A man in Brazil once stuffed an entire lungfish up his ass; the surgeons were stuck corpsing during the entirety of the removal procedure.
- The Saxon king Edmund II died when a Viking stabbed him up the arse while Edmund was using the toilet. What a shitty way to kill someone.
- A news story in around 2004-2005 about someone emulating the Jackass films. The guy tried putting a firecracker in his rectum...resulting in second degree burns and a cracked pelvis.
- as if having a fever wasn't bad enough already
- And it's 1.8 cm wide