The Universal Genre Savvy Guide

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    /wiki/The Universal Genre Savvy Guidework
    "Isaac Clarke is basically the character who does everything we keep yelling at people in horror films to do. He has a suit of armor that he never takes off, he uses convenient high-powered cutting tools to carve his initials into slime monsters, and he never speaks, because he knows his dialogue would have to come from the same God-awful script that all the other sods are using."

    Why should the Evil Overlord have all the Genre Savvy knowledge? Anyone can know what to do, depending on what kind of fiction they are in, and what kind of character they are.

    Read these lists, and you'll be Dangerously Genre Savvy. Fail to read them, and your Genre Blindness will condemn you to pick up any Idiot Ball you see, perhaps even become Too Dumb to Live. Just make sure you read the right list. As a note, any one of these might count just as well for another kind of story (For example, Caveat Emptor when entering The Little Shop That Wasn't There Yesterday is a given in both a transformation comic and a horror story.) but it's your choice how much of each genre you decide to be savvy about in any given moment.

    Please feel free to add any tips you have in the relevant sections.


    Villain or Antagonist[edit | hide | hide all]

    The Heroes and Good Guys[edit | hide]

    • If you are the Hero, refer to this list.
    • If you expect to fight an evil overlord, also refer to this list.
    • It you are the Beautiful Princess, refer to this list.
    • If you are a Rogue on the side of good, refer to this list. If you are a Rogue on the side of good of the female persuasion, take the first list into account and add this one to it.
    • Instead of a twee little monkey or ferret or the like, my familiar will be a venomous snake or something similarly capable of defending itself. Bonus points if the pet triggers a phobia in the villain.
    • Anyone who talks about their sword being thirsty is irredeemably evil. It's an even worse sign if the sword actually IS thirsty.
    • If my liege begins acting strangely, especially if his eyes or appearance look suspicious, I will draw appropriate conclusions.
    • If my strength is as the strength of 10 because my heart is pure, I will not pick a fight when there're 11 bad guys.
    • Before carrying out any ritual to increase my power, I will read up on any psychoactive effects the ritual may have, and take appropriate medication.
    • If I suddenly realize that the Big Bad's evil plan may have a completely different goal than the one I've been assuming, I will not think about it for a week while muttering "it couldn't be!" to myself. Instead, I will tell someone.
    • If I am a CEO business woman who disguises herself as a idol singer, I try to tell my boyfriend about my secret identity as soon possible.
    • I will not assume that the villains plans on whom they will attack all revolve around me. Whether its my friends and family to even some innocent nameless villagers, Villains are generally not picky on whom they want to do bad things to.
    • My allies and I will decide in advance who will be saved if any of us has to make a Sadistic Choice or "Friend or Idol?" Decision.
    • If the conflict I am fighting in obeys some ancient traditions, I will not break them to get an advantage. That is villain territory. And breaking them first means Karmic Backslash at its finest.
    • If you are the Sidekick, refer to this list.
    • If you are the Love Interest, refer to this list.
      • The Hero is only dead when I have personally identified the body and checked it for vital signs.
      • Even after thus ensuring it, I will not make any drastic decisions immediately. Particularly not that I should marry the Evil Overlord at once to save my people, but any decision is best made when I am not distraught.
      • If I become a hero, my loved ones have no plot immunity whatsoever, they are in potential of danger just because I am the hero. I will not use a secret identity to protect my loved ones but secret identities don't work that way. However when I plan to ensure my loved ones safety I will do it in the mindset that they will be in potential danger no matter what.
      • I will not delude myself that my romance with the local Chivalrous Pervert or Casanova actually means anything, nor will I attempt to make our relationship long-term, knowing that if I did, I would wind up dumped, dead in order to give him angst, or he would suffer Badass Decay.
      • If, at any point, I am looking for the hero (or any character, for that matter) with a friend and find myself in a giant empty space (field, cave, big room ect.) I shall search the space nearby before leaving. If the friend says "There's nothing here, let's go back," I shall walk forward a few inches - Chances are, the hero's right in front of me and is merely invisible, trapped, etc.
      • No matter how infuriating my hero may be I will wait until after we save the world to tell him off. Especially if there is a countdown going on.
      • No matter what the provocation I will never incapacitate my hero with a punch, kick or blunt object as it is certain he will be needed urgently immediately afterwards.
      • I will establish a friendly 'may the best woman win' relationship with the secondary love interest. Not only will this please my hero, it will save me from agonies of remorse when she bites it - as she will.
      • If I am the secondary love interest I will remember that there are plenty more fish in the sea, such as the dark and troubled Lancer; the cute funny Sidekick; my hero's Evil Twin (clearly in desperate need of the love of a good woman) and the Evil Overlord himself (I mean women like bad boys don't they?) and not do anything foolish.
      • I will never wear a leather catsuit. A nice jersey knit is just as sexy and allows for greater freedom of movement.
      • I will never wear a tall pointy hat with floaty veils just on general principles.
      • If I receive a phone call from the hero requesting I meet him at some strange and threatening place I will ring back to make sure it's really him.
      • I will never go anywhere unarmed or without backup. And I will always tell at least three different people where I am going and when I intend to return.
        • Unless my only choices are suspected to be The Mole. Even then, I will try judicious Feed the Mole to flush them out before they are my only choice.
      • If my super power is something unoffensive, I will take various martial arts classes AND will learn how to play a physical sport like Rugby. If I am unable to do those things, I will invest the time and the money to get a gun and learn how to use it.
      • If I am the primary love interest, I will not wait to tell the Hero about my feelings A) Just before we're about to go fight the Evil Overlord, B) When one of us is dying, or C) When telling the Hero will distract him and put us in great danger. Instead, the first moment I have, I will sit down with the Hero, make him talk about my feelings, and go from there. If he accepts them, then we'll start in on a casual, slow-paced relationship that can speed up AFTER our journey to save the world is done. If he rejects me, I will no go join the villain. I will instead accept this and continue to support him on our journey, for you never know when rejection is just the Hero's way of trying to protect you.
        • I will not pick inappropriate moments to have a whispered argument with the hero about all the reasons I broke up with him the last time we were together. Such moments might be when we're casing the Evil Overlord's joint or trying to get past the sleeping giant.
          • Neither will I insist the hero gives me one last kiss before he goes. There's plenty of time for loving when he comes back safe.
      • I will cut my hair short so it will not get in the way, or provide a handle for kidnappers to grab, if I cannot cut it for some reason, I will habitually wear it in a tight bun, and always carry extra ribbons, elastic bands, or what have you in case it comes undone. The Hero is, or should be, in love with me, not my long flowing tresses. Also, if I am attempting to remain unseen I will not wear anything brightly coloured or sparkly in my hair as that is generally detrimental to stealth.
    • If you are none of those, refer to this very page.
      • The "When I Am The Benevolent Ruler" list begins with, "As a general rule, I will remember that I am not the Evil Overlord, and should avoid doing things that confuse people on this point."
        • Something about this list makes this troper feel like it was written by Lord Vetinari, particularly lines like "The Evil Overlord kills for fun and profit. The Good Overlord kills for the good of his nation".
        • I will try to be as Lawful Good as possible and to be a Reasonable Authority Figure. Being Lawful Evil is obviously out of the question but it would most likely do me some good that I not become Lawful Neutral either. (In other words, don't assume that doing whats Lawful and doing whats right are always the same.) If my lands legal rules are forcing the people who serve me to say Screw The Rules, I'm Doing What's Right, then there is a very strong chance that something is wrong.
          • Besides one other advantage to being a Reasonable Authority Figure is that if you do a good enough job at it even IF you have to deny the heroes for requesting your aid there is actually a good chance you WON'T be made out to look like a bad guy. (But you should still be careful about it as one showing of a bad timely opposition can go horribly wrong.)
        • One point was Double Subverted over the course of two seperate E. Nesbit stories. In one, the King and Queen vow to invite everyone to their daughter's christening, but the evil fairy's invitation gets lost in the mail, and she crashes the party and curses the girl. In another, they invite no fairies, only for them to show up anyway. The evil fairy, the same one as before, curses the girl, and the next one steps up, and the king actually puts his hand over his mouth and convinces the assembled fairies they'll go out like a candle if they break the tradition of one curse per christening. They all leave.[1]
      • Make sure you correctly determine where you stand on the Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism. Generally, if people are Dying Like Animals, you're on the cynical end, and should be quite careful. If people rarely, if ever, die, you're on the idealistic end, and can take it easy: Unless you're a completely nameless Red Shirt, you're immortal and will win no matter what.
      • If you are a Red Shirt, you're screwed. There are a few ways to maximize your lousy chances of survival. Try to avoid going on away missions with The Hero and his band. Also try striking a working dynamic with another Red Shirt to become Those Two Guys. Last but not least, try to get some engaging and sympathetic character development and don't wear a face concealing helmet unless you're in a warzone. With luck, you might become a Mauve Shirt.
    • If I am in charge of a robotics corporation, all robots with be programmed with the philosophical mindsets of Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. That way, when the inevitable Robot Rebellion comes, it will be non-violent.
    • If I truly must be a Celibate Hero, I will try to be fairly knowledgeable about all the folks whom I work with (all the good main/side characters). If any of them might have a thing for me, I will try to be civil about it and if I must I will let them down gently. (But definitely keep friendship as an option if necessary.) I will not flat out ignore them (especially if they are generally respectable people.) Because fans and the like are more forgiving towards Celibate heroes if they aren't being used as a plot device to keep other characters in a perpetually unrequited romance just for the sake of one.
    • If I come to my trusted uncle with some great secret that I haven't told to anybody, and he asks me: "Have You Told Anyone Else??" I will reply "Yes," and proceed to list off the names of everyone else I trust. On the off chance that he was the one responsible for the secret in question and is trying to eliminate witnesses, he will have to choose between simply letting me go or hunting down everybody else on my list.
    • If possible; my team will consist only of mature, well-adjusted adults as emotionally unstable teenagers are all too easily lured to the dark side. If having an emotionally unstable teenager on my team is unavoidable, he will be encouraged to come straight to me with whatever is troubling him, I will do my best to help rather than dismissing his fears and he will under no circumstances be allowed to spend any time alone with some creepy old guy.


    Other Characters[edit | hide]

    • Use this list if you are an Innocent Bystander.
      • If I am a shopkeeper, and the village I live in is about to be destroyed by The Legions of Hell, I will give the hero my best equipment for free, or at least offer him credit.
      • If I am driving, and a high-speed police chase/illegal street race is approaching, I will pull over and let it past, rather than dawdle in the middle lane and end up plastered over the bonnet of one of the racers.
      • If I am a pushcart vendor, I will not work in any city with resident superheroes or other action heroes. If such a hero emerges where I live and I am unable to relocate to another city, I will avoid working busy downtown neighbourhoods at peak periods, and make sure my cart and goods are insured for as much as I can afford.
    • The If I Am Ever Head of an Alien Monitoring Agency list contains much of value for all big shadow orginisations, no matter who they deal with or which side of the pro/an-tagonist line they fall.
    • If I see an older guy with a full beard, I will not cross him, and he can probably be trusted. This goes double if his beard is long and white, and triple if he also has little to no hair anywhere else on his head. However, I will not grow too attached to him, as he probably won't survive until the end of the film.
      • Aside from the previous case, if I am in a martial arts film and I see anybody with any other form of facial hair, I will run far, far away from them.
    • If I encounter anyone with a name consisting of a single letter I will understand that they are not to be trifled with.
    • If I am a member of a conspiracy whose leader and other members then attempt to pressure me into some outright evil or traitorous action that I refuse to participate in, I will go along with it until my movement is no longer significantly constrained by said conspiracy before making my courageous moral declaration. Ideally, I will act nice and eager until left alone, then quickly scurry off and warn whoever they're conspiring against.


    Ridiculously Human Robots[edit | hide]


    Revenge Seekers[edit | hide]

    • Make sure you are actually hunting the right person or group of people from the start. This may sound like a no-brainer, but it cannot be stressed enough because 1) few things are more likely to make you look like an idiot than chasing after Red Herrings and 2) killing an innocent person by mistake is not something you want on your conscience for the rest of your natural life.
    • Reserve your wrath for those who truly deserve it, do not waste time and effort on small potatoes. Seriously, if you insist on hunting down and smiting every random asshole who has ever cut you off in traffic, flipped you the bird, or posted a rude comment on your Facebook page, you will have little if any time leftover to eat, sleep, or do anything constructive with your life.
    • I will never commit revenge by proxy. Killing the children of my enemies will doubtless damage my chances of getting out of this thing alive.


    Young Conqueror[edit | hide]

    • I will read the Benevolent Ruler guide. Even if I'm not ruling anything now, it'll be useful once I take control of the world.
    • I will read from the Evil Overlord List as well. While I'm not evil, we often both have the same goal, and therefore at least some of it will be applicable to me.
    • I am taking taking over the world (or country, galaxy, etc.) because I feel that's what needs to be done to bring about justice. Thus, I will not follow the example of Alexander the Great and pillage, rape, and burn everything I come across. I'm trying to make things better, not worse.
    • If a group of 4 or 5 heroes can topple an empire, a group of 4 or 5 heroes led by me can do the same thing. This will not only save me the trouble of gathering massive amounts of resources and putting countless lives at risk by making an army, it should be much easier to manage them.
      • I will also remember they can do the same to my empire as well. I will take the necessary precautions.
    • While I'll likely be the one who actually rules the world, if I find someone better qualified the me, I will at least consider letting them rule in my place.
    • If I exist in a fictional universe (like one in a fantasy genre), I can probably continue my conquests without much worry. If I live in a more realistic setting (like Earth), I need to be extremely careful. Even if I'm not a Christian, I'm not going to do well if I end looking like (or actually being) the Antichrist.


    The Mole[edit | hide]

    • When given a mission to infiltrate the enemy, I will first consider the strength of my loyalty to my employer. If I feel that it would waver given sufficient time, I will request a different mission.
    • When spending time in enemy territory, I will do everything in my power to prevent a possible romance between me and another "team member." Even if I am cruel, breaking someone's heart may come back to bite me on the rear later.
    • As an alternative to the above rules, I will pull a Heel Face Turn (if I'm on the Big Bad's side) and provide my new allies with vital information. Heroes DO have an odd tendency at winning against ridiculous odds.


    List By Setting[edit | hide]

    Anime[edit | hide]

    • For general heroes.
    • For general villains.
    • Tips for a Magical Girl.
    • If I have any kind of Transformation Sequence, be it Magical Girl, Super Sentai, or some other form of Henshin Hero; Combining Mecha, putting on Powered Armor, or activation some other large-scale device; One-Winged Angel; or digivolving; and it is anything less than instantaneous, I will absolutely make certain I have some sort of protection while it plays out. Nothing's more embarrassing than getting blasted by a Genre Savvy opponent before you're ready. Alternatively, I'll transform before I confront them.
    • If my powers rely on Activation Phrases and Magical Incantations, I will keep them as short as possible, with one or two words being the absolute max. Better yet, I will find ways to use my powers without needing to speak at all; nothing is more humiliating than having your entire arsenal rendered useless by a silencing spell, voice stealing power, or any other Phlebotinum that a Genre Savvy villain can use to take away your ability to speak the words.
    • Tips for Humongous Mecha pilots.
    • If you are none of those, refer to this very page.
      • I will keep a pack of Shinto Charms on me at all times. If a minor demon manifests or possesses someone, this is the most effective way to ward them off.
      • If I am calling my attacks, the best time to do so is during said attacks, rather than leaving myself wide open before them.
        • If I have to call my attacks before I execute them, the names will be short and misleading. For example, a whirling kick that generates a gust of wind? "Knuckle spark".
        • If possible, all of my attacks will have the same name. That way, no one knows if I'm going to merely throw a fireball or nuke the place to oblivion.
        • If possible, just don't call your attacks at all.
      • Before piloting any Humongous Mecha or other combat vehicle, I will make sure I know how to evacuate from it, and if possible, how to trigger its self-destruct mechanism to keep the technology out of enemy hands once all personnel have escaped.
      • I will never be the first one to join a fight. That's the hero's job.
      • If it's really important that my allies accomplish something, I'll pretend it's impossible, then act surprised when they do it.
      • If I am a young man and twenty girls fall in love with me out of the blue, I will under no circumstances encourage them. When they're not feuding over me, they'll be smacking me upside the head for noticing the others. Unless you ladies can be civil about this, I think we should see other people.
      • If I am not The Hero in a Shonen anime, but am a good guy, I will not, I repeat, not, attempt to fight the Big Bad. Instead, I will encourage and/or train The Hero to this end.
      • If I am a mentor whose student has gone evil, I will not engage him myself, nor will I say anything to the effect of "I'm the only one who can stop him". Such a fight will definitely end in my death. Even if the school's honor is more important, having a more loyal student beat him later still counts as a victory for the team. If this demotes the traitor from an apprentice who outgrew his master to a random bad apple who was given a chance, but didn't see the light—so much better.
        • Also, while training my students, I will make sure none of them are stronger than me. If one is, I will make sure to know his weaknesses—this will be priceless in case he decides to switch teams.
      • I will force the opponent to begin a long monologue about his place in life, his feelings, dreams, hopes, etc. When he is distracted, that is when I will attack.
      • I will by no means have any sort of flashback in the middle of a life-or-death battle. If I do, I may as well kiss my rear end goodbye.
      • I will let the Hot-Blooded guy be the hero. Always, without exception or exemption.
      • If my team runs a combining mecha and the villains repeatedly prevent it from combining by keeping one of my team members occupied, I'll train a backup pilot for use in such situations. More than one if I can.
      • I will refrain from mentioning my fatalism, nihilism or Ubermensch-complex to the hero. He will teach me a lesson about his philosophy and that lesson will be painful.
        • If possible, I will acquire a working knowledge of philosophy and after the hero states his beliefs, I will destroy them intellectually, gaining the audience's sympathy.
        • I will keep in mind that this usually backfires horribly in certain types of anime. Effort will be put into finding out where this series lands on the Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism
      • Should I somehow gain dark powers, I will use them only as a last resort to prevent either loss of sanity or else fueling my Super-Powered Evil Side.
      • I will establish whether or not my attacks can hurt the villain. If so, I will ignore the Hero's "I have to do this alone" speech, gather everyone else whose attacks can also hurt the villain, and we'll all gang up on him. If not, I will politely bow out and see if there is something I can sabotage.
      • If I am a Well-Intentioned Extremist, I will remember to apply extreme measures only after normal measures failed to work. Trying to steal something and then finding out I could have just asked for it, for instance, makes me look stupid and unreasonable.
      • If I find a naked girl in the middle of nowhere, I will kill her, right then and there. Or run away fast and far, and never return. She is obviously the harbinger of destruction, and it will be easier to do it before I fall in love with her.
      • I will use my most powerful attack at the beginning of the battle. Repeatedly.
        • In the event that my most powerful attack kills me, I will trap the enemy to ensure that they die as well. This includes restraining them, removing any magical jewelry, and generally ensuring that no Deus Ex Machina happens.
      • I will not assume that the guy who can't use magic is a weakling. He can probably still kick my ass six ways from Sunday.
      • I will not judge people by appearance. Yes, my opponent looks ridiculous, but he can probably kill me without much thought. This holds particularly true if I am in One Piece.
      • The instant I realize that the Super Prototype can win a battle in only a few seconds, I will call up the heads of state and get them working on having it mass-produced.
        • I will, however, make sure that each replica is an exact copy, and is not inexplicably weaker. Cutting the corners on army contracts is known at least since the time of Xerxes, so dying for lack of a working acceptance board would be embarrassing. If necessary, a solution to this problem may also be borrowed from Xerxes.
      • During the Tournament Arc:
        • I will refrain from stating that I was saving my super attack for the finals unless I am actually in the finals.
        • I will not cheat unless I'm on the team that features The Hero. If I'm on any other team, we will not only be mercilessly beaten, but we will be exposed as cheats.
        • I will avoid actions that make me a Complete Monster. I want to survive past this Tournament Arc, so I will avoid that. If possible, I will inform The Hero as to the weaknesses of the Big Bad.
    • If I live in a universe with Power Levels, I will attempt to discern if the scale is linear, logorithmic, or exponential. Under no circumstances will I attempt to solo an opponent who is a level or higher above me. Whether I try a group attack or retreat depends on the answer to the previous question.
    • If I am minding my own business, and suddenly a hot member of the opposite sex or cute little critter comes along and offers me the chance to do something really cool (such as pilot a giant robot, become a magical girl, or travel to another world), I will make damn sure the setting is not a Deconstruction before I accept.
    • If I am ever in a Mons setting, especially if I am among the main cast, I will learn about any form of combat or Mons neutralization that is not dependent on Mons and train myself in it immediately. No matter how skilled I am at commanding Mons, I will invariably be separated from my team and attacked or otherwise put in peril without them, and waiting for them to save my hide is asking for trouble. If my enemy is on the same level of pragmatism as Cipher, I will take extra lessons and expect to be attacked in these circumstances.
      • Likewise, I will train my Mons to fight or command others without me for the same reason stated above. Whoever separated them from me is most likely out to control them for their own ends, and they should be inconvenienced or thwarted as thoroughly as possible.
    • If I am in a sports anime, I will not give up. Period. Even if every joint in my body aches and I can barely stand up. The Hot-Blooded Determinator always wins.


    If I am the lead...[edit | hide]

    • I will keep my hands in my pockets at all times around women. Failure to do so can have unfortunate consequences.
    • I will memorize a large list of Innocent Innuendo and avoid using any of it, especially when talking to my female costars.
    • I will stay away from the hot spring, especially if it is clothing optional. This goes double for communual baths. My bath will be in a separate room only accessible from my own bedroom, which I will keep locked whenever I am not there.
      • If avoiding the baths is impossible, I will invest in a check-in sheet for the door, so that I do not end up entering while someone of the opposite gender is inside.
        • Even with that precaution in place, I will make sure to knock and ask if someone is inside at least three times before actually entering. Loudly slamming the door is a good idea, too.
    • As mentioned above, I will not encourage the advances of the girls. I will tell them at the first possible opportunity that I am not looking for a relationship. My door will have a sign on it that says "Nope, still not interested." It would be prudent of me to already have a girlfriend who is not a member of the harem and to inform the harem about her. If necessary, she will be from Canada. Wearing a fake engagement ring might help as well.
    • Before committing to any one girl (if that's even necessary), be sure to have sufficient knowledge of all the girls in the harem and sort out any problems, psychosis, etc. they might have. While this can and will be difficult with other girls being jealous of your attention giving and may end up making said girl harder to get rid of from the harem, the last thing you need is a Yandere at your neck.
    • I will never allow my friends to convince me to peek in girls bath, changing room, or anything similar to those examples.
      • If they go on without me, I will not try to stop them. Chances are good I will get caught while they get away. Instead I will tell either an adult or one of the girls. (But not the Cute Psycho. Screams of Agony make a poor lullaby)
    • Should I have an attractive younger or older sister or female cousin that I have a very close relationship with, I will make sure to introduce her to all of the girls attracted to me as soon as possible to avoid confusion.
    • If I hear someone scream in another room, I will shout "What's wrong?" and wait for a response before entering the room.
    • I will make it clear that I do not intend to accept physical abuse from anyone, regardless of my gender. Anyone trying to hit me will be stopped. If I am unable to stop the attack, I will either counter to the best of my ability or else try to get whatever authorities are appropriate to deal with the situation.
    • At no point will I use the word "love" towards someone unless I seriously mean it. Above all, I will never say "I love you/her...as a friend." It never helps.
    • Upon discovering I have a harem, I will go over each member in my head. If there are one or more members I feel I would never choose over the others, I will be sure to tell them I'm not interested. Otherwise, things get needlessly complicated.
    • To be truly Dangerously Genre Savvy, grow a spine and then deliberately break most or all above rules. Play those girls for all it's worth, because you may never have another chance like it.
      • I will make sure that no lasting harm will come of this. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, no matter what its nature, is no excuse to be reckless.
        • The only 'lasting harm' is regret for missed opportunities. No one is as fragile as you think, not even you, so you might as well experience.
      • Caveat: most of the above advice is intended to avoid serious injuries delivered by pissed-off girls. Taking advantage of the situation has been known to result in an instant Karmic Death.
      • If I have a potential love interest but if I find out that there is someone else who has known him/her well and cared for them since childhood and is quite possibly in love with them (even if they won't admit it at first) I will back off and not be a potential threat to their lovelife ESPECIALLY if that potential love interest still genuinely cares for that person. (In fact if possible I might even try to see if I can play match-maker with them but that's optional.) Because even if I do make that other person an Unlucky Childhood Friend there is a very good chance that the fanbase will (to put it mildly) definitely want to take their side (and its often rather justified). However that's only if that person is genuinely good; if s/he would deserve to be an Unlucky Childhood Friend then its no problem then.
        • This policy may be modified if they faced a long separation and seeing each other for the first time several months after I met my love interest. In that case I still stand a chance. Naturally, I will still be as nice as possible, but I may use this opportunity to act conspicuously insecure somewhere my love interest can see me.
      • If I am trying to be a Victorious Childhood Friend I will persevere but do it in the friendliest way possible, while it is true that if I do end up to be an Unlucky Childhood Friend I will most likely appear to be quite sympathetic. (However I should be really careful and try not to take a level in Jerkass; otherwise that would make any sympathy go away.) But if I can't avoid being an Unlucky Childhood Friend, and if I have a choice in either I Want My Beloved to Be Happy or Took a Level in Jerkass, I will definitely choose the former.
        • For that matter, if I find myself having romantic feelings and/or attraction to my childhood friend, I WILL TELL THEM as soon as I figure it out. If I wait until after the crazy stuff has started or someone else starts to show an interest in them, it's probably too late.

    If I am a love interest...[edit | hide]

    • I will not be a Tsundere if I can help it. It can be needlessly confusing and any lead worth their harem would stay away from the Mood Swinger.
      • If I must be a tsundere, I will be a Type B.
    • I will also not be a Yandere. See bullet 1. Also, do I really want to be known as "The Crazy One?"
    • I will befriend the other members of the harem. First, it's good to know the competition. Second, a friendly harem is less likely to Murder the Hypotenuse and more likely to end on relatively good terms.
    • If I happen to be female, the doors to the bathroom and my room will be sturdy and have locks, my clothes will be durable and able to withstand a strong tug without falling apart, and any diaries/embarrassing pictures/other such items will be either disposed of by burning or kept in a safe inside a locked closet at all times.
      • I will not immediately attack the lead if I catch them doing something that's possibly perverted. Instead, I will calm down and listen to what they have to say. Unless they are known for being a Handsome Lech, they probably ARE telling the truth, as farfetched as it may seem. And sometimes, even the lech is being honest.
    • Unless I am sparring with them, I resist the urge to attack the lead with the exception of the occasional Dope Slap or Bright Slap. By attacking them, I have given them the right to retaliate, female or not. Also, I have given the rest of the harem reason to attack me as well.
    • If I am the Broken Bird in the harem or Troubled but Cute, I will remember that unless the lead is explicitly the cause of my emotional problems, they are not responsible for my emotional problems and thus resist dumping or projecting them on to them.
    • If I am the Cute Psycho in the harem, I will try to quell my psycho urges. Most leads will put up with a cute psycho so long as they are more cute than psycho.
    • If I genuinely expect the lead to become my lover, I WILL tell the lead that I LIKE THEM. I will do this as soon as I personally figure it out. I will say it in ways they understand and as long and as often as it takes for them to get it or until they tell me to shut up.
    • If the lead tells me "No, I don't want to go out with you," I will neither Murder the Hypotenuse nor the lead. Instead, I will smile, say "Thank you" and leave with as much dignity as I can muster. This has a two-fold benefit: 1)the lead will be more likely to remember me fondly which will help my chances should I decide to try again much later; 2)this will likely impress the lead's attractive friends, at least one of whom may consider dating me.
    • I will keep an eye on the lead's attractive friends. If they can have choices, so can I. Fair's fair.
    • If I can see that the lead genuinely cares about me and the other girls in the harem, and isn’t able to choose between us, I will consider Marry Them All solution. This will spare us trouble with a Love Dodecahedron and prevent Ship-to-Ship Combat from destroying the fandom.


    Gaming Comics[edit | hide]


    Furry Comic[edit | hide]


    Transformation Comics[edit | hide]

    • I will avoid the following known catalysts for bizarre transformations and/or magical powers if I want to stay a normal human:
      • Crossdressing. It may become permanent. Not that the costume will be unremovable, but it will turn you into a girl. Too many Deviant ART examples to list.
      • Weird blobs of latex. Also too many deviantart examples to list.
      • Strange chemicals and substances. Specifically, do not ingest, sniff, or otherwise use as recreational drug.
        • I will never drink anything glowing faintly green, fizzling, randomly hidden in a strange lab's fridge, or that that friend of mine gives to me while smirking.
        • I will never inject myself with anything with a DNA symbol, the letters DNA on it, the Mega Corp label, or anything that vaguely hints at the word Phlebotinum or MacGuffin.
        • I won't even go near them to be accidentally poked. Any needles or syringes shall be viewed as safely away as possible—preferably through a telescope. Just to be on the safe side, glass containers should be expected to be shattered by any mishap around them.
      • Strange gems.
      • I will never handle any magical artifacts with animal motifs without gloves. Or better yet, tongs.
        • Having my spunky and/or sarcastic female sidekick handle them might work, though.
      • Strange costumes.
      • TF guns.
      • Misogyny around women. Not so much a physical catalyst, but a karmic one known to cause genderbending. There's an entry on it below.
      • Any locations with the word "Wolf" on any language in the name. There be werewolves. In any other medium there will be either werewolves or dangerously competent local warlords, if at all possible—so, not worth sightseeing either way.
      • The Little Shop That Wasn't There Yesterday. Actually, this applies to any medium. Aside from not entering, don't buy stuff there. It's nonrefundable and may come with... added difficulties.
      • A family member's lab, if they are a geneticist of some kind. If unavoidable, follow said relative at all time and do not touch anything if not wearing thick gloves.
      • I'm aware that you may be into some of this stuff and want it to happen to you, but that just increases the possibility of an incoming partial to total mindwipe or that you may be in a Genre Deconstruction. The risks sort of outweigh the benefits.
    • If I am a guy, I must remember that Mandys Law of Anime Gender Bending is pointing directly at my manhood like a howitzer at all times. Thus, I have to get proactive with one of these options:
    • If I have a name that can be easily turned into a female name (Chris -> Christina, Nick -> Nikki, Tony -> Toni, etc) I will not act too surprised when I just happen to be the random person that gets gender-swapped. Names that are hard to feminize (Bob, Steve, David, etc) rarely get their owners zapped. (Aka The Whateley Rule of TG Protagonist Names.)
      • Likewise, if I have a name or nickname mentioning an animal, I will not be surprised if random DNA of that particular animal ends up in my bloodstream.
      • Ditto if I notice the mysterious new transfer student with a moon or animal based name or family name appears at the same time people start seeing monsters around town. One would think a family of werewolves would be more discreet than name their daughter Luna, but, there ya are.
    • I will not piss off any young girls or old women with magic wands. Especially if they have red hair. However, If I'm feeling adventurous, befriending them is an option.
    • If I'm a guy and offered magical powers, I shall make sure they're not talking about magical girl powers. (Unless I am willing to accept the transformation.)
      • Given the difficulties your average hero faces in regards to his secret identity, my powers being linked to a total appearance change could be a boon to my heroics!
    • I will remember that gender equality has made great advances in recent decades. Becoming a girl does not mean I have to go look for a frilly pink dress. In all likelihood, I can just keep going like nothing's changed.
    • If I happen to see a freak in a lab coat, I will make sure to have as many witnesses around me as possible, and/or deck him the second an opportunity presents itself. The beatings shall continue until good intentions are confirmed.
    • If I happen to see a half-human creature, I will stop and think:
    • If my best friend acts suspiciously and werefolk exist on this world, I will hold any unfair prejudices against my friend - he or she could have turned against me long ago.
    • If ever any animal - even a bug - bites me, I will get it properly checked out by someone who knows what they are doing. I won't just shrug it off thinking that if I ignore it that it will go away.


    War Movie[edit | hide]

    Webcomics[edit | hide]

    • If bizarre stuff starts happening around a person or place, stay as far away as possible.
      • If said bizarre stuff happens to me, get used to it—it's not gonna stop.
      • Since everyone gets into weird situations sooner or later, I'll get my weirdness in early when it's mostly beneficial, as opposed to the traumatic kind you get after the plot sets in.
    • Everything even slightly mythical exists, plus a lot of stuff you've never heard of.
    • Don't tick off smart people. More often than not, they'll create an elaborate plan to defeat me, or will pull out their ball lightning gun
      • (Or they'll have magic powers, but ticking off wizards is stupid in any medium.)
    • If anyone looks like a black mage, I will leave the universe.
      • Unless my name is Culex, in which case I will leave the universe if nobody looks like a black mage.
        • Says you. If I'm an ultra-powerful demonic warrior with the power of the four elements at my fingertips, and I am beaten by my opponents, and the consequences are to compliment their ability, give them a valuable treasure and part on amicable terms, I might just want to stay in that kind of universe. It hurts to crumble into dust, you know.
          • That is assuming I can breathe the air.
          • And that whoever sent me to find the Black Mage isn't the kind of guy who would pursue and kill me for skipping out on my mission.
    • If I notice an increasing number of people are, by various means, having suspiciously similar problems, experiences or fetishes and I do not wish to share them, I will move out of town immediately.
      • If you don't have a problem with either said experiences or kinks (depending on what you prefer, personally.) mentioned in the above rule, and you have friends who don't want to share such themselves, do them (and yourself) a favor and let them move elsewhere.
    • If the comic seems lighthearted in tone, work to maintain that. Bizarre, annoying things may happen, but as long as you can avoid Cerebus Syndrome, you're unlikely to actually die or be traumatized.


    Mystery[edit | hide]

    • If I am the Private Detective, I should always assume there's more than meets the eye to my employer until proven otherwise. They may very well be behind some of what's going on...
    • If I believe I am in danger because I have information important to the investigation, I will call the police and tell them over the phone. I will not insist on waiting for them to arrive.
      • But absolutely not from a phone booth.
      • Then I will call everyone else I can think of and tell them as well.
      • And I will make several copies and records of the information I have, hide some of them in secure locations and mail the others out.
      • And I will certainly not go to confront the culprit, alone, without having delivered any helpful information to anybody else. Even if all I witnessed was jaywalking, it's probably key to a vast mystery involving arson and murder that the perp won't hesitate to kill over.
    • If I have committed a serious crime, and the detective says "Just one more thing", I will hold him to that.
      • Unless I have encountered a inquisitive old lady, in which case I will ignore the police (who will be incompetent) and focus on evading her.
        • And if said little old lady was dumb enough to confront me alone and with no witnesses (and I'm absolutely certain she told no one else where she was going), I will just add her to my body count instead of admitting defeat and turning myself in to the police. This will apply to any investigator dumb enough to make those same mistakes. I will only resort to these measures if my previous crime would warrant a life sentence or the death penalty anyway.
    • Before blackmailing a murderer, I will keep in mind that this person has killed his way out of a previous problem.
    • If I hear Jessica Fletcher is going to visit town, I will leave before she arrives.
      • Likewise, if I find myself invited to any function at a country manor in a time-locked inter-war Britain, I will politely decline; someone there is going to be found murdered by the maid.
      • The same applies to Jane Marple, Hercule Poirot, Adrian Monk, and, well, any famous amateur detective.
    • Before doing something that could be incriminating, I will consider the chance it is a trap.
      • If I hear the police are going to search the area where I might have left some evidence, I will weigh the risks of them finding it against the risks they've already found it and are trying to induce me into looking for it.
      • If I have killed somebody and hidden the body, then it looks like the person is still alive, I will not check whether the body is still there. There's nothing to be gained, and it would probably just lead the police to the body.
    • When I arrive in a city and begin setting up my plans for crime, I will first check the Yellow Pages for "Wizards". If I find any, I will call them and act like a potential customer. If they are legit, I will find a new city. Not only will their presence be a detriment to my plans, but the strange occurrances that follow them everywhere - of which Walking Techbane is only the mildest - are likely to turn out as bad for me as they do for them. Not worth the risk.
    • If I am asked questions which imply that I may have killed a loved one, and I didn't, I will suppress my natural indignation as best I can and remain courteous and helpful, including owning up to any affairs I may have been having. The cops have to ask these questions and the smoother the investigation goes, the sooner they will realize my innocence. Being a Jerkass will drastically increase my chances of being Acquitted Too Late.
      • If I did do it, I will still be helpful (too much defensiveness just makes me look guilty) and find someone to frame. I should have done this before the murder, but better late than never.
      • If this is real life, I will get riled up, since the police expect people to get angry when they're suspected of crimes.
    • Never dress up as a ghost or monster—otherwise you might be saying the following to a group of kids and their pal: "You Meddling Kids!"
    • If I am a detective and am interviewing the first suspect I will assume he is innocent.
      • Unless he happens to be the accomplice . Then he will be murdered in a grusome manner.
      • If there is something suspicious about the first suspect he is just covering up an adulterous affair. The first suspect is never the murderer.
      • Rather, the one I start tracking leads on will be the wacky bit character I met at the beginning of the episode. Even if he's unrelated to the case and supposedly several hundred miles away, it's almost always him.
    • If one of the suspects is a beautiful maiden I will assume right away that she is innocent.
      • However if it was a professional job, it is not unknown for a hired killer to be a beautiful woman. If I suspect this, I will assume she is the most most formidable killer I have ever met.
    • If one of the suspects is an old and ugly guy with an unpleasant disposition, he is the murderer.
    • If I am a Kid Detective and my mother is acting odd, she's either pregnant or planning a surprise party, so I won't waste my time when there are real mysteries I could be investigating.
    • I will ignore the biggest and most blatantly Jerkass member of the group of suspects - He is innocent anyway.
    • During interrogation, I will invoke my right to silence and and my right to a attorney regardless of my innocence/guilt.


    Video Games[edit | hide]

    • If I ever meet someone with an odd hair, skin or eye color I will instantly pay attention to them.
      • In the case of a game where murdering significant characters is possible, I will make sure not to kill them.
        • Unless they seem like a villain, then killing is the first option.
        • Or I have effectively completed the game, and am now just having fun. (Also known as the Morrowind Manoeuvre.)
      • If everyone has the same set of faces, the next time I see a face I've never seen before, I will do the above.
      • If the person is a young skinny boy who shows little to no sign of puberty, I will befriend him, especially if his hair is messy/spiky. He's probably the protagonist, and if he isn't, then someone in his party is.
    • I will tell my allies to equip their own friggen armor and weapons.
    • If I can't see someone's face they aren't in my team. Hiding your face is a sign of evil.
      • Unless I already know who they are through a past life/game. cough-Candalore-cough
      • If I outright can't see their heads at all (no character art), I can safely ignore them.
    • If I am part of a stealth game or are otherwise being stealthy, I won't wear my weapons all over my body.
      • I will not wear a hood. Instead I will obtain plastic surgery to give myself an unrecognizable face along with the most common skin, hair, and eye colors.
      • I will hide a freaking knife somewhere on my body. I will use said knife if things get hairy. 0% casualties is a stretch goal.
      • My goal is to avoid detection. I'd rather check the same room twice than face a boss.
      • I will remember that I am not the only agent around; Someone will inevitably betray me. The sooner I start making contingency plans, the better.
      • I will not murder hapless guards because I can. I am not immortal, and facing them all in the afterlife will be so embarrassing.
      • I will not murder hapless guards because it is convenient or easier. It is sloppy, and when I am inevitably betrayed and have to clear my name, redemption is easier when I haven't slit the throat of half the US Army. Even if it's not an issue, it still can make the difference between becoming infamous as romanticized "master sneak" or reviled "that butcher".
      • I will not wear tap shoes.
    • I will always carry as many health potions as physically possible.
      • And ammo.
        • Spell scrolls
        • Mana/Magic potions.
        • Healing food
        • Guns
        • Grenades/Explosion things
      • I will not be too cheap to use them as and when necessary.
      • Alternatively, in the case of limited encumberance, I will carry the most weight-efficient supplies available and leave at least enough room for an unconscious companion.
    • Rather than using my time warping powers to revive myself after death (loading game), I will learn to harness it into time travel and instantly win.
    • If I can level up my magical abilities by using magic, I will constantly use it over and over while doing everything. For example, by setting the same button that makes me walk forward, to "Cast Spell #1".
      • Hooray for Elder Scrolls!
    • I will compulsively reload immediately upon the end of any combat unless this expends the remainder of the clip. Similarly, I will rest/heal/whatever after every combat unless this will demonstrably worsen my situation or I was uninjured and not forced to use any of whatever gives me my fantastic powers.
    • There is no such thing as "enough gun". You always need more.
    • If the commercials have more than their share of Accidental Innuendo, and I don't have any ties to the criminal underworld, I will move away from the city before I get run over by a Drives Like Crazy protagonist or have my property devalued by a septic truck.
    • If I find myself in a Roguelike... no, wait. I'm screwed anyway if that happens, so may as well go on an omnicidal rampage.
      • Contrariwise, said rampage will be tempered by caution. Any monster I have not seen before can potentially end me. Therefore, I will think before attacking. If they turn out to have the armour class of a piA±ata, I shall practice upon them as if they were filled with gold coins. Because, perhaps, they are.
      • Bad weapons are better than no weapons. I shall remember that "Weapon proficiency (Stick)" also covers quarterstaves.
      • I will remember that any entity that starts walking towards me is bad news.
      • I shall not slaughter innocent NPCs unless I'm sure I can get A) away with it; B) something out of it; C) both.
      • Quests are only as useful as the loot the quest-giving NPCs gift me with. If the quest is near-impossible, I shall not accept it.
      • Artifacts are worth any price... except my life.
      • I am not too honourable to lead my enemies to a strong NPC to soften them up, even if this would result in the NPC's death. If it doesn't and I need him dead, the experiment will be repeated.
      • I shall consider my equipment unconventional emergency ammo. Throwing potions at a Greater Daemon may have surprising results.
      • And a couple lists specific to Nethack. Many of these items apply equally well to other Roguelikes.
      • Better yet, I will immediately go back up the stairs I entered the dungeon through and demand that they get their own damn Artifact of Doom
    • If I have any relatives that are scientists I will not visit their workplace. Especially if it's sponsored by their company. Even though it'll make me the protagonist it's not worth the trouble that will ensue. Similarly if you are a scientist do not take your daughter to work.
      • If my planet is under attack, under no circumstances will I call in more hostile aliens.
    • If I live in a village and I seem like a protagonist, I will be constantly prepared for a surprise attack. If I know someone who looks like a protagonist, I will immediately move village. Any relatives or friends who die in the attack will not be mourned, it's more likely that they were captured or escaped and I will inevitably meet them again later.
    • I will never assume that a fight is almost over. My enemy might have/probably has a One-Winged Angel form or has been fighting with his left hand. A fight is either over or it isn't.
    • If there is a fighting tournament being held fairly regularly that I frequently participate in, I will not be very likely to win unless I have a deeply personal issue with the person conducting the tournament. This will not stop me from participating in each and every tournament, because otherwise there would be some fans out there clamoring about my disappearance from the scene.
    • If I realize I am not the protagonist, I will find out who is: (s)he'll be the guy talking to everyone, making himself/herself more useful than anyone else and stealing everything not nailed down. I will then make certain that person knows my name.
    • If I ever find myself in a horror video game, I will do the following:
      • Collect EVERY item I can. Ammo, weapons, tinderboxes, oil, etc.
      • Make sure that every room I go to will be free of monsters. If it isn't, I will either shoot them down or run away without attracting their attention.
      • If my game doesn't allow me to fight back the monsters, I will designate a handful of areas per location to serve as my hiding spots.
      • I will listen intently to both the music and the player to when or if there is a monster in the area.
      • I must never waste my items. EVER.
        • If my sanity depends on light, I will always make sure I have at least five tinderboxes/matches/lighters/etc. If I have less than that number, I will always consider whether or not to light that candle/torch.
      • If I am running from a monster, I must NEVER look back to see what it looks like or if it is still there. I will ALWAYS assume that it is following me until I get to my safe area.
      • If I am not the main character, I will expect to not make it. There's a chance that I might, however.
      • If my game has a sanity reading, I will pay attention to it.
      • If I encounter a Breather Level, I will assume that there are worse horrors ahead.
      • Depending on the game I'm in, I will either wear a diaper or a pair of brown pants.
      • If the monsters are zombies or zombie-like, I will ALWAYS shoot for the head. If there is no head, I will shoot at it regardless, unless said shooting might attract more zombies or a more powerful enemy.
        • Unless I happen to be on a spaceship named the Ishimura. or I hear mention of a marker then CUT OFF THEIR LIMBS.
      • If there is a prison/dungeon level, expect there to be monsters.
      • Always be wary when going to the morgue if there is one.
    • If using saving and being able to magically respawn at a specific point is an option, I will abuse it unless I have a save limit.
    • If I am ever given multiple possible choices in a scenario, I will immediately assume that one choice can lead me to a bad ending and have saved beforehand. After making the choice, I will not save again (at least not on the same file) until I am directly certain what the effects are.
    • If the boss kills or almost kills me due to me being too low on level, I will not endlessly retry in the hopes that I will win. Unless I made a mistake, this means I am not ready for future bosses after this one.
    • If at the beginning of my adventure a Professor asks me to choose between three cute little critters, I will give the choice to my jerkass rival and instead pick the critter that has an advantage over his instead.


    Situation Comedy[edit | hide]

    • If I am unmarried and not part of a Nakama, I will join one ASAP. Preferably one where everyone has a very distinct personality.
    • I will never utter the words "Can't you see I'm busy?" to relatives or loved ones. Chances are that what they have to say is far more important.
    • Family always has higher priority over work, even if it means I have to miss a chance for promotion.
    • If I am a member of an Acceptable Target, I will act as unstereotypical as possible.
    • If I have children, I will familiarize myself with the latest video games. Nothing says uncool like a parent who only knows how to play Pac-Man.
    • When I'm in an embarrassing (but not illegal) situation, I will tell the honest truth instead of covering it up.
    • I will learn how to treat the Drop-In Character as a close friend. Yelling at him will never convince him to go away.
    • If a close friend is a Mad Scientist, I will not be anywhere near him when he performs his experiments, no matter how well-intentioned.
    • When I am about to tell a friend/lover/relative something important, I will not allow said person to make a statement of their own first. Chances are that said statement is some Glurge-ey emotional speech that will guilt me out of saying what I was about to say.


    Horror[edit | hide]

    Go here

    • Above all else I will remember it's entirely possible to be wrong. Just because it looks like something might happen is never a guarantee that there won't be at least a subversion or two. As soon as I know I'm wrong I shall change strategy and adapt to the correct genre.
    • I will remember that, for anything that should be dead anyway or has too many tentacles, Murder Is the Best Solution.
    • If something tall and wearing a coat stands in front of my door, I will not open the door nor will I run away. Instead, I will grab a shotgun and blast the door and the figure down. Then I'll blast the figure again. In it's head. until it no longer has a head.
    • If I hear weird noises coming from behind a door, I will instead use another door. Or improvise.
    • If I strike a dark figure while trying to escape from a menacing being, I will not check and make sure the figure is okay. Instead, I will either make sure it is dead by running over it again or just keep driving.
      • But I will not do this if I have not seen the killer yet. Even if it is a horror movie, getting arrested for Hit and Run will not help. The police will not be able to stop the killer when he comes after you.
    • If I am currently in America I will stay away from New England, or the Deep South. If I am in England I will try as best as I am able to get off that Island.
    • If I am female, and just must investigate strange noises in the dark outside, the basement, the attic, the air lock, etc, if the option exists I will wear more than a bra/panties, a towel, or just a T-shirt. Even if it doesn't improve my survivability, it makes for a more dignified ending.
    • As soon as the killings start (assuming I wasn't among the first set of victims), I will relocate to another neighborhood as soon as possible.
    • I will never come back to my isolated and seemingly peaceful dying hometown, if I know there were mysterious and deadly things happening in the past. Especially if said events were the reason I left in a first place! Any of my old friends claiming that these events didn’t take place is either a part of the conspiracy and will get me eaten or Too Dumb to Live and will end as a snack for the monster himself. Either way he is not to be trusted nor saved.


    Lifetime Movie of the Week[edit | hide]

    • I will make sure that the legal measures I am presently taking will allow me to keep my baby for the rest of my life. I don't want to get jerked around by any more lawyers.
    • Building on that, I will go and get a female lawyer the first thing I do.
    • I will avoid the male gender at all costs. They are only out to get me. I will make an exception for the childhood friend who has no romantic interest in me, because he won't be as evil as the rest of them.
    • I will believe any and all stories about the man I am about to marry. Allegations that he has a secret second family; that he's really an Ax Crazy murderer; and others, these will all be completely true by the end of the movie.
    • I will not have children. It never helps things. They only end up used as bargaining chips in kidnappings anyway.
      • If I must have children, they will be wearing tracking devices at all times. I will have a network of people just making sure that they're OK everywhere they go. When any daughters I have turn 13, I will send them out of town to live with relatives until they're able to work through whatever life issues they will no doubt develop.
    • I will go to the cops the instant my husband shows the slightest hint of being abusive.
      • Unless the cops are male. Then I'll just have no choice but to kill him.
    • When I am in the hospital giving birth to my child, I will make sure that my room is secure and there is a sign-in sheet on the front door. Only female doctors will be allowed in. I will tell my terrible, awful baby daddy that I'm giving birth at another hospital on the other side of town. Finally, I will make absolutely sure that the child is legally mine and that no one can take him/her from me.
    • If I am male, I will identify the heroine as quickly as possible and stay away from her. The less screentime I get, the better.
      • If I absolutely must be around her (for work-related reasons or something), I will remain cold and aloof at all times, and use any excuse I can find to be in a different city. The less I interact with her, the better.
      • If I can't get out of it, I will, at the earliest opportunity, smash a hole in the Fourth Wall and brutally murder the writing staff and the producers in revenge for every indignity they would no doubt subject me to. That will at least mean if I'm the villain, I've earned it rightfully.
    • Better yet, I will cross-dress. I'm male. What am I doing on this network, anyway?
    • Even better, If I am offered to be on this network before the above future indignities occur, I will decline said offer, no matter how well it pays, and haul ass outta the vicinity as soon as possible.


    Judd Apatow Movies[edit | hide]

    • I will try to be as average-looking as possible, but funny. Definitely funny. If this is the case, I'll be getting tail like nobody's business.
    • I will try to be the "leader" of my group. This will mean I will be landing the most attractive female.
    • I will by no means attempt to improve my life. Self-improvement is for losers. Chicks dig unattractive, funny guys who still work in retail.
    • If I'm in a relationship with the lead female at the beginning of the movie, I will just save myself the time and trouble and break up with her now. She will be ending up with the average-looking funny guy who still works in retail.


    Fan Fiction[edit | hide]

    • I will throw myself down at the feet of the nearest Mary Sue and pledge my everlasting loyalty to her. Humiliating, yes, but I'll probably make it to the story's end (if it has one) in one piece if I stay on her good side.
      • If I absolutely cannot stand said Mary Sue, nor really care about her, however, I will leave the vicinity of said Sue immediately. Howling for her blood will end badly for me, and just being anywhere near her if I'm indifferent towards her will likely ensure that I get dragged into her adventures anyhow.
    • If the heroine is dating the Draco in Leather Pants and insists he isn't so bad, I will believe her. I will not explode when I find out and then go overboard trying to protect her, especially not if I wanted her to be in a relationship with me.
      • If I still loathe the Draco in Leather Pants despite what the heroine says about him, I will respectfully let the couple be and leave the story entirely, or at least the vicinity of the couple.
    • I will hang out with whichever characters are described as attractive. And I will wear whatever clothes and listen to whatever music they do. And if they all swear, I will swear too.
      • Alternatively, if I find the above rule undesireable for any reason, understandable or otherwise (more likely the former), I will leave the general area those characters occupy as quickly and quietly as possible.
    • If two male characters hook up, I will most emphatically not be homophobic. I similarly will not express outrage over any romantic pairing, no matter how wrong. It's always Twue Wuv.
      • If I am indifferent about said Twue Wuv should I happen to be in said Slash Fic and at the place where said hooking up takes place, I will leave the vicinity where said hooking up occured as calmly as possible and do the mind scrubbing in someplace private, particularly if said pairing type is not what I would prefer.
    • I will not attempt to change or disturb The Stations of the Canon. It probably won't hurt me, but it's just a waste of time.
    • If I'm male, I will be a perfect gentleman to the heroine, but will have no romantic interest in her. If I'm female, I will have no romantic interest in the heroine's man and most certainly will not act jealous or try to steal him. In fact, whatever my gender, I will not be in a relationship with anyone just to be safe.
      • If the hero/heroine turns out to be utterly insufferable for any reason, I will stay away from them.
    • I will be as Wangsty as possible. Having actual reasons for my moodiness is, however, purely optional.
      • Alternatively, I will not be emotionally unstable, as the chance of the above super-sentitive type of characters being seen as hair-pullingly obnoxious by the readers is nothing to be laughed at.[2]
        • The above goes double for if the whiny character is the protagonist. If I am not the main character, and I really wish they would just shut up, I will avoid being anywhere near them as much as possible. Being near someone so ungodly beautful, yet far too emotionally frail, for instance, is not worth enduring the headaches in the long run.
    • If it's a Harry Potter fanfic:
      • If the "good" side and the "bad" side have been twisted beyond all recognition, I will join the side with most of the following characters: Harry, Hermione, Draco, Snape, Lupin, Luna, and the Weasley twins.
      • If Harry is accused of a horrific crime, I will assume he's innocent right away. I will also hide Hedwig and his photo album from everyone else until his innocence is proven.
        • If a key part of the evidence against Harry is that the Marauder's Map said he did it, I will remind everyone that one of the Map's co-creators is a known Death Eater. I will also remind everyone that the last time they assumed someone was guilty just because all the evidence SEEMED to point to that person being guilty, an innocent man spent 12 years in Azkaban, and will insist that the Map be thoroughly tested (ideally by a surviving Marauder other than Pettigrew) to ensure that it hasn't been tampered with (or replaced with a defective copy/prototype)
    • If a character becomes Ron the Death Eater, I will assume they are completely evil and irredeemable now, no matter how nice they were in the canon.
    • If it's a Troll Fic, I will be as wildly and entertainingly Out of Character as possible. Surely the author would never kill off the character who provides half the lulz.
      • Also, I will take this opportunity to do as many wildly improbable things as possible, as the excessive Rule of Cool will allow me to achieve absolutely insane and entertaining things.
    • If someone attractive is being mean to me, I will immediately decide to have sex with them. If someone unattractive is being mean to me, I will kill them.
    • I won't feel any pressure to be funny if it's an MST fic. Instead I'll just state the obvious and this will be considered hilarious.


    Cosmic Horror Story[edit | hide]

    • I will not treat things as a Scooby Doo style man in a mask when there is blatant, copious evidence to the contrary.
      • I will avoid associating myself with anyone who does the above, lest that person ends up taking me with them to their graves.
    • I will not waste time trying to get my friends, family, etc. to believe me. This is a lovely way to get institutionalized.
      • On the other hand, if this Eldritch Abomination can't get to me while I'm in the asylum, it's not a bad hiding place while I figure out what the right course of action is.
    • I will make sure not to be an asshole, a snob or a mean spirited person in any way. Though my chances of surviving this at all are slim, the way I die will be less horrific if I'm not as much of a monster as what we're facing.
      • It had better be a we and not just me, or else the evil will have already won hands down.
    • I will immediately drag my Nakama into this. The odds of me dying drop for each other person involved.
    • I will not attack the unspeakable evil with a baseball bat. It won't help. Nor will trying to hit him with a car.
    • I will not taunt Cthulu or anything Cthulu-like in nature.
    • I will always keep my car in good condition to avoid this situation at all costs.
    • If I do go need to go to a suspicious looking place, I will try to minimize my time there and not sing about it. [3]
    • I will join the army and never stray from my unit which is full of anonymous guys who fire strictly in volleys. That way my only job will be to save the last person left alive.
    • Above all else, I will avoid being a part of the conflict as much as I can. The less screentime I get, the better my chances of survival.
    • If this turns out to be a true Cosmic Horror Story, I will ignore any or all of the above at my leisure, since I and everyone else is doomed anyway. I can at least take some cold comfort in knowing that whatever horror gets me is just as screwed in the grand scheme of things.
    • If possible, I will try to get turned into a monster. I may go insane and will almost certainly be outcast from human society, but at least I'll be on the winning side.


    Reality Show[edit | hide]

    • I will not utter the phrase "I'm Not Here to Make Friends" as it will ensure I will lose. Just to be safe, I won't even say it while quoting someone else.
    • If I am on a reality show where the elimination process is decided solely by the shows' writers, I will be the biggest drama-creating Jerkass possible to ensure good ratings. When it looks like my schtick is wearing thin, I'll have a quick change of heart ready to avoid elimination.
      • However, if I am on a reality show where elimination is decided by my peers, I will be the blandest, most boring Nice Guy you've ever seen. I will avoid any and all alliances and say nothing but nice things about people. This way, at the end of the season when it's me versus the Magnificent Bastard, everyone will vote for me just to spite him.
        • Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, no one on that show ever won without being in an alliance.
      • Finally, if I'm in a reality show where elimination is decided by popular vote, I will try to create some sort of catchphrase or meme so that America latches on to me.
    • I will remember that in some cases, The Runner Up Takes It All, therefore I will focus less on winning and more on being marketable.
    • If I am on a reality show which has been known to have mental challenges, I will take detailed notes on everything that has happened on the show whenever it's feasible to do so. Chances are there will be an open-notes pop quiz later.
    • If I am going on a show with physical challenges, I will learn to swim.
    • I will make sure to watch previous seasons of the show, so as to recognise any or all of the following: reused challenges; commonly used 'twists' or surprises; what the host or judges like; things that got previous contestants eliminated; skills or tasks I should probably practice before going on; whether I'm actually good enough to be on the show in the first place; mistakes commonly made by other contestants, etc.
    • If there is even the smallest chance that I may have to drive a car on the show, I will learn how to operate a manual transmission.


    Star Trek[edit | hide]

    • The obvious one: I will be a main character and not a Red Shirt. If I am some low-ranking officer, I will try to get a job in which I interact with the main characters on a regular basis, such as being the guy who operates the transporter or being that nurse who is always helping the Chief Medical Officer. However, I will not have a big role in my debut episode as that is more likely to set me up as a Sacrificial Lion.
    • During starship dogfights, I will stay away from the instrument panels. I will also install seat belts into my chair.
    • I will obey The Captain over all higher-ranking Starfleet officers. The latter will always turn out to be yet another Insane Admiral.
    • I will do lots of research on the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries. I'll end up time-traveling back then sooner or later and I don't want to look like an idiot when I get there.
      • I will buy lots of historical atlases as well.
    • Whenever using the holodeck, I will bring a phaser with me in case the safety protocols malfunction again. If all the main characters are having some kind of holodeck adventure together, I will just stay away.
    • If I'm the captain of a ship, I won't hang around Earth when there are no other starships there, especially not if my ship is called "the Enterprise".
    1. Both stories took place in the same continuity, though I can't recall which was first, and the monarchs of the second are reacting to the experiences of the first.
    2. The main protagonists from two certain fanfics come to mind, for instance.
    3. I'm looking at you, Brad and Janet.