The Onion

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Tu Stultus Es

A satirical newspaper devoted to all aspects of American life and culture, frequently parodying tropes mentioned on This Very Wiki. Started in 1988 as a print newspaper in Madison, Wisconsin (by a pair of students at the University of Wisconsin), it has since branched off into the internet, including video clips supposedly originating from the Onion News Network.

Some people mistakenly think The Onion is a legitimate news source, ranging from Christians against Harry Potter to the People's Republic of China. Others are aware of its parody nature.

The Onion also has an entertainment/pop culture newspaper and website called the AV Club, which features pop culture news, reviews of almost every form of media (TV, albums, books, etc.) and interviews presented in a humorous but factual tone. The site's head writer is Nathan Rabin. The AV Club maintains a separate identity and has very little (if anything) in common with The Onion, mostly to avoid people mistakenly thinking that the AV Club presents fake news like The Onion.

The Onion has in the past extended into a (critically derided, even by its own AV Club) movie, and most recently two TV series — Onion Sportsdome on Comedy Central and Onion News Network on IFC. There have also been two original Onion books - Our Dumb Century, a history of the 20th century told through fake Onion front pages, and Our Dumb World, a Hollywood Atlas filled with stereotypes and Dead Baby Comedy.

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Parody Newspaper Names Following Trope:

• Bulungi

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Area Man Embodies And Parodies Following Tropes:

• Aborted Arc: The mysterious congressman's presidential campaign initially seemed like just another funny article, but it was then followed up by him challenging the other candidates to a debate at dawn. Since then, nothing.
• Absent-Minded Professor: "Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'".
• A Day in the Limelight: "Is Pundit Duncan Birch A Worthless Idiot?"
• Adventurer Archaeologist: "Archaeologist Tired of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils".
• After the End: "Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital" claims that the USA will be a post-apocalyptic wasteland by the time a newly-born baby reaches adulthood.
• Aint No Rule: "Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing Dog".
  • "Washed-Up Air Bud Signs With Greek Pro Team".
• Air Vent Passageway: "Clinton Escapes Through Air Vent".
• The Alleged Car: Jim Anchower's perpetually abused Ford Festiva.
• All Girls Want Bad Boys: "Irrepressible Bad Boy Slays Seven".
• All Men Are Perverts: "12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Offer To Give Breast Exams".
• Alpha Bitch: Fact Zone host Brooke Alvarez.
• Alternate History: "Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War"
• Americans Hate Soccer / Acceptable Hobby Targets: In-Universe.
  • "Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay".
  • In the Onion Sports Network's main page, if you look at the list of sports categories, "Soccer" is lumped in the same category as "Women's Sports".
  • "Suffering Cleveland Bans All Professional Sports".
• Anachronism Stew / Timey-Wimey Ball: "Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd Battle Of Bull Run".
• And I Must Scream: "Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients".
• Animal Wrongs Group: "Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit".
• Animated Adaptation: "Aaron Sorkin Announces New 'West Wing' Animated Series At SorCon".
• Antiquated Linguistics: The book Our Dumb Century loves these.
• Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?: "If Only There Were Some Way I Could Watch Premium Movies In The Comfort Of My Own Home".
• Artifact of Attraction: "Wool Blanket Destroys Commune".
• Artifact of Doom: "Ashton Moves On From Demi, Dating Evil Black Disc".
• Artifact Title: "Steeler Defense Renamed 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' To More Accurately Reflect Contemporary Pittsburgh".
• Artistic License Animal Care: "As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog To Sleep, I Know He'll Feel Better When He Wakes Up".
• As Long as It Sounds Foreign: "I Bet I Can Speak Spanish".
• Asshole Victim: "Teen With Cancer Vows It Won't Keep Her From Being Mean, Moody Little Shit".
• As Long as There Is Evil: "Osama Bin Laden Found Inside Each of Us".
• Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: "Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington".
• Author Tract/Writer on Board: Many of their recent entries.
• Awesomeness By Analysis: Inverted with "It Doesn't Look That Cold Out, Reports Man Who Doesn't Have Thermo-Sensing Eyes".
• Ax Crazy/Cute and Psycho: "A Vote For My Husband Is A Vote For Me Not Breaking Your Fucking Neck".
• Babies Make Everything Better: Subverted hard: "Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save".
• Bankruptcy Barrel: "Why Am I The Only Homeless Man Still Wearing Pickle Barrels?"
• Basement Dweller: "Congress Cuts Funding For 26-Year-Old Stepson".
• Best Years of Your Life: Best Years Of Man's Life Apparently Never Going to Happen brutally mocks this trope.
• Big Bad: "Dept. of Evil: All of You Must Die".
• Bilingual Bonus: The so-called founder's last name is Zwiebel, German for "Onion".
• Black Comedy:
  • "More Americans Falling For 'Get Rich Slowly Over A Lifetime Of Hard Work' Schemes".
  • "University Implicated In Checks-For-Degrees Scheme".
  • "Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students".
• Black Comedy Rape:
  • "Black Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper". Notable for being one of the few articles removed from the main site. A subversion, as the article's clownish treatment of the horrific subject matter was itself the joke.
  • From Our Dumb Century, "January 30, 1969 - U.S. TROOPS PULL OUT OF VIETNAMESE PEASANT GIRL; 27th Infantry Division ordered to fully withdraw from Sia Nguyen, 14. 'That's enough for now, boys' says captain."
• Blatant Lies: "Massive Flow Of Bullshit Continues To Gush From BP Headquarters".
• Boom! Headshot!: Close Range, "The Game That Consists Of Nothing But Shooting People In The Face".
• Bothering by the Book: "Regulation Spitefully Obeyed To The Letter".
• Bottled Cool: "Area Man Buying Not So Much A Soft Drink As An Image".
• Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick:
  • "When You Think McDonough's Auto Repair, You Think Craftsmanship, Murder, And Pride".
  • An autistic reporter covering a train accident: "Before the train came to a complete stop, it ran over three trash bags, a piece of gum, a Snickers wrapper, a man, and a glove."
• Bulungi: The Trope Namer originated in this article.
• Buried Alive/Complete Monster: "No Parent Should Ever Have To Bury His Child Alive".
• Butt Monkey:
  • There's a lot of articles that involve dreadful things happening to former U.S. President George W. Bush.
  • Madison Daly and Tucker Hope are treated poorly by Brooke Alvarez.
• But You Screw One Goat!: "I Think I'm Going About This Cat-Breeding Thing All Wrong".
• Call Back: One article makes reference to an online voting system that allows millions of masturbators to take part in the voting process. Two days later, the article "Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way" ends with the nonvoter admitting he might start voting if the online voting for masturbators was up by 2012.
• The Cameo: Ben Stiller, Rachel Maddow, and Mike Huckabee were all on the TV show. The last two were on the same episode.
• Canada, Eh?:
  • "Perky 'Canada' Has Own Government, Laws".
  • From the cartoons, "The THREAT Across the OTHER Border".
• Canon Discontinuity: "Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors".
• Canon Welding: "Disney Reveals That Every Disney Movie Takes Place In Single, Unified Universe".
• Captain Space, Defender of Earth!: Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000, the recurring enemy of Evil Overlord columnist Gorzo the Mighty.
• Captain Obvious Aesop: "Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year".
• Casanova: "7 Million People Direct Descendants Of Single Smooth-Talking Ancestor".
• Casanova Wannabe: How they portray U.S. Vice President Joe Biden.
• Caustic Critic: "Awful Man Offers Witty, Acerbic Take On Everything He Sees".
• Chekhov's Gun: "Gun Goes Off During Life's Third Act".
• The Chew Toy: "Universe Admits To Wronging Area Man His Entire Life".
• Children Are a Waste: "Department Of Education Study Finds Teaching These Little Shits No Longer Worth It".
• China Takes Over the World:
  • "Well, I've Sold The Paper To The Chinese".
  • "Report: China To Overtake U.S. As World's Biggest Asshole By 2020".
  • From the week which featured the header article, "China Strong".
• Church of Happyology: "Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology".
• Circles of Hell: "Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly-Growing Hell".
• Clap Your Hands If You Believe: "Obama Warns He May Cease To Exist Unless America Believes In Him".
• Cliché Storm: In-Universe, "Perfectly Marketed TV Show Somehow Fails".
  • "Report: Massive Wildfires, Geopolitical Crises, AIDS, Human Rights Violations, Deadly Shootings, Africa, Trapped Travelers, Ethical And Moral Issues, Child Labor, Drug Wars"
  • "Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill".
• Cloudcuckoolander: Several of the columnists, but particularly flaky stoner dude Jim Anchower.
  • Jean Teasdale is a vicious and tragic deconstruction, as she's almost (but not entirely) oblivious to the living hell that is her life. This is Played for Laughs.
• Cluster F-Bomb: Oy.
  • "Holy Shit: Man Walks On Fucking Moon".
  • "Sony Releases Stupid Piece of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work".
  • "Supreme Court Upholds Freedom Of Speech In Obscenity-Filled Ruling".
  • The whole week of articles directly after 9/11 was called "The Holy Fucking Shit Edition".
  • "Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit?"
  • "Where The Fuck Is Diane With My Fair-Trade Coffee?"
  • "Department Of Education Study Finds Teaching These Little Shits No Longer Worth It".
  • From Our Dumb Century: "Last Night's Fireside Chat Just A Stream of Cuss Words."
• Comically Missing the Point: Uses this humor a LOT, especially their Today Now! and In The Know segments.
  • "CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighter All These Years".
  • "Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?"
  • "Autistic Reporter: Train Thankfully Unharmed In Crash That Killed One Man".
• The Computer Is a Cheating Bastard: "Hawaii Wins Little League World Series".
• Concept Album:
  • "NASA Launches David Bowie Concept Mission".
  • "Bruce Springsteen Releases New Sci-Fi Concept Album About Struggles of Poor Miners Working On Mars".
• Conspiracy Theorist:
  • "Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial".
  • "Conspiracy Theorist Has Elaborate Explanation For Why He's Single".
• Content Warnings: "Teen Exposed To Violence, Profanity, Adult Situations By Family".
• Continuity Creep: The show on IFC has some recurring stories, such as the one involving time travelers trying to kill Suri Cruise and the FDA official yelling for everyone to start eating healthier.
• Continuity Nod:
  • Joad Cressbeckler, first introduced as an "even more grizzled and ornery" alternative to John McCain during the "War For The White House", now has his own series (The Cressbeckler Stance) parodying FOX News' primetime commentary shows.
  • Several stories about an "Area Man" visiting restaurants are about the same man (Don Turnbee of Erie, PA) with the same photo model.
• Conviction by Contradiction: "Idaville Detective 'Encyclopedia' Brown Found Dead In Library Dumpster".
• Cousin Oliver: "To Join White House For Last Year Of Clinton Presidency".
• Cowboy Cop:
  • "Lone Wolf Ashcroft Given Rookie Partner".
  • "Entire Precinct Made Up Of Loose Cannons".
• Covered in Gunge: "Ex-Nickelodeon Stars Relate Horrors Of Green Slime Syndrome".
• Crap Saccharine World: The world seen in Today Now!
• Crapsack World:
  • "Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality".
  • The world as a whole. In The Know's world has ghouls, robot overlords, baby skulls as jewelry... Rule of Funny produces some hilariously-horrific things.
• Crazy Cat Lady: "How To Put the spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat."
• Crazy Enough to Work: "Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work".
• Creator Breakdown: "Study: Children Of Divorce Twice As Likely To Write Bad Poetry".
  • "Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create ".
• Crosses the Line Twice: In-Universe.
  • "No Parent Should Ever Have To Bury His Child Alive", a perfect example of crossing the line way more than twice.
  • "Look, Are We Going To Spend The Rest Of This Board Meeting Talking About Why I'm Covered In Blood And Feces Or Are We Going To Talk Business?"
• Cult: "You Call This A Doomsday Cult?"
  • The Moral Substitute: "Former Cult Members Find New Life In Christ".
  • "Cult Divided On Whether To Let Women Become Telepathic-Vision Clerics".
• The Danza: Tracy Toth, aka Today Now's Tracy Gill.
• A Date with Rosie Palms:
  • "Ho Ho Ho, I Saw you Masturbating!" Also an example of Squick and You Suck.
  • "13-Year-Old Nearing Record For Most Masturbations In One Day".
• Deconstruction:
  • With regard to the idea of realistic video games, "Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks".
  • Several articles are deconstructions, often by having something frequently portrayed in media happen to real people and showing what it would really be like, such as "Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested".
• The Deep South: Repeatedly.
  • "Supreme Court Rules Tennesseans are Sentient Beings".
  • "South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year".
  • "Obama Visits South-Carolina-Ravaged South Carolina."
• Defictionalization: Play the demo of "Close Range".
• Development Hell: "Script Has Been Floating Around Hollywood For 75 Years".
• Delicious Fruit Pies: "Spiderman Distracts Dr. Octopus With Delicious Hostess Fruit Pies".
• Did You Die?: "Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam".
• Dinner Order Flub: In Our Dumb World's entry on Burkina Faso, there's a joke about the very low literacy rate of that country when one of their diplomats tries to order a notice that an extra gratuity may be charged for large groups.
• Disproportionate Retribution: "Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar".
• Does This Remind You of Anything?: Constantly; one is "Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister".
• Do They Know It's Christmas Time?: "Important Christmas Lessons Already Forgotten".
• Doorstopper: "Girlfriend Stops Reading David Foster Wallace Breakup Letter At Page 20".
• Downer Ending: See Mood Whiplash example below.
• Dumb Is Good: "Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker".
• Dysfunctional Family: Pretty much the whole point of Jean Teasdale's regular column, and strongly implied in Roger Dudek's.
• Eagle Land:
  • Both types at once, in "American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways"
  • Type 2: "Has Obama Failed To Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad?"
• Early-Bird Cameo: In "Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy ads", a spokesperson for Hennessy was seen on Fact Zone, which is where the show on IFC would take place about a year after the video was released. The show would occasionally be mentioned on the news ticker on some other videos.
• 8.8: In-Universe: "Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8".
• Everything Is Big in Texas: "Texas Constructs U.S. Border Wall To Keep Out Unwanted Americans".
• Everything's Deader with Zombies
  • Brain Food: "Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet".
  • Zombie Apocalypse:
    • "Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack".
    • "Low Voter Turnout Blamed On Election-Day Zombie Attacks".
• Everything's Worse with Bears: "Whoooooo! Bears! vs. Aaaaaggh! Bears!"
• Evil-Detecting Dog: "Family Dog Barking At Evil".
• Evil Power Vacuum / Jerk Jock: "Second-Most Popular Kid In School Assumes Power Following Death Of Star Quarterback".
• Evil Old Folks: T. Herman Zweibel, the fictional Editor of the Onion since 1888, is the epitome of this Trope.
• Executive Meddling: "Network Executive Cancels Show After Ruining It In Development".
• Exponential Plot Delay: "Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films".
• Fag Hag / Pet Homosexual: "Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond".
• Fan Dumb: In-Universe.
  • "Jon Hamm To Overenthusiastic Fan: 'You're Ruining Me For Everyone'".
  • "Why Don't They Make A Second 'Godfather' Movie?"
• Ferris Wheel of Doom: "Report: 40,000 People Died On Ferris Wheels This Summer".
• Finishing Move: "NHL To Allow Finishing Moves In Fights This Season", with an obligatory Shout-Out to Mortal Kombat.
• Firemen Are Hot / Even the Guys Want Him / Black Comedy: "Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze".
• First Contact Math: "Earth Contacted By Extraterrestrial Nerds".
• Five-Token Band: "Graphic Artist Carefully Assigns Ethnicities To Anthropomorphic Recyclables".
• Flock of Wolves: "Klan Rally 70 Percent Undercover Reporters".
• Flyover Country: "Indianapolis Announces Really Embarrassing Bid For 2020 Summer Olympics".
• Funny Aneurysm Moment: In-Universe, "Everyone Outraged Catholic Priest Did That Thing Everyone Jokes About".
• Funny Background Event: The news ticker at the bottom of Newsroom videos.
  • Also, some screenshots of websites have headlines as funny as the news ticker's.
• Foe Yay:
  • "Sexual Tension Between Arafat, Sharon Reaches Breaking Point".
  • Mentioned in "Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry".
• Former Child Star / Future Loser / Green Aesop / Contractual Purity: "Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted By 2013".
• Funk:
  • "Clinton Threatens to Drop Da Bomb on Iraq".
  • "National Funk Congress Deadlocked on Get Up/Get Down Issue".
• Franchise Zombie: In-Universe, "Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films".
• Future Badass/Evil Overlord: "Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital".
• Game Within a Game: "Warcraft Sequel Lets You Play A Character Playing Warcraft".
• Gang of Critters: "Woodland Pals Hold Impromptu Oompah-Band Jamboree".
• Gentleman Thief: "Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Daring Jewel Heist".
• Get a Load of That Square: "Area Father Must Have Read Some Drug-Slang Brochure Or Something".
• The Ghost: Clifford Banes, the supposed host of In The Know. The various reasons given are Troperiffic:

"I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who has been accidentally erased." "I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is battling his nemesis to the death on top of a clock tower." "I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is regaling the interns with tales of his days at sea." "I'm sitting in for Clifford Banes, who messed with the wrong people and got involved in some serious shit." "I'm Clifford Banes, wearing a perfect latex Juliana McKannis mask."

• Giant Enemy Crab: "Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat".
• Girlfriend in Canada: Appears in "Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet".
• Girls Have Cooties: "10-Year-Old Denies Girl-Liking Allegations".
• Glorious Leader: "Clinton Declares Self President For Life," complete with Commissar Cap and Chest of Medals
• Glurge: In-Universe, "Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad".
• Gone Horribly Wrong / My God, What Have I Done?: "What Kind Of Powdered Chocolate Drink Mix Have We Unleashed Upon The World?"
• Good Cop, Bad Cop:
  • "Good Cop, Avid-Stamp-Collector Cop Routine Not Working".
  • "Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist".
• Gretzky Has the Ball: Inverted with "Even British Able To See Holes In Buccaneer's Defence".
• The Grim Reaper: Frequently appears in the cartoons.
• Hand Puppet: "Local Puppet Ignores Repeated Audience Dragon Warnings".
• Harmful to Minors: "U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially-Exposed Breast On TV".
• Heavy Metal Umlaut: "Ünited Stätes Toughens Image with Umlauts".
• Heroes Want Redheads: "I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex".
• Historical Beauty Update: "I Would Have Been Considered Very Attractive In The Middle Ages".
• Hive Mind: "Residents of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness".
• Ho Yay: "World's Power Brokers Hold Annual Summit Where They Show Each Other Their Penises".
• Hollywood Atlas: Our Dumb World is constructed largely out of this Trope, with a dash of Dead Baby Comedy here and there.
• Hollywood Psych: Michael Falk is an autistic reporter in "Autistic Reporter: Train Thankfully Unharmed In Crash That Killed One Man"
  • And "Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine."
• Hollywood Science: Coal Lobby warns Wind Farms may blow Earth off-orbit.
• Hulk Speak: "Why No One Want Make Hulk 2?"
• Humanoid Abomination: "Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse of Real Michael Jackson"
• Humans Are the Real Monsters: "Deaths Of 20,000 Japanese Afford Planet Solid 15 Minutes In Which Everyone Acts Like A Human Being".
• Hunting the Most Dangerous Game: "Maverick Hunter's 'Human Beings As Prey' Plan Not As Challenging As Expected".
• Hype Aversion: In-Universe, "New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products".
• I Don't Want to Ruin Our Friendship: "But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them".
• If It Bleeds, It Leads: "Missing Girl Probably Raped".
• I Have This Friend: "Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq".
  • "Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes"
• I Know Madden Kombat: "LBJ Deploys Green Bay Packers to Vietnam".
• I Love Nuclear Power: "We Must Expand Our Nuclear Power Program If We're To Realize Our Dream Of Superhero Mutants".
  • Parodied by Our Dumb Century; one of the 1963 articles is about a 17-year-old boy named Peter Parker who dies from leukemia caused by a radioactive spider bite. The article goes on to mention other radiation-induced deaths that month, including the four-man crew of an experimental rocket and a scientist bombarded with gamma rays from the bomb he was testing.
• Incredibly Lame Pun: Roger Dudek's regular column is basically just a nonstop barrage of the most horrible puns imaginable.
• Indian Burial Ground: "Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds"
• Innocent Inaccurate: A blend of this and The Onion's usual style is heartwrenching.
• The Internet Is for Porn: "Naked Woman Picture Gains Popularity On Internet". (NSFW)
• It Is Beyond Saving: "FDA Commissioner: I Give up On You Pigs"
• It's Popular, Now It Sucks: In-Universe, "Trekkies Bash New 'Star Trek' Film As 'Fun, Watchable'".
• I Want My Jetpack: "I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now".
• Japandering: "Obama Earns Money For U.S. By Appearing In Japanese Television Commercial"
• Jiggle Physics: "New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering Of Smaller Breasts".
• Jurisdiction Friction: "Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over".
• "Just Joking" Justification: "Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole".
• Killed Off for Real:
  • Herbert Kornfeld.
  • Averted with Doc and Kenny, who came back a couple months later with their heads wrapped in bloody bandages.
• Knight in Sour Armor: Existentialist Firefighter Delays Three Deaths
• If You Know What I Mean: "Peyton Manning's Wife Tired Of His Constant 'Audibles' At The 'Line Of Scrimmage'".
• Lethal Diagnosis: "Lackluster Marriage Enlivened By Cancer Scare".
• Let's See You Do Better: "'Well, You Try To Reconstruct Iraq,' Says U.S. Defensive Dept."
• Lifetime Movie of the Week: "Oh, My God - The Baby!"
• Lighter and Softer: "New David Simon Project To Investigate Happy, Upper-Middle-Class Streets Of Wilmette, IL."
• Literal-Minded: "Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot".
• Lonely at the Top: "Rich Guy Feeling Left Out Of Recession".
• Look on My Works Ye Mighty and Despair: "New Chuck E. Cheese Restaurant Forged In Iron And Blood".
• Love Hotels: "Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'".
• Lowest Common Denominator: In-Universe-- "Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall".
• Mad Scientist:http://www.theonion.com/articles/rat-fancy-magazine-fails-to-catch-on,4259/
  • "Corpse-Reanimation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists".
  • "Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted by Budget Cuts".
• The Magazine Rule: "Star Wars Gamer Magazine Boldly Claims To Be The Leading Magazine For Star Wars Gamers".
  • "New Pompous Asshole Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado".
  • "New Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic".
  • "Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On".
• Magical Negro: "Maya Angelou Honored For Courage, Blackness".
• Malevolent Architecture / No OSHA Compliance: "Video-Game Characters Denounce Randomly-Placed Swinging Blades".
• The Man: "The ONION's 1997 Man Of The Year".
• Man Child: Inverted, "Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups".
• Manic Pixie Dream Girl: Trope Namer.
• Medium Awareness:
  • "Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S. Sends Nation Into Panic".
  • "Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot".
• Mind Screw: "Obama's Weekly Video Addresses Becoming Increasingly Avant-Garde".
• Missing White Woman Syndrome / Beauty Equals Goodness:
  • "Ugly Girl Killed".
  • "Missing Girl Probably Raped".
• Mistaken Nationality
  • Spexico "Restaurant Turns Out To Be Spanish, Not Mexican".
• Money, Dear Boy: "Nobel Fever Grips Research Community As Prize Swells To $190 Million"
• Mood Whiplash: "New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory". Everyone gushes about how cute they all are, and then you get to paragraph 15: "As of press time, an estimated 800,000 dogs had been euthanized for failing to comply with the new law."
  • "Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital" swings wildly between "D'awww, look at his cute widdle fingers" and "...which he will form into an iron fist and crush all who dare to oppose him".
• MSTing: "Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing".
• Multiple Demographic Appeal: "Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series".
• Mundane Utility: "NASA Chief Under Fire For Personal Shuttle Use".
• Murder Simulators:
  • "Video-Game Violence Blamed In Giant-Robot Shooting Spree".
  • "Study Finds Cable-TV Violence Leads To Network-TV Violence".
• Musical Spoiler / Genre Savvy: "Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S. Sends Nation Into Panic".
• Must Have Nicotine: "Smoking Now Permitted Only In Special Room In Iowa".
• My Greatest Failure: "Mall Justice Is Swift And Harsh".

"Thursday, November 3, 1995. Early afternoon. I have been working as a security guard at Clover Square Mall for two, maybe three months. The world is my oyster. I veer off my usual route and stop for a Mountain Dew at Mrs. Fields. As I lean against the counter, shooting the breeze with Gail, I hear a distinctive clap-clap sound coming from the direction of Electronics Boutique. That sound can only mean one thing–running. Past Waldenbooks, Eddie Bauer, Lane Bryant and Sbarro runs a young Caucasian male. Paul, the assistant manager of Electronics Boutique, is pursuing him. I give chase, but I am too late. The perpetrator has escaped with a brand-new copy of Madden '96. YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THERE. I was young, damn it. YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM. I am a human being, not a god. HE IS OUT THERE STILL. I don't know that."

• Narm: Invoked with "Study: Children of Divorce Twice As Likely to Write Bad Poetry" (no longer available online but can be found in the book Dispatches from the Tenth Circle).
• Network Decay: In-Universe, "Learning Channel Switches to All-Gilligan Format".
• Never My Fault: "Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time".
• Never Live It Down: In-Universe.
  • "Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade".
  • "Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart".
• New Technology Is Evil: The cartoons often mock/demonize teenagers using these, referring to the devices as "gizmos".
• Nietzsche Wannabe:
  • "Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life".
  • "Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths".
• Nightmare Fuel Coloring Book: "Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday".
• Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: "Hurriphoonado Cuts Swath Of Destruction Across Eastern, Western Hemispheres".
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: "Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit".
• No Indoor Voice: "I Enjoy Yelling Things".
• Not Listening to Me, Are You?: The AV Club reposted a wildly popular shot of two female leads from Community re-enacting a famous picture by Bettie Page. About halfway through the one paragraph article, they conclude no one is there to actually read it and just start listing random factoids.
• Off to See the Wizard / It's a Wonderful Plot: "Sitcom Resorts To 'Wizard Of Oz'-Themed Fantasy Episode".
• Off with His Head: "White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt".
• Old Shame: "Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s".
• Only Six Faces: The American Voices feature has been showing the same six or so photos for over a decade, with different names and occupations each time (though one of them is often a systems analyst).
  • Ambiguously used in the similar sports feature Fan on the Street, which always shows the same three photos with no names or occupations given. Lampshaded here.
• Opinion Myopia: "Man Who Enjoys Thing Informed He Is Wrong".
• Organic Technology:
  • "Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot May Hold Clues To The Crash".
  • "Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook".
• Our Slogan Is Terrible: "New 'Small 'n' Flaccid' Ad Campaign Least Successful Ever".
• Overprotective Dad: "Underprotective Father Demands Daughter Arrive Home By 10 A.M."
• Panty Thief: "Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid".
• Paranoia Fuel / You Suck: In-Universe, "Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else".
• Parental Obliviousness / Drugs Are Bad: "I Hope My Baby Doesn't Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit".
• Parenting the Husband: Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship.
• Periphery Demographic: In-Universe.
  • "Children, Creepy Middle-Aged Weirdos Swept Up In 'Harry Potter' Craze".
  • "Man Not Belonging To Movie's Target Demographic Escorted From Theater By Hollywood Officials".
  • "Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series".
• Perverse Sexual Lust: "FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It's Alyson Hannigan".
• Please Wake Up: "Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box".
• Poe's Law: Many, many times some articles have been mistaken for legitimate ones. "Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth" actually provoked a Libertarian blogger to agree.
  • The most famous example, arguably, is the Chinese newspaper falling for the story about Congress threatening to leave Washington D.C. unless a better building was built. The one about Harry Potter sparking a rise in witchcraft, as well as the video about the boy bankrupting the Make-A-Wish Foundation with infinite wishes, have shown up in some email forwards.
  • This site archives Facebook reactions treating the articles as real.
• Political Cartoons: A series of over-the-top conservative cartoons.
• Poor Communication Kills: In Our Dumb Century, World War I ends when Archduke Franz Ferdinand is unexpectedly found alive; he had apparently been living as a Croatian peasant for several years and was completely unaware that everyone thought he was dead. The Allies are obviously displeased that the war was just a big misunderstanding, so the German chancellor orders Ferdinand's real execution to appease them.
• Popularity Polynomial: "Lava Lamps Revert From Passé Retro Kitsch Back To Novel Retro Camp".
• Precision F-Strike: "Playboy Centerfold Has Big Dreams, Tits".
• Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Herbert Kornfeld, Accounts Receivable.

Kornfeld: 'Cause I keep my fly shit on my desk. I gots my dope spreadsheets, my hangin' file folders, my delinquent-account file, my paper clips, my Post-It note dispenser, my monthly desk planner, my Midstate Office Supply business cards, my four-color ball-point pen, my motherfuckin' dot-matrix printer address labels, and my stoopid-fresh three-hole punch. Not to mention my computer. I swear, if I see any of y'all within three feet of my computer, I'll put a Lee Van Cleef on your bitch ass. I'll come at you like a mother fuck.

• • Not all that fly. Kornfeld was a big fan of Chicago.
• Product Placement / Too Incompetent to Operate a Blanket: "Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?"
• Professional Wrestling: "Vince McMahon's X-SPAN Promises Bone-Crunching Legislative Coverage".
  • Heel Face Turn: "Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes the Error of His Ways".
  • Pro Wrestling Is Real: Deconstructed. It's the fan's that are fake, not necessarily the wrestlers.
• Public Medium Ignorance / Snark Bait: "NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: Drive Fast".
• Raised by Wolves: "Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody".
• The Rashomon: Point/Counterpoint, particularly "European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men vs. American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy".
• Real Dreams Are Weirder:
  • "MLK: I Had A Really Weird Dream Last Night", from Our Dumb Century.
  • "Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelette' That Came To Him In A Dream".
• Really Gets Around: "Town's Teen Pregnancy Spike Due To One Impressive Youth".
• Reckless Gun Usage: In this article, an 8-year-old boy who accidentally shot himself in the thigh wins praise from Strawman Politicals for having exercised his constitutional rights.
• Red Scare/Evil Only Has to Win Once: "USSR Wins Space Race As U.S. Shuts Down Shuttle Program".
• Refuge in Audacity: "Mexico Killed In Drug Deal".
• Released to Elsewhere:
  • "We Gave Rex To A Nice Farm Family vs. They Had Me Put To Sleep At The Vet".
  • "Packers Tell Fans They Gave Favre to a Nice Farm Family".
  • Subversion: "Fire Consumes Big Happy Farm Where Families Send Sick Dogs To Run Free And Play"
• Religion Tropes
  • God Is Flawed: "God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder".
  • Gravity Is Only a Theory: The article "Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory", where fundamentalist Christians are no longer content to get equal time with biology to preach theology in biology class. They now also want equal time in the physics class, demanding that the theories of Newton and Einstein step back in favor of the theory that the universe is held together by Jesus' love.
  • Jesus Was Crazy: "Christ Converts To Islam"
  • Activist Fundamentalist Antics: Millions more, however, have decried the recalcitrant Christ's apostasy, breaking ties with Him and calling His conversion "a heathen act" of "utmost blasphemy before Himself".
  • Thou Shalt Not Kill: "God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule".
• Repurposed Pop Song: "Song About Heroin Used To Advertise Bank".
• Retraux: All of Our Dumb Century.
• Rubber Forehead Aliens: "Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles".
• Rule of Cool:
  • "Nation Demands Tax Dollars Only Be Wasted On Stuff That's Awesome".
  • "Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'".
• Running Gag: Many.
  • When the print versions need to fill a small space, they put in a small article with nothing but the repeated phrase "Passersby were amazed by the unusually-large amounts of blood." (which also appears in context during "Blood...Blood Everywhere").
  • Recurring article types include "[Corporation] scientists discover [related discovery]", among others. In the sports section, any article about Tim Duncan will make fun of how bland he is.
  • Clifford Banes has never actually appeared in his self-titled panel-discussion series In the Know with Clifford Banes; there's always a sit-in newscaster who gives a reason, often completely absurd, for Banes' absence.
  • The Statue of Liberty crying appears in many Kelly cartoons.
  • According to Our Dumb World, every single African country has at least one resident named Mtumbe Ngoube.
  • All the George W. Bush injury articles (see Butt Monkey and Take That) end with "Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital."
• Sampling: "Nation's Rappers Down to Last Two Samples".
• Samus Is a Girl: "Hotshot Test Pilot Removes Helmet, Reveals Female Status".
• Sapient Cetaceans: Parodied this with the article "Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: 'Oh, Shit,' Says Humanity". The article is then filled with stories of the Dolphins' incredibly rapid technology development, and marine biologists committing suicide or preparing to serve the Dolphin overlords.
• Sarcasm Failure: "Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy", filled with legit facts and news due to being so unbelievable at the time.
• Save Our Students: "Naive Teacher Believes in Her Students".
• Saw Star Wars 27 Times: One article written during the Clinton administration mentions the President planning to see The Phantom Menace at least twenty times during its opening weekend, after which he will return to his office and follow a once-a-day viewing schedule.
• Scare'Em Straight:
  • "Driver's Ed Class Finally Gets To See Legendary Safety Film".
  • "Kids In Scared Straight Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice".
• Scenery Porn: "National Parks Closed For Annual Remajestification".
• Schmuck Bait: During Fact Zone's intro, if you pause at just the right time you'll see a TinyURL address. It leads to a Rickroll.
• Screwed by the Network: In-Universe. On the season finale of the show on IFC, The Cressbeckler Stance was canned so the network could introduce a new program about motorcycles in the spirit of the new American Dream.
• Screw the Rules, I Have Money: "Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence".
• Screw the Rules, I'm Beautiful: "It's Okay, I'm Attractive".
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: "U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy".
• Second Person Narration: The paper's preferred method to point out This Loser Is You, such as "Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade".
• Sequelitis: In-Universe, "Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel".
• Serious Business:
  • "Modern-Day Martin Luther Nails 95 Comment Cards To IHOP Door".
  • Anything by Larry Groznic, such as "When You Are Ready To Have A Serious Conversation About Green Lantern, You Have My E-Mail Address".
  • "General Mills' 'Star Wars: Episode II' Cereal Gets It All Wrong".
  • "Americans Bravely Go To Polls Despite Threat Of Electing Congress".
  • "I Shall Scramble Two With Bacon When The Muse Moves Me".
  • "Helvetica Bold Oblique Sweeps Fontys"
  • "What Foolhardy Mortal Thinks He Can Shelve Faster Than I?"
  • In many other stories, the event itself is entirely plausible; the joke is simply that anyone would consider it newsworthy:
    • "Whaler Sandwich 'Not Sitting Too Good' with Area Man".
    • "Nation Struggles To Understand Why Area Pie Didn't Come Out Right".
    • "Honey, I'm Not Going To Stand Here And Debate The Merits Of The First Two B-52's LPs In Front Of The Whole Supermarket".
• Setting Update: "Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended".
• Seven Deadly Sins: "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale".
• Sex Is Evil and I Am Horny: One article commented on the scandal of the Catholic Church covering up for pedophile priests (by moving them around instead of ousting and reporting them, thus covering their tracks and giving them access to new victims) by having the Pope announce that God will forgive the children for their crime of leading his priests into temptation.
• Sex Sells/All Men Are Perverts/Distracted by the Sexy/Girl-On-Girl Is Hot: "Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman". (NSFW)
• Shaped Like Itself: "Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches".
• Shaving Is Science:
  • "Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'".
  • "Brookstone Scientists 10 Years Away from Towel Alarm Clock".
• She Cleans Up Nicely: "Bearded Lady Cleans Up Real Nice".
• Shoddy Knockoff Product / The Theme Park Version: "Yellowstone National Park Concerned About Competing 'Yello-Stone Natural Park' Built Right Across Street"
• Shout-Out: An allusion to The Emperor's New Clothes in "Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers".
• Side Effects Include: "Pfizer Launches 'Zoloft for Everything' Ad Campaign".
• Silly Rabbit, Idealism Is for Kids: "Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy".
• Single Tear: The editorial cartoonist is fond of depicting the Statue of Liberty shedding this.
• So Bad It's Horrible - Music: In-Universe with "Man Just Going To Grab Guitar And Old Four-Track, Go Out To Cabin In Woods, Make Shittiest Album Anyone's Ever Heard" and "No One Admits To Singing, Writing, Producing Nation's No. 1 Song".
• Small Name, Big Ego: In-Universe: "Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me".
• Sophisticated As Hell: Smoove B.

Smoove B: Lay your body down, and I will show you love. I will drape you in the finest black silks. I will travel to the finest Asian nations to attain this silk. Then, I will run my fingers through your hair. I will caress your body slowly and whisper in your ear while I do so. I will tell you such things as, "You are the most beautiful woman in the world" and "Your skin is like the most expensive Swiss chocolate money can buy" and "Your eyes are like windows to paradise," and other romantic things that will make you tremble with desire. I will hit you doggy-style.

• So Unfunny It's Funny:
  • The entire point of Roger Dudek's "Write On The Funny!"
  • Also present in Jean Teasdale's column (with lines like "Osama bin Laden should take a chocolate pill!") and some of the cartoons (when they're not full of Patriotic Fervor and You Can Panic Now).
• So What Do We Do Now?: Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?'".
• Spoiler: In-Universe, "Final Harry Potter Book Blasted For Containing Spoilers".
• Stalking Is Love: "Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested".
• Start of Darkness: "Cheadle Planned Darfur Genocide to Create Role".
• Stealth Cigarette Commercial: "Philip Morris: 'Please Talk to Your Cooler Children About Cigarettes'".
• Stepford Smiler: The hosts of Today Now! are Type B, although it's possible Tracy Gill is Type A.
• Stoners Are Funny:
  • The Stoner: Jim Anchower.
  • Everybody Must Get Stoned:
    • "World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?"
    • "Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High".
• Story Arc: In July 2009, T. Herman Zweibel sold the Onion to a Chinese salvage fishery, and the publication was quickly filled with pro-China propaganda and ads for fish byproducts. However, after a few days, the Chinese realized the collapse of the newspaper industry made their purchase worthless and gave the Onion back to its original management. This did not affect the AV Club, although they did let worried readers know that the company was indeed not sold to the Chinese.
  • In June 2011, a week of articles blatantly touted The Onion as deserving a Pulitzer Prize, following a Zweibel editorial stating that he hated Pulitzer and decided it would be the best possible way to piss on his grave. A lobby group was formed, whose president turned out to be an embezzler. Several celebrities appeared in YouTube videos promoting the campaign.
• Strawman Political: The editorial cartoons are done by a strawman conservative who draws even more ridiculous strawman liberals.
• Student Teacher Romance: "Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship". Also includes Shipper on Deck.
• Stupid Sexy Flanders: "Running Back's Buttocks Undulate Hypnotically In Sexuality-Challenging Slow-Motion Replay".
• Strictly Formula: All of Jim Anchower's articles pretty much follow the same formula — first he complains about his car, then mentions he lost whatever job he had for the intermittent time between articles.
• Suddenly Sexuality: "Newly Out Gay Man Overdoing It".
• Super Serum: "Clinton Injected With Highly-Unstable Experimental Growth Serum".
• Suspiciously Specific Denial:
  • Inverted with "Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology".
  • Played straight with "When I Have Kids, I'm Not Going To Drown Them".
  • This one, maybe.
• Sword of Plot Advancement / Reforged Blade: "Congress Sets Sail In Search Of Fabled Sword Of Bipartisanship".
• Take That:
  • Against Rush Limbaugh, with "I Don't Even Want to Be Alive Anymore".
  • The closing months of 2008 saw weekly stories about outgoing President George W. Bush getting increasingly-bizarre and horrendous injuries.
  • "Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers, Recognizes Those Who Rushed To Cash In On Tragedy".
  • Today Now interviews the 5-year-old screenwriter of Fast Five.
  • "New Cheney Memoir Reveals He's Going To Live Full, Satisfied Life Without Ever Feeling Remorse And There's Nothing We Can Do About It".
  • "Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck".
  • Against Oprah Winfrey: "I Just Want To Say That I Hated Every Moment Of That Piece-Of-Shit Show".
• The Generic Guy: "Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim".
• The Talk: "Daughter Thinks It's Time To Have Sex Talk With Parents".
• Teens Are Monsters: "15-Year-Old Girl Viciously Torn Apart By Rabid Pack Of Peers"
  • "Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized".
• Testosterone Poisoning / Real Men Wear Pink "New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt"
• There Is No Kill Like Overkill: “NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing(-Choking-Impaling-Electrocution-Lethal-injection) Death” - with officers accidentally shooting a man about 275 times at point-blank range, blowing him up with grenades, lighting him up with shotguns, then stabbing him, blowing up his severed head, skewering the remaining part of the body and administering a lethal injection.
• They Changed It, Now It Sucks: In-Universe.
  • "NHL Woos Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line".
  • Inverted with "Sun Chips Abandons Biodegradable Bag".
• Three-Month-Old Newborn: "Woman on TV Gives Birth to Four-Month-Old Baby".
• Throw It In: "Police Interruption Hastily Written Into Student Film".
• Token Minority: "Black Guy Photoshopped In". As 11points demonstrates, this is Truth in Television.
• Too Hot for TV: "C-SPAN Releases 'Too Hot For C-SPAN!' Video".
• Too Soon:
  • "'Beltway Sniper' Video-Game Release Delayed Out Of Respect For Victims".
  • In a Real Life version, "Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying" wasn't printed in the Denver edition.
• Trailers Always Spoil: "'Iron Man' Trailer To Be Made Into Feature Film".
• Transforming Mecha: "Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot".
  • Hey, It's That Robot!: Sharp-eyed anime fans may recognize Kim's robot body as the Nu Gundam.
• Transparent Closet:
  • "Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet".
  • "Area Man Experimenting with Homosexuality For Past Eight Years".
• Trope Name: Used in perhaps the most spot-on parody of 24-hour cable news ever, "Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere".
• True Art Is Incomprehensible: In-Universe, "Obama's Weekly Video Addresses Becoming Increasingly Avant-Garde".
• Underdogs Never Lose: "Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids".
• Understatement: "Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia".
• Unexpected Successor: "Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government Following Bloodiest Midterm Election In American History".
• Unstoppable Rage: "Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination".
• Updated Rerelease: "Classic Movie 'Avatar' Updated For Today's Audiences".
• Video Game Settings: "Neighborhood Would Make A Great Video Game Level".
• Viewers Are Goldfish: "FCC: All Programming To Be Broadcast In ADHDTV By 2007".
• Viewers are Morons: "Microsoft Word Now Includes Squiggly Blue Line To Alert Writer When Word Is Too Advanced For Mainstream Audience".
• Villain Has a Point: "U.S. Authorities Can't Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship"

Following Monday's deadly terrorist attack on a Carnival Cruise Line ship, U.S. officials have had difficulty issuing a stern condemnation of the incident, saying that while any act of terrorism is inexcusable, they couldn't completely blame al-Qaeda for wanting to blow up what is essentially a giant, floating symbol of everything that is truly god-awful about America.

• Villain with Good Publicity: "PR Firm Kills Innocent Child".
• Visual Pun: "Guy Who Normally Holds Up Letter 'D' Sick This Week".
• Wacky Fratboy Hijinx: "Online University Cracks Down on Rowdy Online Fraternity".
• Walking Techbane: "My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate That Bitch".
• Wall of Text:
  • "Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text".
  • "Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail".
• Wham! Line: The very last line of the aforementioned "Cult Divided On Whether To Let Women Become Telepathic-Vision Clerics" article. "This whole argument will be moot in six days when we board up the windows and burn ourselves alive."
• What Could Have Been: "97-Year-Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy".
• What Could Possibly Go Wrong?: "Report: 10 Million Killed Annually By Stepping Out Of Comfort Zones".
• What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome? / Calling Your Attacks:
  • "Excited Red Sox Fans Eagerly Await Debut Of Matsuzaka's 'Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion'", complete with an "Over Nine Thousand" reference.
  • "Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation's Wealthiest Crystal Meth Dealer".
  • "Yard Sign With Candidate's Name On It Electrifies Congressional Race".
• What Do You Mean It's Not Didactic?: In-Universe
  • "I Appreciate The Muppets On A Much Deeper Level Than You".
  • "Freshman Term Paper Discovers Something Totally New About 'Silas Marner'".
  • "Grad Student Deconstructs Take-Out Menu".
  • Real Life example: An article was used for the 2005 English Language and Composition Advanced Placement exam...meaning that there was actually something to analyze in that article.
• What Do You Mean It's Not Heinous?: "USDA Official Takes Brave Stand Against Interstate Potato Pricing".
• When All You Have Is a Hammer: "If I Had One Piece Of Advice For Today's Youth, It Would Be To Throw A Baseball Really, Really Well".
• Where Everybody Knows Your Flame: "Local Bar Comes Out As Gay".
• Wild Child: "Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody".
• A Wizard Did It / Techno Babble / Quantum Mechanics Can Do Anything: "Sci-fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'".
• Word Salad Philosophy / Talkative Loon / Techno Babble: "Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics".
• Worst News Judgment Ever: "No Jennifer Lopez News Today".
• Xtreme Kool Letterz: "Alphabet Updated With 15 Exciting New Replacement Letters".
• You Bastard: #2 in "The People Who Mattered in 2010" was "Snooki - Just Try Not To Think About Who Should Really Be In This Spot".
• You Can't Fight Fate: Most of the horoscope entries, although this list's Scorpio is probably the most blunt example.
• You Look Familiar: Todd Alan Crain (Tucker Hope) and Suzanne Sena (Brooke Alvarez) both were news anchors on the web clips as Jeff Tate and Ana Gentry, respectively.
• You Make Me Sic: "Nation's Educators Alarmed By Poorly-Written Teen Suicide Notes".
• You Should Have Died Instead:
  • "Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck".
  • "Firefighter Died To Save Unimpressive Teen".
• Zero Wing: "Congress Adds 'All Your Base Are Belong To Us' Amendment To Bankruptcy Bill".