Zoofights/Characters

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Expect some unmarked spoilers. It is recommended to avoid opening folders if you haven't read the corresponding story and want every fight winner to be a secret.

Zoofights I

The contestants for Zoofights 1 were not given names initially, although several of them received names towards the end. Most of them are therefore referred to with Exactly What It Says on the Tin names, except when a Fan Nickname takes hold.

Ten Gibbons With Clubs For Arms / Four Gibbons With Spring Legs And Egg Whisks For Arms / Devil Gibbon

Six Lions On Roller Skates With Cannons For Asses/Two Flying Lions With Cyborg Torsos/Lion Head On A Motorbike

A Thousand Rats / 200 Mutant Rats / 200 Zombie Rats

Firenoceros

Three Flying Tiger Sharks

Team Cheetah / The Steed of The Savannah

The comedic entry, Team Cheetah initially consisted of twenty cheetahs whose only special ability was to shoot off their heads at opponents. Of course, after shooting the head, the body dies from blood loss.

Giant Squid Holding Ten Melee Weapons / Mechos and the Red Banana / Mechos and Darth Gorilla / Weapons Platform Mechos and Darth Gorilla

Mechos is generally recognized as the champion of Zoofights 1 - although there was no clear winner, Mechos and his teammate The Red Banana are among the most popular and remembered of the original tournament - only Swanmass is more recognized.

  • Combat Tentacles
  • Defeat Equals Friendship}}: Mechos becomes close friends with a gorilla from the team of gorillas that faces him in Round 1. The two of them save each others’ lives as the tournament progresses.

Cosmonaut Gorillas With A Gatling Gun/Zombie Gorillas/Sega Gorillesis

Although hailing from various countries was a staple of later stories, in Zoofights 1 only a few entrants used their home country to provide character. The Cosmonaut Gorillas were one example, hailing from Russia. Over the course of the tournament they were beaten up worse and worse until what was left was "nailed together into a roughly apelike form" and given a Sega Genesis for a head, resulting in the Royal Rumble Winner and Crowning Moment of Funny Sega Gorillesis.

  • Shout-Out: Numerous Genesis games are mentioned over the course of Gorillesis' appearances.

Two Elephants On Tank Tracks / Tankophant / Hulkaphant / Hulkaphant Plus

The other finalist of Zoofights I, Hulkaphant stands alongside Mechos and the Red Banana as an undefeated survivor of Zoofights 1.

Nine Gazelles With Club Arms On Their Backs / Four Gazelles With Trident Arms and Helicopter Blades On Their Heads / Gazellocopter Vampire

Three Hippos With Laser Eyes / A Whole Lotta 'Potamus

Ten Swans With Gorilla Arms / Swanmass / Super Swanmass

The most (in)famous of all Zoofights 1 combatants, the villain of Zoofights 1 started out as a relatively harmless-looking gang of ten swans with gorilla arms. After they lost in a Curb Stomp Battle to the Laser-Eyed Hippos, though, the Zoofights team reanimated them for the Loser's League by "scooping up all the swan parts into a pile, turning on every machine in the area, and hiding behind a steel barricade with crucifixes". The ensuing Swanmass is a "heaving, quivering mass of necrotic swan flesh, groping along the ground in a fleshy cataclysm of beaks and hands. It's like a sea anemone from your darkest nightmares." Swanmass lives only to consume, and if left unchecked will absorb every living being on the planet into itself...

Major Failure: Please God let it die. For all of our sakes. We're sorry.

Wheeled Dolphins

Seven Enhanced Pigs Riding In a Bacon Tank / Porky Punisher

The pigs were all too aware of their modifications. "Upon seconds of a match commensing, the pigs begin convulsing and screaming with self-loathing". They then commit suicide with their pistols, forcing a new batch to be bred, or the corpses to be re-animated. Not the best idea Zoofights ever had.

  • Funny Animal
  • Took a Level in Badass - The pigs lose their first match when they commit suicide. But one survives, the soft bacon tank collapsing and preventing him from shooting himself. After enduring "the living hell of being entombed" with his dead brothers in a tank made from pig corpses, a "seriously angry pig" emerges from the wreckage and gets some significant upgrades, becoming Porky Punisher, a pig wearing Master Chief-style armor and armed with a Desert Eagle handgun. His ensuing wave of support made him a serious Ensemble Darkhorse. He even survived the tournament!

200 Radioactive Tarantulas with Jetpacks

Three Firebreathing Frogs The Size And Shape of Sylvester Stallone / Cancerman

Major Failure: He can leap tall buildings in a single bound, but his bones break upon landing. He can shoot webs, but they're usually speckled with his own blood. Poor bastard.

  • Kill It with Fire
  • The Woobie: They're portrayed as hilariously pitiable, especially when the last surviving frog gets cancer. Winds up getting invoked in-universe when even the normally heartless Zoofights Inc takes pity on him and allows him to quit a hopeless fight with Swanmass instead of leaving him to die.

John Burnell

Retired police chief John Burnell, from America’s Scariest Police Chases! He appears near the end of Zoofights 1 to battle Sega Gorillesis in an exhibition match, but soon winds up joining Mechos, Hulkaphant, and Porky Punisher in the final battle against Swanmass.

Zoofights II

Team Chainjaw

Bee Unit

Kings Of Canada / Sergeant Grumbles

The Shark Brothers

Is it possible to have too much of a good thing? The Shark Brothers are four clones of the late Owen Hart, with the head and arms replaced with shark heads. A fourth shark head is planted in the chest, for a total of sixteen shark heads.

Hive Lions

The Hive Lions are a team of lions that fight as one, brainwashed to act as a hivemind via servers planted on increasingly-ridiculous otherwise-normal animals. They start off by relying on an armored but ordinary giant tortoise, and later upgrades spread the control out to swarms of smaller animals.

Chuggatherium

Mr. Atlantic

This brute is a killer whale with ogre limbs. He was maimed horribly in the first round, but went on a tear in the Loser's League.

Owl Patrol

One of the most mysterious zoofighters ever, Owl Patrol began life as 80 human beings. Once survivors of the Vietnam War, these shellshocked veterans were subjected to horrific experiments as Zoofights Inc slowly turned them into owl-men. Even Zoofights was disturbed at what they created, and decided to release them in the hope that they'd never pop up again. 30 years later, they did. Investigating reports of missing people, Zoofights representatives ventured into a mysterious cave and discovered that 20 members of Owl Patrol still lived.

Major Failure: What we found, after four days of fruitless searching and our men being dragged screaming into tiny passages beneath the earth, was pure zoofights gold: 20 survivors of the Owl Patrol Project, still dressed in khaki rags, clutching rusted, jagged fragments of rifle parts and caked in three decades of blood, filth and horror. We had finally created the most insane organisms on the planet.

The Institution

This entrant is a team of orangutans, riding various other animals into battle.

The End

The Russian entrant. The End is a swarm of 200 lobsters linked by a hivemind. They have the ability to deliver a moderately-powerful electric shock through their claws.

Chimp My Ride

The Dream Made Flesh

Not Just For Breakfast / Necrogoat / Das Ziegenmancer

A disturbing creature indeed, the Necrogoat is a seemingly completely ordinary goat. However, it has the ability to control dead flesh, levitating it and using it as shields and weapons alike. Worse still, the more disgusted and hateful the crowd is of the goat, the more powerful his abilities become - if the crowd likes him or is disinterested, or if nobody is watching, his powers are clumsy and he prefers to play defense. At higher levels he attacks extremely aggressively but leaves himself open due to lack of meat shielding. An interesting competitor indeed.

Captain Jack Sasquatch

Bigfoot has been captured. Zoofights Inc put him in hypersleep for three years, linking him up to a computer loaded with martial arts knowledge in the hopes of creating "a nine foot tall, hairy ninja". Unfortunately, a tragic mix-up meant Bigfoot had been watching Pirates of the Caribbean on repeat for three years straight, and was now totally insane. Zoofights cut their losses and sent him in anyway, with a pirate theme.

Grapplesaurus Rex

Finally, an answer to what to do with a T-rex's pathetic arms: Replace them with grappling harpoons!

  • Ambiguous Gender: Referred to as male at the beginning of the tournament, but later called a female. It is likely Major Failure found out female tyrannosaurs are thought to be larger than males - he tends to use the biggest, most aggressive representative of the species possible.
  • Conjoined Twins: Grapplesaurus obtained a second head later in the tournament.

Snakes On A Brain

One of the most ludicrous monsters ever to enter Zoofights, this monstrosity is a sperm whale brain in an armored dome, upon which sits a laser turret. Surrounding the dome, like tentacles, are the front halves of twelve anacondas.

The Audience

AKA The Reason Major Failure Disowned Zoofights II. It all started in Round 2. The Institution and The Dream Made Flesh entered the arena to the sound of the crowd going nuts for blood and death. Disgusted, the two teams of animals joined forces and went into Round 3 together, without a single attack launched. Major Failure berated the audience for their bloodlust and threw them into a Loser's League match with Chuggatherium. It could have worked, but Major Failure didn't come up with any hard-and-fast rules for fighting, and the roleplaying soon took over the tournament, with different people writing conflicting stories, Mr. Atlantic dying and reviving multiple times, and just general nonsense. The Zoofights website's archive of Zoofights II ends with the Audience/Chuggatherium announcement.

Zoofights III

Steamcrab / Steamcrab Mk. II / Krustus

An ancient crab dredged up from the sea of Japan, outfitted with steam driven weaponry and set loose on the Zoofights tournament. Steamcrab is an extreme Anglophile and always strives to be the perfect gentleman, staving in his opponents heads in a dignified and courteous manner.

Steamcrab fights all the way to the end of the tournament, defeating Reanimammut and Drillbjorn only to be defeated non-lethally by Oh The Huge Manatee in the semifinals. This later proves to be vital in defeating From Hell, with Steamcrab awakening during the fight and helping to defeat the monstrosity once and for all.


Reanimammut

A rotting, decaying wooly mammoth husk exhumed from the frozen wastes of Siberia. Animated by the blackest of sorceries, what this colossus lacks in reasoning skills is more than made up for in sheer unstoppable power.

Reanimammut is defeated in the first round by Steamcrab. It later faces off against the lobotomised Ultraphant in the losers league.


Oh, The Huge Manatee! / Iron Manatee / Gravatee

A veteran warrior, Oh The Huge Manatee is the only survivor of a litter of twelve pups trained by the British Government to combat Chinese plans to grow opium on the moon in the 1860s. This embittered cigar chomping veteran comes armed with an advanced powersuit containing a harpoon gun, a chainsaw and a jetpack.

The Manatee proved to be one of the more successful Zoofights competitors, effortlessly slaughtering the Tapogres in the first round. He proceeded to KO Project K in the second round, then finally fought Steamcrab in the semifinals, defeating him by freezing him solid.


Tapogres

What happens when you inject Malayan Tapir cells into ogre eggs? You end up with 1.5 tons of pure muscle, fat and grease. They are rude, crude and just waiting for an excuse to bash something to pieces. Also, there are three of them. No, actually there are six. Seven, even.

In the end, the Tapogres achieved nothing, being effortlessly humiliated in the first round by Oh The Huge Manatee. Every subsequent appearance has them being useless, ineffectual or both.

  • Attack! Attack! Attack!: Honestly too stupid to do anything else.
  • Butt Monkey: Pretty much the ultimate example in the world of Zoofights.
    • For proof of how far this goes, in their second match against a crippled Edward Tigerhands, most people gave them their votes just to put Tigerhands out of his misery. This would have been a landslide victory for the Tapogres and yet they still lost.
  • Cloning Blues
  • We Have Reserves: There are more than one of these things. Didn't help them in the end, though.


The Rabble

Not a single entity, but a group entrant composed of a giant ten foot tall badger led into combat by a mob of unruly drunks, tramps and various other dregs of society.

Though The Rabble put up a heroic fight against Edward Tigerhands in the first round, the fight resulted in the loss of the badger and every member of the 'army' except Stockbridge and Barrington dying. The aforementioned pair survived the tournament by pairing up with other combatants, first Bastard Shark and then Bisoncopter before piloting the final attack run of the Bisondreadnought against From Hell.


Edward Tigerhands

A monstrous bipedal Rhinocerous with its fists replaced with living, biting tiger heads. It was previously designated for riot control in British India, only to be retired from duty due to being too brutal.

Despite being designed to handle large crowds, Edward Tigerhands lost to The Rabble in round one due to a last-minute improvisation by Stockbridge and Barrington. After that he participated in the losers league, eventually losing to a demon-posessed Father Leo McGarry.


The Crocodevil

A seven metre long saltwater crocodile...with a pair of genuine demon wings attached to its back. The crocodile itself is dangerous enough, but the pair of wings have a mind of their own.

The Crocodevil loses its first fight against Bastard Shark, but the wings detach from its burning bones and fly away at the end of the fight. They eventually become attached to Father Leo McGarry, who proceeds to curb stomp his way through the loser's league before finally being utterly destroyed by From Hell.

  • Achilles' Heel: The fresh scar tissue around the wings is vulnerable to attack.
  • Curb Stomp Battle: Every match with Father Leo McGarry, aside from his fight with The Mess, and ultimatly his death to From Hell at the end, qualified as one.
  • Demonic Possession: Averted, the wings are sentient but cannot control the Crocodevil's actions directly. Played straight with McGarry however, who eventually becomes the genuine antichrist.
  • Oh Crap: We never see the fight, but we certainly hear McGarry freak the hell out before From Hell obliterates him during the final days of the tournament.
  • The Antichrist: As McGarry, even summoning the horsemen of the apocalypse.


Bastard Shark

A massive whale shark outfitted with a jaw-mounted flamethrower and artificial spider limbs allowing it to walk on land. Despite being nominally herbivorous, the Zoofights team forced Bastard Shark to eat meat instead of plankton, driving the shark to the brink of sanity.

The shark wins his first battle against The Crocodevil, only to have his fight against the remnants of The Rabble interrupted by the arrival of From Hell. Both combatants team up to escape, with the arrangement carrying on into the next battle against Bisoncopter, whereupon Stockbridge and Barrington's stupidity causes the shark to lose.


Drillbjorn / Odinkaru

An old polar bear who fights to venerate the Norse Gods, this hulking ursine warrior will only stop when he feels the hand of Thor on his shoulder in Valhalla. Though he is old and arthritic, Drillbjorn's power drill is devastating in close combat and he carries with him the secrets of the Viking berserkers.

Drillbjorn proved to be a deadly warrior, defeating Ultraphant in the first round despite suffering massive injuries. His opponent in the second round was Steamcrab, and though Drillbjorn succeeded in shattering the crustacean's body he still lost the fight in the end.


Ultraphant

A thirteen foot tall elephant from the Ivory Coast, Ultraphant joined the indigenous hunters and poachers and began to mercilessly slaughter his own kind. His trunk has been replaced with an iridium morning star and his feet are encased in the finest Arab ceramic armor. A truly soulless killing machine.

Despite his vast power and bulk, Ultraphant was soundly defeated in the first round when Drillbjorn lobotomised him with his drill. The now mindless pachyderm proceeded to fight Reanimammut in the losers league, controlled by a series of primitive pneumatic tubes to make up for the loss of his brain.


Pandamander

The Asian entrant for Zoofights III is a curious chimera composed of the front half of a panda surgically attached to the body of a giant salamander. For weaponry, Pandamanda sports two heavy assault rifles in place of arms but is woefully lacking in the close combat department.

Pandamanda and Hellpotamus wind up killing each other in a mutual KO. Their shattered bodies are later welded together into a single monstrous abomination named Pandamanderpotapanzee. This ungodly beast is later killed off for good by Bisoncopter during the second round.


Hellpotamus

A massive hippo with attitude and a deadly vomiting problem, Hellpotamus's primary method of attack is its highly acidic projectile vomit that flows forth in a constant stream. Hellpotamus also has a gunslinging chimpanzee for backup and precision strikes.

As mentioned above, Pandamanda and Hellpotamus end up killing each other and are fused into one being for the second round, whereupon they both lose to Bisoncopter.


Project K / Dropbear

The Australian entry, Project K was originally created by the British as part of the same war effort that brought us Oh The Huge Manatee. It's an eight foot high koala bear, genetically enhanced to make a suitable guard for a Uranium mining colony. After the mine was abandoned, the creature escaped into the wild, living off the wildlife and suffering badly from massive tumours, caused by it's years of exposure to nuclear fuel.

Project K began promisingly enough, winning it's first fight by savaging The Mess in a fit of anger. It then went into the second round having nearly doubled in size and covered in Cavorite crystals, giving it control over gravity. It was then dispatched by Iron Manitee in it's next match, however.

  • Body Horror: His body is utterly infested with tumours. Also, it's implied he's had sand get into his brain in the past.
  • Determinator: As his log reads, '...(P)roject K will likely still be fighting on for a few minutes after death due to the ludicrous amount of stimulants in its system.' And it shows. He is able to keep fighting for a while after taking a CHAINSAW THROUGH THE FACE.
  • Gravity Master
  • Unstoppable Rage: Oh so very much.


The Mess

A chimera consisting of a jaguar's upper body, an anaconda's lower body, and a macaw's wings, created by shamans in the Amazon Rainforest to drive out a nearby oil mining operation. Silent, swift and deadly, it also has psychic powers to some degree.

Despite its numerous powers, The Mess lost out to Project K during the first round. It later fought in the Loser's League, having gained the power of Armchair Psychology in the process.

'The fury of forgotten water devils, the sorrow of a dying race, the sheer capacity to be a total dick of a macaw.'

  • Giant Flyer: The Mess is 30 feet long and can fly.
  • The Unfavorite: As mentioned on the main page, Major Failure is not a big fan of The Mess. Mainly down to the fact he hates drawing jaguars.


Bisontrain / Bisoncopter / Bisoncraft / Bisondreadnought

The American entrant to Zoofights, Bisontrain is exactly what it sounds like; a train with a bison's head stuck on the front. Bisontrain was plagued with technical problems and sabotage, resulting in its fight being repeatedly pushed back. Bisontrain has immense speed and power...in one direction only. Nevertheless, the Bison part is detachable and can be welded to numerous different chassis.

Bisontrain actually lost his first fight against the MOTHERFUCKING MARTIAN, passing through to the next round by default when two of the Zoofights commentators beat the alien to death after the end of the battle. The Bison would go on to win all of its subsequent matches, each time being attached to a different body, before finally making a suicidal kamikazee attack against From Hell in the final battle.

  • Broke the Rating Scale: Most of his combat ratings given in the first round are listed as "TRAIN/10."
  • The Cameo: Appears briefly in Zoofights 4 as Bisoncore.
    • And again in Zoofights 6, playing keyboard for Ned Killy and the Kings of Beasts.
  • Cool Train
  • Crippling Overspecialisation: He's a train. No matter how strong he is, he can only go where the tracks are. Subverted with Bisoncopter and the other subsequent incarnations.
  • Death Glare: He always sports one, no matter the situation.
  • Heroic Sacrifice: As Bisondreadnought, he rams himself into From Hell during the final match of Zoofights III, destroying the two of them in the process.
  • Perpetual Frowner
  • The Stoic: It doesn't matter how much trouble he's in or how strong his opponent is; Bisontrain never loses his badass frown.

Contestant 12 / A Motherfucking Martian (Oh Shit Son) / The Necromonitron

By far the most mysterious of the 16 entrants for this tournament, the creature in vault number 12 refused to come out for its scheduled match and used horrible psychic powers to keep anyone from coming inside to force it out. The only thing that stood a chance of busting through the wall was Bisontrain. The tournament - and maybe the world - was now in Bisontrain's hands.

Although Bisontrain was defeated by the Motherfucking Martian, the Zoofights commentary team went in with machetes and cut up the Martian while it was distracted with ripping the bison from his train. Bisontrain was allowed into the next round, while the Loser's League received a beast called The Necromonitron. Most likely the revived martian, the Necromonitron was listed as "DO NOT RELEASE, EXTREMELY DANGEROUS", and when its fight was scheduled to begin its opponent was given a bye without a single word of what happened to Necromonitron. It remains one of the greatest mysteries of Zoofights.

  • Alternate Reality Game: While the Major has yet to revisit the Necromonitron in canon Zoofights, the artifact showed up to cause trouble over in The Bar, the official Roleplaying forum for Zoofights.
  • Chekhov's Gun: Though the Martian itself is killed in the first round, technology from the Martians would later be used in the upgrades for Steamcrab.
  • Chuck Cunningham Syndrome
  • Disc One Final Boss
  • Mind Over Matter
  • Starfish Aliens

Jack The Ripper

Big Bad of Zoofights 3, Jack the Ripper is never directly encountered. Instead, he leaves unsettling letters to the readers, eventually unveiling his plan to destroy all of London (and probably the rest of the world as well) with his unearthly creation, From Hell.

  • Evil Laugh and Laughing Mad: Apparently spends a lot of time expressing mirth. Lily Limbcake even refers to him as "Laughing" in her diary, not knowing his real name.
  • The Unfought

From Hell

Monstrous creation of Jack the Ripper, From Hell first appeared during the battle between Bastard Shark and the remnants of The Rabble, forcing Stockbridge and Barrington to team up with the shark. From there, From Hell took over the arena and began growing into an unstoppable monstrosity, even defeating Father Leo McGarry in the finals. It takes the sacrifices of Steamcrab, Oh The Huge Manatee and Bisondreadnought to defeat him once and for all.

Zoofights IV

Imperaptor / Battleopteryx / Raptorcycle

Burgertherium / Burger Lord

This hideous creature has the DNA of a giant ground sloth, but its body is rotting hamburger, its skeleton is metal piping and its blood is boiling oil and grease. As one competitor who voted for him put it, “Obviously everything that could go wrong with him already has.”

Dakuvanga / Tethys

A vicious hammerhead shark with a buzzsaw for a tail, walking the earth on a set of spindly metal legs. Dakuvanga is a reminder that we are very lucky sharks are not able to live on land.

Riot Yeti / 'Nam Yeti / The Shaolin Monkey

The last yeti, hopped up on speed and wielding an electrically-charged spear and riot shield. What could possibly go wrong?

  • Bigfoot, Sasquatch, and Yeti
  • Drugs Are Bad: A very rare example of Zoofights playing this trope straight – Riot Yeti’s history of drug use gave him a bit of brain damage, and in his fight against Dakuvanga, his poor decision-making costs him the match.

Major Failure: Oh Riot Yeti you stupid motherfucker.

Tunguska / Tsar Bumble

The second alien to enter Zoofights, Tunguska is the Russian entrant, as that is where it was found. This possibly-female monster, while gigantic, is still only a larva...

Old Bitey / Chompa / Ned Killy

Equipped with flight and massively powerful jaws as well as a rotating array of backup weapons that includes broken bottles, guns, lightsabers, a force field and stinging tentacles, the Australian entrant Ned Killy holds the extra-special distinction of being the first ever competitor to outright win a tournament.

Hydrafficus

One of Zoofights’ largest entrants ever, this Greek entry is a gigantic tortoise body with four giraffe necks coming out the front. And each giraffe has a different elemental power.

Inquisipede / Centipope / Elohim

This bizarre entrant was originally merely a giant centipede whose venom gave you religious visions. Later in the tournament, however, Inquisipede’s corpse is infected by a space parasite that brings him back to life and strengthens his religious zeal. By tournament’s end the centipede has fused with the headless body of a monstrous alien (the adult form of Tunguska) and appears in space to duel the Big Bad in a final fight to determine whether the human race will be slaughtered or merely toyed with.

Glaciosaur / Ankylodyte / The Penguin

Hailing from Antarctica, Glaciosaur is an Ankylosaurus adapted to live in extreme cold. Later in the tournament, he is joined by The Penguin, a sunglasses-wearing, rifle-toting Badass Normal.

Killobyte / Trilobike / Overlord

Killobite is a somewhat dim-witted but still primitively resourceful giant trilobite with tank treads and cannons. He represents Great Britain.

  • Badass Mustache: As Overlord.
  • Cool Bike
  • Crack Defeat: One because his opponent was vastly underpowered and one because he had the majority vote but lost to the random number generator.

Wolfbike / Wolf Patrol / The Zoobikes (Dogbike, Cheetahbike, Bikebike)

The ridiculous Wolfbike is nothing more than the head of a wolf crudely stitched onto a motorcycle with two big beefy arms. The resulting creature has little to no offensive ability, but DOES have a whole lotta heart.

  • Big Damn Heroes: He and his Zoobike friends pop up in the Losers' League Royal Rumble to fight against Elohim. They lose anyway.
    • And in Zoofights 5, he comes back, falling from the atmosphere towards where Batahan and Croctopus are fighting. He ends up burning to ashes in the atmosphere.
  • Cool Bike
  • Cool Shades
  • Crack Defeat: All of his victories.
  • Joke Character: Especially Bikebike.
  • Popularity Power

Slammonite / Rammonite / Wrasslopod

The American representative is a hybrid of ammonite and pro wrestler DNA. Powerful but with an unstable heart, this poorly-engineered beast has a limited time to wreck everything he can before his heart gives out.

Major Failure: We warned the Americans, but did they fucking listen?

Kriegbehemot / Psynoceros / Dred Zeppelin

A woolly rhinoceros from the Ice Age, Kriegbehemot is similar to your average rhino in ability and disposition. Over the course of the tournament the rhino becomes almost lost under more and more machinery added to the beast.

  • Mook: Dred Zeppelin has his own personal supply of Mooks in the form of chimps with brains in jars for heads.
  • Rhino Rampage: And how – all the way to the finals, including two upset victories!
  • Shout-Out: Kriegbehemot's armor looks very Warhammer 40,000-ish.

Heart Of Darkness / Hyperfauna

This nightmarish beast from South Africa was a hideous conglomeration of jungle animals. Sporting an elephant head, a rhino head, a hippo head, and four bullet-spewing ostrich heads, with a crocodile tail and dozens of gazelle legs allowing it to flow unnervingly across the ground, Heart of Darkness was one of the largest and most frightening monsters Zoofights has seen yet.

The Delegation / Control Squid / Seanet

A psychic cuttlefish representing Japan ominously appeared at the Zoofights space station ten minutes before they were going to ask Japan to enter. The result of experiments to create a new intelligent life form on par (or smarter than) humans, The Delegation can control objects telepathically, and can also read minds.

The leader of Seanet is a truly massive squid hundreds of feet long. Second in command are numerous Control Squids about the size of a small giant squid. The lowest-ranked members are eight-foot-long cuttlefish.

The Walrus / Once Were Walrus

Representing an After the End Bad Future New Zealand, The Walrus is a humanoid walrus. That’s it. He’s got a gun and a broken pool cue for offense. Kind of an underdog.

Star Truck

Five 50-foot-long Titanaboas, welded onto a giant dump truck. This enormous beast was a replacement brute for Hydrafficus, who was unable to fight due to suffering mortal wounds in its fight with Inquisipede.

Mecha Ants

In Zoofights 4 these six-foot robotic insects served as handy servants to deal with any problems that required going out into the air-less void of space, like hull repair.

Zoofights V

Dreadnautilus / Aggronaut / Squidiot

  • Dumb Muscle: Subverted - it is his controllers (three humans commanding him via walkie-talkies) that are stupid. When their connection is cut, Dreadnautilus is shown to be quite clever.
    • And then double subverted when he comes back for the Losers' League as Squidiot; having lost most of his brain in the fight against Draaaainage, he now needs his controllers to tell him what to do.
  • Face Heel Turn: Seanet takes control of Aggronaut during the fight with Draaaaainage.
  • He Who Fights Monsters
  • More Dakka
  • Too Dumb to Live: As Squidiot

Brut05 / Hog Wild

From South Africa, Brut-05 is the front half of a warthog attached to a mecha. The result is a heavily armed but poorly armored fighter.

Snake Preview / Snake Pilgrim / Gamma Constrictor / Ouroboros

Blood 4 Oil / Draaainage / Brutish Petroleum

  • Always Male: Aversion.
  • Giant Flyer
  • Mother of a Thousand Young
  • You Can't Fight Fate: Played with in several ways. Blood 4 Oil fights fate and wins (“Your Going 2 Die”). Additionally, it seems the only thing that can ever stop Snake Preview is Blood 4 Oil’s drill stabbing through his brain, so even when she’s dead before the final battle, she finds a way to help regardless.

Smash Gordon / Newer Labour

After some controversy (both in and out of universe) about having human entrants in Zoofights after Zoofights 3’s Two Drunk Guys and Father Leo McGarry, Major Failure instituted a “no humans” rule. That didn’t stop the Zoofights 5 British team from entering Smash Gordon, who is a Neanderthal caveman and thus is not quite human.

Nelson

Smash Gordon’s pet bulldog, described as much more intelligent than him. Gordon relies on Nelson to help him figure out what to do when not fighting. Nelson proved far more popular than Gordon.

The Sturgeon General / Sturgeongrad / Chernoble

The ever-suffering (still had not won a match by this point) Russia’s entry for Zoofights 5. The Sturgeon General is a truly giant sturgeon attached to the bottom half of a tank (The resulting hybrid is 25 feet tall). The Sturge is an intelligent, calculating creature who, in the words of one spectator, is “probably the absolute sanest being ever to enter Zoofights”. A definite departure from the usual Chaotic Stupid monsters.

Croctopus / Captain Croctopus / Commodore Croctopus / Admiral Croctopus

The Indian entrant. Patel Industries's finest ship destroyer, Croctopus spent his life before Zoofights breaking down decomissioned boats into scrap metal. “A top quality crocodile with the arms of a top quality octopus”, Croctopus is completely insane (due to his past, he thinks his purpose in life is to build boats) and in possession of many, many power tools. Not a good combination.

  • Ascend to a Higher Plane of Existence: After the final battle is over, the camera pans up to show that Croctopus has become a constellation in the sky of the newly reset universe.
  • Big Damn Hero
  • Bunny Ears Lawyer
  • Catch Phrase: "Im building a bote!"
  • Cloudcuckoolander: Permanently under the delusion that he is, in fact, building a boat, rather than fighting other monstrosities.
  • Colonel Badass: Appears in an alternate universe as Colonel Octodile, fighting the evil Space Snake.
  • Combat Tentacles
  • Cool Ship: Invariably destroyed as soon as the fight begins, but that just means he can build another one!
  • Cool Sword: Acquires the Sturgeon General's cavalry sabre after defeating him in battle.
  • Cool Hat
  • Heroic Sacrifice: Croctopus kills Gamma Constrictor and returns the entire timeline back to normal, at the cost of ascending to a higher plane of existence.
  • Mix and Match Critter: Crocodile with octopus arms.
  • Not So Stoic
  • Reset Button: His battle with Gamma Constrictor resets the Zoofights universe, turning the after-the-end setting into the Eighties and erasing all knowledge of the evil sna-- I mean "stretch-lizard".
  • You Kill It, You Bought It: Croctopus builds his "botes" out of his defeated foes.

Pride and Prejudice / E.M.M.A. / Purrslaysion

Channeling the spirit of the legendary head-shooting cheetahs from Zoofights 1, the Pride is a group of about a dozen or so lions, backed up by a gigantic railgun named “Prejudice”. The lions pull the gun into position, and then one of them climbs in the back and presses a button, causing Prejudice to rip off the lion’s head and shoot it at the enemy.

Count Smackula / Punchules The Magnificent / Fists O'Batahan

The first Irish fighter, Count Smackula is an enormous bat with a fondness of scrap metal. He likes to employ dirty tricks in his fighting and is capable of drinking infinite amounts of alcohol without passing out. Continuing the popular tradition, his legs have been replaced with big muscly arms.

  • Bat Out of Hell
  • Crazy Prepared: In round 2, Punchules had apparently been studying Batman comics, because when his Bane-inspired opponent broke his spine the clever bat revealed he brought a spare.
  • Combat Pragmatist: Pretending to be unable to move, blinding his opponent with rage with acts of vandalism, and distracting his opponent with an arm-wrestling match are some of Smackula’s more notable techniques.
  • Drinking Contest: Between him and The Snapture.
  • Good Old Fisticuffs

Mr. Ro-Boto / Ro-Boto Cop

Japan’s entrant this time around was an adorable pink river dolphin. Of course, river dolphins aren’t worth much without some sort of upgrade, so Mr. Ro-Boto sits inside a bipedal mecha tricked out with numerous weapons. Later he exchanges it for a more form-fitting battle suit with laser guns.

Sting Kong / Gorillesis MK. II / Bango And Crash

One of the more sympathetic monsters Zoofights has seen, Sting Kong has the body of a gorilla, scorpion tails for arms, and the head of a wasp. He was created by a mad scientist on a faraway tropical island, and was left to fend for himself when the scientist succumbed to his own creations. Although he has lots of fighting experience from his time on the island, Sting Kong has only fought to survive. Later on his wasp head is replaced by a Sega Genesis and he becomes closely linked with the original Sega Gorillesis.

Barbaramundi / Banebarrimundi / Tetramundi

The Australians, attempting to make lightning strike twice, have once again entered an augmented fish into the tournament. Unlike top-level contender Ned Killy, however, Barbarrimundi is a simpler, lower-budget creation. No flight, no lightsabers, and no mechanically enhanced jaws – just a barramundi perched atop the body of a particularly burly man.

Presidential Seal / Seal of Disapproval / The Seventh Seal

After the End, America has gone underground, trying to avoid the worst of the nuclear holocaust wrought by Seanet. Unfortunately, the Americans have not escaped unscathed – they mutated, went crazy, and elected a giant bull elephant seal as their president-god-emperor. The Seal has subsequently entered the tournament to prove his might.

  • Acrofatic: Surprisingly agile, even in the second round, when he has bulked up significantly in preparation for his rumble with The Snapture. It’s all possible thanks to the hydraulic pipes installed in and on his body.
  • Eagle Land
  • President Evil and Sleazy Politician: Made clear in the “From the Office of the President of the United States” letters that appear as bonus content.
  • Stout Strength

The European Onion / The Bloody Onion / The AgriCultural Revolution

Great Leap Forward / The Long March

The first ever Zoofighter from North Korea! Great Leap Forward was originally created to assist the peasant folk with day-to-day challenges like farming, but he can fight when he has to.

The Snapture

A truck-sized snapping turtle with unclear motives. He does drugs, he drinks heavily, he smokes, and he curses like a sailor. As if that wasn’t enough, he seems to be immortal...

Marlin the Magnificent

Towards the end of Zoofights 5, there was a one-month delay between the semifinals and the final battle due to Major Failure getting married and going on a honeymoon. To help fill time, several spectators came up with their own beasts to stage exhibition matches. Most of the battles fizzled out early, but one that made it to completion pitted Marlin the Magnificent against Widow Maker. MTM is a marlin with a jetpack. He also has a diamond tip to his sword nose and drills instead of front fins.

Widow Maker

A female praying mantis (female mantids are always bigger and stronger!) boasting nails on her claws, a gun that shoots black widow spiders attached to her rear, and stealth camouflage as well as the power of flight and high intelligence. The tradeoff? Her exoskeleton can handle only minor attacks, rendering her one of the frailest monsters in Zoofights.

  • Big Creepy-Crawlies
  • Dangerously Genre Savvy: She’s studied up on Zoofights history and past matches, and she knows what works and what doesn’t.
    • This makes it incredibly ironic in Zoofights 6, when her creator used her as his RP character and proceeded to have her lose every match she bet on.
    • It Got Worse. The one time her creator did win, it was using another RP character. Who was it, you ask? Hella Jeff, of all people!
  • Fragile Speedster
  • Mook Maker

Zoofights VI

As a whole

Huggles T. Bear / Teddy Kruger / Mental Ben

A cuddly-wuddly bear with batteries jammed into his brain and a giant laser in his stomach. The perfect Christmas gift!

The Berlin Walrus / The Cold Warlrus

The combined effort of East and West Berlin. Fights with a brick launcher and an iron fin.

Croaka Cola / New Croak / Diet Croak

A soda company mascot shot into space. He's SEEN THINGS, MAN, but is it enough for Zoofights?

Monster Truck / Delorelion / Monster Truck II: Fight Rider

Half-tiger, half-truck, 100% unimaginably painful existence.

  • And I Must Scream: He can and does, but he can't do much else. Yet.
  • Body Horror
  • Cliff Hanger: With Teddy Kruger. Resolved when he KO's Teddy.
  • Cyborg
    • A certain drunken surgeoneer may have implanted a flux capacitor into his chest. Are we going to have to worry about stripe-lions on top of stretch-lizards?
  • Flash Step: If he can get up to 88 mph.
  • Flipping the Bird: At Hardcore Prawn after the Prawn tricked him into a volcano.
  • Hyperspace Is a Scary Place: Apparently any time travelers will encounter Crocktopus fighting Sn--Stretchlizard Pilgrim in "hyperspace".
  • Imagine Spot: He remembers being a normal, carefree tiger for just a moment, which is enough to make him really freaking angry about his present situation.
  • Time Travel: He can travel through time if he can get up to 88 mph, but it's not clear how effective this is.
  • Transformation Sequence / Transformation Trauma: Ouch. [dead link]
    • Thankfully, as Fight Rider, he is no longer heavily injured by his transformation.

Bull Market / Ca$h Cow

He's backed by the best things money can buy: a bronzed hide, carbon-fibre suits, an ultra-dense brick of a cell phone on a chain, and one heck of an assistant.

Murducken / The Osmium Chef / Lawn Moa

A female terror-bird given Big Muscly ArmsTM and a powerful microwave for a heart.

Playing Mantis / Neuromantis / Final Mantisy

The most high-tech creation Japan has to offer versus...

Cray Fish / Krilldozer / Hardcore Prawn / Hardcore Prawn II: Claws for Concern

... America's offering, which is very slow and in constant danger of overheating.

When Krilldozer's construction team took him out for testing during the Manhattan riots (aftermath pictured here), he managed to impale two entirely non-cybernetic hoodlums, and make them scuttle around making pincer motions with their hands while they begged for it all to stop. As such, it would seem his hacking abilities may no longer be limited to machines.

Ironichide via The Major: "He had killed the rest of the Kray team out of 'what looked like spiteful thrills' and begun a cult of other animals who guarded his new home at the head of the river on the starboard face of the volcano. His only focus was now reading Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. Still laughing."

Mangolin' Pangolins / Double Pangolin (Drillz (the leader) and Hammerz) / Two Bad Ass Pangolins

A gang of totally radical pangolins. They have power tools for arms, street smarts, and an incentive for winning the tournament: freedom.


Hippos With An Eating Disorder / Hippangopotalin with an Anger Disorder / Angsteater

Four berserk, cannibalistic hippos that eat everything in their sight. Now one berserk cannibalistic hippo/pangolin/human thing that eats everything in its sight.

Why, why, why did nobody stop to think before hauling the corpse of the most intact Hippo left after Round One into the quantum resurrection chamber and hitting the On Switch? The damnable machine fulfilled its purpose of disassembling the hippo at an atomic level and rebuilding it in a living state in the next room - but it also worked its grisly magic on the brute's entire stomach content. Tragically, this meant that the hippo, when reborn, was fused with the remains of eight crowd members and Sawz, the hapless pangolin who was devoured by it at the very start of their duel.

PEP-Simian / Crystal PEP-Simian / A Jar Of Frog Piss

Another corporate mascot, this time an axe-crazy chimp with a skateboard who can metabolize CO2.

The Zoofights Foundation took him in when he was but a chimplet, held in a stainless steel boxcar and scheduled to be destroyed after being ejected from the most violent zoo in America for murdering all the elephants.

  • Cool Shades
  • Curb Stomp Battle (see below): PEP-Simian was creamed during the voting period, half because Hare Metal had dark magical powers and half because everyone wanted to him fight Croaka-Cola in the Losers League.
    • In the fight with New Croak he was melted, ground up, and drunk by Croak. Such is the fate of those hit with the random factor tractor.
  • Everything's Better with Monkeys
  • Foil (probably): To Croaka-Cola, who's a stoic in a space suit while PEP-Simian is an axe-crazy on a skateboard.
  • Joke Character: A Jar Of Frog Piss.
  • Kill It with Fire and eat its heart for good measure


Hare Metal / Black Rabbath / Thumperstruck

"Hare Metal is an eldritch blend of British steel and forbidden rural energies that, frankly, we do not understand."

Gadadhara / Kali Babar / Muhammut Kali / Vighneshvara, The Lord of Obstacles

An Indian elephant with two sets of Big Muscly ArmsTM from the makers(?) of Croctopus.

Luchadillo / Muertodillo / Armor Dio / Armor Dio and the Super Pangolin Brothers

Half armadillo, half Glyptodon, all wrestler.

Achilles' Eel / Double Eelix

"Cloned from the cells of Caligula's biggest and most vicious Moray Eel, this aquatic titan has been through a phenomenal array of modifications since its birth was greenlit by the deranged marketing committee of the Victory Shoe Company."

Teslacorn / Horsepower / Nightmare

"Surrounded by powerful Horsefields and crackling with ruinous energy, this pale blue apparition gallops through the air on a trail of wild electricity and thundering hooves, spreading loose ions and possibly cancer in her wake."

Friendship Is A Redundant Concept Only Held By The Weak.

    • Averted in real-life: If only Major Failure had the time to ask Brian Blessed who would win, a giant electric eel with a cool shoe or a giant electrified horse.

The World Creature Wars

Knock-off fighters (with their own version of the Major, Commador Disaster) recruited by that damn gecko in a surprise bid to take over Zoofights in the middle of the Losers' League Royal Rumble. Very quickly, they are as follows (descriptions by the Major):

  • ARMS 'N DANGEROUS—A ball of Big Muscley Arms controlled by an ameoba, this is the reason for the recent shortage of BMA in the tournament. Killed by Final Mantisy who infected the amoeba, causing it to tear itself apart
  • OCTOPUS CRIME—An octopus that cannot stop commiting felonies. Double-KO'd with Carp. A. Diem by Mental Ben and Nightmare
  • CARP. A. DIEM—The murderous Roman fish with muscley hands and a toga. See above.
  • THE LESSER OF TWO EAGLES—Couldn't get the good eagle, had to get the shit one. Carries picture of brother the Neccesary Eagle. Killed by Carp. A. Diem.
  • MIKE BISON—Mike Bison's gonna Punch Out. Double-KO'd with Dolphin Lundgren by Mahammut Kali
  • DOLPHIN LUNDGREN—A dolphin trained to kill by soviet hairdressers. See above
  • BIGUANA—A really BIG iguana. Seriously. He’s quite big. Ate Angsteater, then kicked to death by Mahammut Kali
  • JOHN KRAKENROE—A furious tennis-playing squid. YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS! Ripped apart by Diet Croak
  • COMMODORE DISASTER with GEKKO—A dollar-store Major Failure and his creepy lizard pet. Final KO: Crushed to death when Muhammut Kali sat on them
  • A TOTALLY RADICAL CAT WITH ONE LEG—ON A SKATEBOARD First KO: Killed itself by drinking the Frog Piss.
  • Curb Stomp Battle: The Losers' League competitors destroy them when they attempt to attack.
  • Disc One Final Boss: They were set up as the main competitor to Zoofights earlier on, and the end of the first round hinted that they would soon play a major role in the story. The Zoofighters of the Royal Rumble demolished them with ease.


Zoofights Staff

Major Failure

The big boss, the one behind it all. Sometimes referred to as "The Major" or "The Good Major". His roleplay persona of choice is Major Failure – an ex-military man with vast wealth who forces animals to brawl for his and others’ amusement. He also posted occasionally as Al Swearengen in Zoofights 3.

  • Blatant Lies: Every tournament Major Failure assures the audience that nothing will go wrong this year. And every year he's wrong. He was especially insistant about it in Zoofights IV, a year when three competitors became Eldritch Abominations.

Gravitas Shortfall

A close friend of Major Failure in Real Life, Gravitas Shortfall tends to assume a second-in-command role. When roleplaying, Gravitas Shortfall acts as the computer system of the complex the tournament is taking place in. He also takes over Zoofights when Major Failure is unable to post for whatever reason (broken computer, lost internet connection, getting married, etc)

Spoonsy and Akumu

These two are the main driving force behind the Loser's League from Zoofights 3 onward. Neither roleplays often, but both are involved in everyday contest proceedings and could be seen as the next step down from Gravitas Shortfall.


Notable Role Players

Lily Limbcake (played by Desumaytah)

A very naive child who morphed into an Eldritch Abomination as Zoofights III went on.

Gezora (played by MrGreenShirt)

Gezora is a giant Toku squid who tends bar, occasionally with Al Swearengen.

H.H. Johnson (played by Blurry Gray Thing)

An alien private eye with the ability to shapeshift. H.H. Johnson shows up towards the end of Zoofights 4 to expose Seanet's dark agenda and attempt to put a stop to it. His lines are entries from his journal, in a manner similar to Lily Limbcake. He reappears in Zoofights 5, initially disguised as "Herb from the Wasteland", but eventually grows tired of hiding himself and assumes his true form – a white, humanoid creature resembling an anthropomorphic amoeba. In this arc he still has journal entries but also posts "normally".

"I am Agent Johnson, a representative of, let us say, a covert branch of the United States Fish and Wildlife service, here with the full cooperation of the British government."


Dr. Hanz (played by The Porp)

A Nazi with an accordion for a head, or maybe a Nazi accordion. One of the few audience members to directly influence a tournament match, Doktor Hans' timely use of his Gorillion Dollars (a bonus vote worth 15 normal votes) was essential for The Seal of Disapproval to defeat The Snapture.

  • Spanner in the Works: Major Failure said later that there were big plans for The Snapture, but they had to be discarded due to his loss. The climax of Zoofights V, initially planned to center around The Snapture, wound up becoming focused on Croctopus instead.
  • The Gambling Addict
  • Those Wacky Nazis

The Jukebox (played by Bassetking)

A sapient jukebox with a knack for parody songs.

Sintendo Powerglove (played by ZeeToo)

Notable in that as of the start of Round 2 it has lost nearly every single time in ZF6.

SEGA Activator (played by Asator)

As Powerglove's commercial and spiritual nemesis it has won nearly every single time just because it votes against Powerglove (aside from the time they both voted for Achilles' Eel).

Dr. Robotnik and Matthew Lesko

What started as a simple, amusing rivalry escalated into sheer mayhem when Lesko won all seven Chaos Emeralds off of Dr. Robotnik by continually betting against him. He eventually became Super Lesko, and the two held an exhibition fight during Major Failure's real-life honeymoon to both settle things and provide entertainment while the main tournament was on hold.

  • Chekhov's Gun: The Smash Ball and the Lesko statue.
  • Evil Knockoff: Metal Lesko.
  • Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain: Robotnik, who is fully in-character as he throws a fit every time he loses a Chao Emerald in a bet. His journal entries leading up to the fight with Lesko paint an incredibly heroic and sympathetic picture.
  • Mecha-Mooks: Robotnik’s army of Eggrobos.
  • Super-Powered Evil Side: Lesko turns nasty when he gets all the emeralds.
  • Villainous Rescue: Robotnik defeats Lesko, blowing up his own Death Egg in the process and saving the world from a salesman with the powers of a god.
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