Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG: Difference between revisions
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The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of ''[[Dungeons & Dragons]]''. |
The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of ''[[Dungeons & Dragons]]''. |
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Read the full list here: |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html Numbers 1 - 500] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/89715.html Numbers 501 - 1000] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/131998.html Numbers 1001 - 1500] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/282764.html Numbers 1501 - 2000] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/389635.html Numbers 2001 - 2375] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/390307.html 2026-2050] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/396406.html 2051-2075] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/398668.html 2076-2100] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/401077.html 2101-2125] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/407783.html 2126-2150] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/413994.html 2151-2175] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/415387.html 2176-2200] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/429495.html 2201-2225] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/431079.html 2226-2250] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/431710.html 2251-2275] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/438322.html 2276-2300] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/440403.html 2301-2325] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/441379.html 2326-2350] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/443081.html 2351-2375] |
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{{Sidemenu}} |
{{Sidemenu}} |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/403627.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Wraith: The Oblivion|Wraith]] |
** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/403627.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Wraith: The Oblivion|Wraith]] |
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{{sidemenuend}} |
{{sidemenuend}} |
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Read the full list here: |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html Numbers 1 - 500] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/89715.html Numbers 501 - 1000] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/131998.html Numbers 1001 - 1500] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/282764.html Numbers 1501 - 2000] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/389635.html Numbers 2001 - 2375] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/390307.html 2026-2050] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/396406.html 2051-2075] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/398668.html 2076-2100] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/401077.html 2101-2125] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/407783.html 2126-2150] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/413994.html 2151-2175] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/415387.html 2176-2200] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/429495.html 2201-2225] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/431079.html 2226-2250] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/431710.html 2251-2275] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/438322.html 2276-2300] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/440403.html 2301-2325] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/441379.html 2326-2350] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/443081.html 2351-2375] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/450906.html 2376-2400] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/454230.html 2401-2425] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/455260.html 2426-2450] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/456477.html 2451-2475] |
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Compare ''[[Skippy's List]]''. Compare and contrast the ''[[Evil Overlord List]]'', which is more about becoming [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is ''[[Werewolf: The Apocalypse]]'' specific. |
Compare ''[[Skippy's List]]''. Compare and contrast the ''[[Evil Overlord List]]'', which is more about becoming [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is ''[[Werewolf: The Apocalypse]]'' specific. |
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798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot. |
798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot. |
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1695. Can't [[Truth in Television|load the shotgun just with rock salt]] because I'm feeling mean. |
1695. Can't [[Truth in Television|load the shotgun just with rock salt]] because I'm feeling mean. |
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1815. Can't have [[Catapult to Glory|a gun capable of]] [[Fastball Special|using other PC's as ammo]]. |
1815. Can't have [[Catapult to Glory|a gun capable of]] [[Fastball Special|using other PC's as ammo]]. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') |
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2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people. |
2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people. |
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2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers. |
2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers. |
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1183. No it won’t help if we put a silencer on the bazooka. |
1183. No it won’t help if we put a silencer on the bazooka. |
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1216. I can’t have a gun that treats buildings as light cover. |
1216. I can’t have a gun that treats buildings as light cover. |
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1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip. |
1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') |
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1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. |
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') |
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1587. There is no way the [[Mage: The Ascension|Iteration X mage]] is going to make it through airport security. |
1587. There is no way the [[Mage: The Ascension|Iteration X mage]] is going to make it through airport security. |
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1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative. |
1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative. |
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{{quote|312. I am not the son, father, husband, ex-roommate, former professor or retired garbage man of the villain. |
{{quote|312. I am not the son, father, husband, ex-roommate, former professor or retired garbage man of the villain. |
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1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person. |
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person. |
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1810. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me. |
1810. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') |
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}} |
}} |
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* [[Biggus Dickus]]: Possibly implied. |
* [[Biggus Dickus]]: Possibly implied. |
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* [[The Casanova]] / [[Really Gets Around]]: |
* [[The Casanova]] / [[Really Gets Around]]: |
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{{quote|362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. |
{{quote|362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. |
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806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town's population. |
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1849. [[Language Equals Thought|There is too an elven word for "monogamy".]] |
1849. [[Language Equals Thought|There is too an elven word for "monogamy".]] |
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1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out. }} |
1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out. }} |
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476. The alignment of [[Kids Are Cruel|2 years olds]] is not automatically [[Neutral Evil]]. |
476. The alignment of [[Kids Are Cruel|2 years olds]] is not automatically [[Neutral Evil]]. |
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863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding [[Technology Levels|TL]]1 tribes [[Technology Levels|TL]]12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong. |
863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding [[Technology Levels|TL]]1 tribes [[Technology Levels|TL]]12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong. |
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1592. If the Solar cringes, it's time to reassess my alignment. |
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1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check. |
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check. |
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1929. [[Ayn Rand]] has no affect on my alignment. }} |
1929. [[Ayn Rand]] has no affect on my alignment. }} |
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* [[Cool and Unusual Punishment]]: |
* [[Cool and Unusual Punishment]]: |
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{{quote|604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.}} |
{{quote|604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.}} |
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* [[Covers Always Spoil]]: |
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{{quote|2419. I am required to tell the DM if the secret villain of the adventure is revealed on the back synopsis of the module screen. }} |
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* [[CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable]]: Minus the Clean, Pretty, and Reliable part, of course. |
* [[CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable]]: Minus the Clean, Pretty, and Reliable part, of course. |
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{{quote|1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks.}} |
{{quote|1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks.}} |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll. |
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll. |
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1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. |
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') |
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2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical. }} |
2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical. }} |
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* [[Dungeon Bypass]]: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to... |
* [[Dungeon Bypass]]: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to... |
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== F == |
== F == |
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* [[Failed a Spot Check]]: |
* [[Failed a Spot Check]]: |
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{{quote|722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again.}} |
{{quote|722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play [[Tomb of Horrors]] again.}} |
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* [[Fan Disservice]]: |
* [[Fan Disservice]]: |
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{{quote|366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. |
{{quote|366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. |
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* [[Fat Bastard]]: |
* [[Fat Bastard]]: |
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{{quote|53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.}} |
{{quote|53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.}} |
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* [[Follow the Leader]]: Similar in style to ''[[Skippy's List|Skippys List]]'' of the "[http://skippyslist.com/list/ 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army]", though Mr. Welch has claimed repeatedly the resemblance was not intentional. This list has also inspired people to make threads in forums, which are quickly filled up by other people being [[The Loonie]]. |
* [[Follow the Leader]]: Similar in style to ''[[Skippy's List|Skippys List]]'' of the "[https://web.archive.org/web/20131109164111/http://skippyslist.com/list/ 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army]", though Mr. Welch has claimed repeatedly the resemblance was not intentional. This list has also inspired people to make threads in forums, which are quickly filled up by other people being [[The Loonie]]. |
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** [http://axelslist.blogspot.com/ This blog] is a variant containing things that have one of the aforementioned inspired people wrote, specifically referencing Mr. Welch and Skippy. |
** [http://axelslist.blogspot.com/ This blog] is a variant containing things that have one of the aforementioned inspired people wrote, specifically referencing Mr. Welch and Skippy. |
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* [[Football Hooligans]]: |
* [[Football Hooligans]]: |
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== G == |
== G == |
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* [[Gag Boobs]]: |
* [[Gag Boobs]]: |
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{{quote|1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1.}} |
{{quote|1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1. (''D&D 3.0'')}} |
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* [[Game Breaker]]: Numerous times In-Universe. |
* [[Game Breaker]]: Numerous times In-Universe. |
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{{quote|69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
{{quote|69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. (''D&D 3.0'') |
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1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. }} |
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') }} |
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* [[Gangsta Style]]: The page quote. |
* [[Gangsta Style]]: The page quote. |
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{{quote|1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check.}} |
{{quote|1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check. (''D&D 3.0'')}} |
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* [[Gaslighting]]" |
* [[Gaslighting]]" |
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{{quote|1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies. |
{{quote|1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies. (''D&D 3.0'') |
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1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things.}} |
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things.}} |
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* [[Gatling Good]]: |
* [[Gatling Good]]: |
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{{quote|1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out.}} |
{{quote|1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out.}} |
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* [[A God Is You]]: |
* [[A God Is You]]: |
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{{quote|158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. |
{{quote|158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. (''2nd Ed. D&D'') |
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169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility. |
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility. |
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575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission. |
575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission. |
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{{quote|1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention.}} |
{{quote|1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention.}} |
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* [[Godzilla Threshold]]: Extra care must be taken not to cross it with this guy around... |
* [[Godzilla Threshold]]: Extra care must be taken not to cross it with this guy around... |
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{{quote|1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.}} |
{{quote|1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')}} |
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* [[Going Commando]]: |
* [[Going Commando]]: |
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{{quote|88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.}} |
{{quote|88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.}} |
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967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem. }} |
967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem. }} |
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* [[GMPC]]: |
* [[GMPC]]: |
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{{quote|13. Must not murder canon [[NPC]]s in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. |
{{quote|13. Must not murder canon [[NPC]]s in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. (''2nd Ed. D&D'') |
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832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super [[NPC]] to foot the bill. }} |
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super [[NPC]] to foot the bill. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')}} |
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* [[Gratuitous Disco Sequence]]: |
* [[Gratuitous Disco Sequence]]: |
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{{quote|43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
{{quote|43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
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* [[Gratuitous Foreign Language]]: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding [[As Long as It Sounds Foreign|gibberish]])... |
* [[Gratuitous Foreign Language]]: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding [[As Long as It Sounds Foreign|gibberish]])... |
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* [[Grievous Harm with a Body]]: |
* [[Grievous Harm with a Body]]: |
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{{quote|106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. |
{{quote|106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. (''2nd Ed. D&D'') |
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190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden. |
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden. |
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345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either. |
345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either. |
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1963. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against the dwarf. }} |
1963. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against the dwarf. }} |
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* [[Groin Attack]]: |
* [[Groin Attack]]: |
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{{quote| |
{{quote|103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks (''D&D 3.0'') |
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248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. (''D&D 3.0'') |
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541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice. |
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541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice. (''Cyberpunk 2020'') |
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1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis. |
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis. |
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1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if it's just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels. |
1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if it's just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels. |
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211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies. |
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies. |
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294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic. |
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic. |
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890. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons. |
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964. Elves aren't marsupials. |
964. Elves aren't marsupials. |
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1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons. |
1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons. |
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1369. Elves do to have nipples. |
1369. Elves do to have nipples. |
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1616. Despite what the math says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade. |
1616. Despite what the math says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade. |
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1958. Dwarven breast milk is not 180 proof. |
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2030. Elves do not get a racial bonus to the skill Trade: Interior Design |
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2030. Elves do not get a racial bonus to the skill "Trade: Interior Design". |
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2120. Elves do not squirt ink out of their nipples as a defense mechanism. |
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2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened. |
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2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up. |
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2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up. |
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2196. When listing the advantages of elves to the new player, I will leave off "shatter proof".}} |
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2196. When listing the advantages of elves to the new player, I will leave off "shatter proof". |
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2226. The concept of vowels are not alien to dwarves. |
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2251. No calling a city councilman to settle an argument about dwarves. |
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2252. When a dwarf goes to the surface for the first time, I can't cast levitate on him. |
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2254. Covering myself in mud doesn't [[Predator|make me invisible to the elf]]. |
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2274. I am not transelven. |
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2287. We are not using the dwarf's back hair to make any of the following: rope, sweater, quilt, hot air balloon. |
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2303. I can't bribe the dwarf with an offer of putting him up for stud. |
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2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot. |
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2376. The Dwarven work ethic is not just "[[Dug Too Deep|Dig until we hit evil]]." |
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2388. No matter how high my damage resistance is, I can't name my dwarf [[Meaningful Name|Tanky McTankitytank]]. |
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2390. The plan is not just let the villain beat on the dwarf until his arm gets tired. |
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2393. The natural enemy of the elf is not the common cold. |
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2438. Not starting the adventure until we have exactly one elf in the party is not [[Incredibly Lame Pun|Tolkienism]]. |
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2461. There is no such thing as the Dwarvish Poetry Guild. }} |
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* [[Hit Points]]: |
* [[Hit Points]]: |
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{{quote|31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time. |
{{quote|31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time. |
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* [[Hoist by His Own Petard]]: |
* [[Hoist by His Own Petard]]: |
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{{quote|612. Every time [[Yet Another Stupid Death|a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity]] does not let me sing [[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory|the Oompa-Loompa song]].}} |
{{quote|612. Every time [[Yet Another Stupid Death|a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity]] does not let me sing [[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory|the Oompa-Loompa song]].}} |
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** Elaborated [//theglen.livejournal.com/219007.html later]: |
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{{quote|Oompa Loompa |
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Doompity Doo |
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I've got another puzzle for you. |
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What do you get when you cut the wrong wire? |
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A face full of steel and a body on fire! |
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Why don't you defer to somebody with the skills? |
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It won't get...it won't get...it won't get you killed...}} |
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* [[Hong Kong Dub]]: |
* [[Hong Kong Dub]]: |
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{{quote|9. My monk's lips must be in sync.}} |
{{quote|9. My monk's lips must be in sync.}} |
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{{quote|73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick. |
{{quote|73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick. |
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524. I will not ask my gun for advice. |
524. I will not ask my gun for advice. |
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1359. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the one that the game suggested. |
1359. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the one that the game suggested. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') |
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2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance. }} |
2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance. }} |
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* [[I Know Your True Name]]: |
* [[I Know Your True Name]]: |
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1433. [[Macross|Zentradi]] are not good eating. |
1433. [[Macross|Zentradi]] are not good eating. |
||
1649. I can't free the cannibals' prisoners by starting a food fight with them. |
1649. I can't free the cannibals' prisoners by starting a food fight with them. |
||
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty -->" tabard. |
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty -->" tabard. |
||
2125. No matter how close to lunch is it, halflings don't have to save vs. cannibalism. }} |
|||
** Although there are some limits: |
** Although there are some limits: |
||
{{quote|855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.}} |
{{quote|855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.}} |
||
Line 710: | Line 746: | ||
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co. |
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co. |
||
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach". |
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach". |
||
783 |
783. The following are not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai llama, Boom Orangutan. |
||
1277. No I can’t have an H. R. Giger Counter. |
1277. No I can’t have an H. R. Giger Counter. |
||
1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon. |
1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon. |
||
Line 716: | Line 752: | ||
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean [[All Your Base Are Belong to Us|all their base belongs to us]]. |
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean [[All Your Base Are Belong to Us|all their base belongs to us]]. |
||
1855. Using a barber's razor as a weapon does not make me a barbarian. |
1855. Using a barber's razor as a weapon does not make me a barbarian. |
||
2449. Even if my musketeer just tore Richelieu from the French throne, I didn't just break the Cardinal rule. |
|||
}} |
}} |
||
* [[Inescapable Ambush]]: Even if he casts Glassee on the door. |
* [[Inescapable Ambush]]: Even if he casts Glassee on the door. |
||
Line 727: | Line 764: | ||
{{quote|1333. I will tell the noob [[Twilight 2000|the game]] is about post nuclear Europe and not [[Twilight (novel)|love struck vampires]] before we start.}} |
{{quote|1333. I will tell the noob [[Twilight 2000|the game]] is about post nuclear Europe and not [[Twilight (novel)|love struck vampires]] before we start.}} |
||
* [[It Makes Sense in Context]]: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example: |
* [[It Makes Sense in Context]]: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example: |
||
{{quote|346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.}} |
{{quote|346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a [[Terminator|Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range]].}} |
||
** Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future". |
** Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future". |
||
== J-K == |
== J-K == |
||
* [[Jackass Genie]]: |
* [[Jackass Genie]]: |
||
{{quote|568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.' |
{{quote|568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.' |
||
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.}} |
|||
* [[Karma Meter]]: |
* [[Karma Meter]]: |
||
{{quote|174. There is no use of [[William Shatner|Shatner]]'s spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. |
{{quote|174. There is no use of [[William Shatner|Shatner]]'s spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. |
||
Line 745: | Line 783: | ||
1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my Jedi can’t have a flamethrower. |
1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my Jedi can’t have a flamethrower. |
||
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can't fish with a flamethrower. |
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can't fish with a flamethrower. |
||
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.<ref>[[Bifurcated Weapon|Exterminator]] cartridge. They even added errata for this.</ref> |
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')<ref>[[Bifurcated Weapon|Exterminator]] cartridge. They even added errata for this.</ref> |
||
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire. |
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire. |
||
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse. |
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse. |
||
Line 753: | Line 791: | ||
2187. No matter how many examples I can give, a flamethrower cannot boost morale. |
2187. No matter how many examples I can give, a flamethrower cannot boost morale. |
||
2332. When asked why the Feywild isn't in the campaign, "self inflicted nuclear holocaust" isn't the right answer. |
2332. When asked why the Feywild isn't in the campaign, "self inflicted nuclear holocaust" isn't the right answer. |
||
2467. If we have to hide our weapons, no dumping the napalm into the fire sprinkler reserve tanks. |
|||
2470. If ordered to see if anybody is in a building, no setting it on fire and seeing if anybody runs out. |
|||
}} |
}} |
||
* [[Kill It with Water]]: |
* [[Kill It with Water]]: |
||
{{quote|1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon the old fashioned way, and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead. |
|||
{{quote|1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn't work.}} |
|||
1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn't work. |
|||
1900. [[Mage: The Ascension|Verbena]] are not [[The Wonderful Wizard of Oz|water soluble]]. }} |
|||
* [[Knife Nut]]: |
* [[Knife Nut]]: |
||
{{quote|1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda.}} |
{{quote|1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda.}} |
||
Line 787: | Line 829: | ||
* [[Logic Bomb]]: Back to the genie. |
* [[Logic Bomb]]: Back to the genie. |
||
{{quote|199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.' |
{{quote|199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.' |
||
1871. No tricking the techpriest into dividing by zero.}} |
1871. No tricking the techpriest into dividing by zero. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')}} |
||
* [[The Loonie]]: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition. |
* [[The Loonie]]: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition. |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
Line 813: | Line 855: | ||
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
||
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. |
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. |
||
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode. |
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')<ref>The result of [[Damage Typing]] and taking damage from failed attempts at medicine</ref> |
||
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus. |
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus. |
||
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability. |
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability. |
||
Line 820: | Line 862: | ||
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings<!-- sic --> in his pack without penalty. |
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings<!-- sic --> in his pack without penalty. |
||
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster. |
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster. |
||
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head [[Villainous Demotivator|does not improve morale]]. |
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head [[Villainous Demotivator|does not improve morale]]. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') |
||
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists. |
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists. |
||
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking [[Mad Scientist]]. |
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking [[Mad Scientist]]. |
||
2155. Getting multiple entries in a game's first errata is not a badge of honor. |
2155. Getting multiple entries in a game's first errata is not a badge of honor. |
||
2409. My wish cannot include the words "and, additional, furthermore" or any synonyms thereof. |
|||
2423. If the party is black tie only, that doesn't mean just painted on the power armor.}} |
|||
{{quote|423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. |
{{quote|423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. |
||
1914. Can't abuse the boggan's weakness to get free babysitting. }} |
1914. Can't abuse the boggan's weakness to get free babysitting. }} |
||
Line 854: | Line 898: | ||
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'. |
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'. |
||
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas. |
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas. |
||
653. [[Only Sane Man|Cannot wish]] [[Sanity Ball|for the party]] [[ |
653. [[Only Sane Man|Cannot wish]] [[Sanity Ball|for the party]] [[Only Sane Employee|to have common sense.]] Even the wish spell has its limits. |
||
745. Can't wish I was the GM. |
745. Can't wish I was the GM. |
||
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?" |
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?" |
||
Line 942: | Line 986: | ||
1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill out wikipedia articles. |
1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill out wikipedia articles. |
||
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed. |
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed. |
||
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn. |
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') |
||
1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the 'Sonnet' Specialization. |
1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the 'Sonnet' Specialization. |
||
1621. No using the Reduce spell to only to buy a child's ticket at the movies. |
1621. No using the Reduce spell to only to buy a child's ticket at the movies. |
||
Line 958: | Line 1,002: | ||
* [[My Friends and Zoidberg]]: |
* [[My Friends and Zoidberg]]: |
||
{{quote|219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".}} |
{{quote|219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".}} |
||
* [[Mystery Meat]]: Remains a mystery. |
|||
{{quote|1976. The identify spell doesn't work on mystery meat.}} |
|||
== N == |
== N == |
||
Line 1,036: | Line 1,082: | ||
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring. |
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring. |
||
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection. |
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection. |
||
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods. |
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods. |
||
2386. There is no such thing as gnomeophobia. |
|||
2387. I will not give anybody an unreasonable fear of gnomes. |
|||
}} |
|||
* [[Overused Copycat Character]]: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these. |
* [[Overused Copycat Character]]: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these. |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
Line 1,062: | Line 1,111: | ||
{{quote|1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.}} |
{{quote|1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.}} |
||
* [[Playing Against Type]]: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot to allay suspicions, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario.) |
* [[Playing Against Type]]: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot to allay suspicions, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario.) |
||
{{quote|1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character. |
{{quote|1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character. |
||
2068. If my character's name is not an anagram, I will tell the DM before he spends 30 minutes rearranging letters. }} |
|||
* [[Plot Armor]]: |
* [[Plot Armor]]: |
||
{{quote|447. If the [[NPC]] is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round. |
{{quote|447. If the [[NPC]] is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round. |
||
Line 1,098: | Line 1,148: | ||
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss. |
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss. |
||
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place. |
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place. |
||
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. |
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')<ref>Explanation: "Mono" upgrade originally applied to "any close combat weapon". The errata fixed this to «primitive close combat weapon» (i.e. not chainswords, shock staves, etc) and «may be applied to any melee weapon, but when applied to close-combat weapons that do not use an edge (e.g., hammers, mauls, etc.) it is defined differently. […] For example, a hammer with the Mono upgrade is defined as having a pneumo-shock enhancement. The in-game effects remain the same».</ref> }} |
||
* [[Recoil Boost]]: |
* [[Recoil Boost]]: |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
Line 1,226: | Line 1,276: | ||
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]". |
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]". |
||
1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops [[Operation Mindcrime|Operation: Mimecrime]]. |
1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops [[Operation Mindcrime|Operation: Mimecrime]]. |
||
1356. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I [[Dune|shoot a shield]] with a lasgun. |
1356. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I [[Dune|shoot a shield]] with a lasgun. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') |
||
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]]. |
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]]. |
||
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should [[The Wizard of Oz|drop a house on the witch.]] |
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should [[The Wizard of Oz|drop a house on the witch.]] |
||
Line 1,240: | Line 1,290: | ||
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we [[Turbo Teen|douse him]] [[Ranma ½|with hot water]]. |
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we [[Turbo Teen|douse him]] [[Ranma ½|with hot water]]. |
||
2105. Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf [[Predator|by smearing myself with mud]]. |
2105. Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf [[Predator|by smearing myself with mud]]. |
||
2400. Just because [[The Six Million Dollar Man|I have the technology]], doesn't mean I need to make him better. |
|||
2462. My paladin does not [[RoboCop|have fourth, classified, oath known only to Omnicorp]]. |
|||
}} |
}} |
||
* [[Similarly Named Works]] |
* [[Similarly Named Works]] |
||
Line 1,250: | Line 1,302: | ||
* [[Spare Body Parts]]: Denied. |
* [[Spare Body Parts]]: Denied. |
||
{{quote|68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.}} |
{{quote|68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.}} |
||
* [[Spoony Bard]]: |
|||
{{quote| |
|||
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard. |
|||
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll. |
|||
343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard. |
|||
867. We can't all play bards just to relive our favorite Spinal Tap moments. |
|||
1489. My bard will not stop every passing minstrel for a round of Dueling Banjos. |
|||
1643. Despite [[Monty Python and the Holy Grail|precedent]], if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard. |
|||
1826. Before we have the bard loot the dungeon, make sure he's clear on the spelling. |
|||
1974. Despite what the rules say, you don't have to be a 19th level bard to play Alice's Restaurant Massacre. |
|||
2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift. |
|||
2385. Doesn't matter where you hit him, you can't set a bard to shuffle. |
|||
2454. My bard is now required to take a long rest between performances of Tarzan Boy. |
|||
2455. Can't name my aasimar bard Petra Stryper. |
|||
2456. Aasimar bards know more songs than just Disney tunes. |
|||
2457. My aasimar bard is not allowed to resemble any member of the Wiggles. |
|||
2460. A bard that plays like Bob Dillon is awesome. A bard that talks like Bob Dillon not so much. |
|||
2461. There is no such thing as the Dwarvish Poetry Guild. |
|||
}} |
|||
* [[STD Immunity]]: |
* [[STD Immunity]]: |
||
{{quote|588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it?}} |
{{quote|588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it?}} |
||
Line 1,297: | Line 1,368: | ||
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas. |
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas. |
||
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A. |
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A. |
||
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') |
|||
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill. |
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill. |
||
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment. |
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment. |
||
Line 1,302: | Line 1,374: | ||
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit. |
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit. |
||
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder. |
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder. |
||
2025. |
2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus. |
||
2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke. |
2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke. |
||
2429. Can't apply the holy avenger traits to siege weapons. |
|||
2472. The rest of the party would like to know why I'm putting all my skill points into nuclear warhead. |
|||
2473. Even if the rules allow it, I don't get a sustained fire bonus for nuclear weapons. |
|||
}} |
|||
* [[Third Person Person]]: |
* [[Third Person Person]]: |
||
{{quote|268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. |
{{quote|268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. |
||
1893. Can't take Speaks in Third person quirk just so I can use the lyrics to Battery as an attack plan. |
1893. Can't take Speaks in Third person quirk just so I can use the lyrics to Battery as an attack plan. |
||
}} |
}} |
||
* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]: |
* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]: |
||
{{quote|159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. |
{{quote|159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. |
||
Line 1,391: | Line 1,466: | ||
* [[We Need a Distraction]]: Greatly limited. |
* [[We Need a Distraction]]: Greatly limited. |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. |
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. (''D&D 3.5'') |
||
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing. |
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing. (''D&D 3.0'') |
||
739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first. |
739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first. (''Cyberpunk 2020'') |
||
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building. |
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building. (''Cyberpunk 2020'') |
||
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks. |
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks. (''Cyberpunk 2020'') |
||
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him. |
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him. (''Aeon Trinity'') |
||
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire. |
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire. (''Aeon Trinity'') |
||
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an |
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an Aztec bar mitzvah. (''D&D 3.5'') |
||
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text. |
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text. (''Cyberpunk 2020'') |
||
2183. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a called shot to his appendix. |
|||
2206. Create a distraction doesn't mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance. |
|||
2475. When told to distract the enemy, they didn't mean with a called shot to their flamethrower.}} |
|||
* [[What Did I Do Last Night?]]: |
* [[What Did I Do Last Night?]]: |
||
{{quote|597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. |
{{quote|597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. |
||
Line 1,415: | Line 1,492: | ||
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use. |
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use. |
||
1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging [[Crippling Overspecialization|only into the '93 San Diego Padres is not.]] }} |
1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging [[Crippling Overspecialization|only into the '93 San Diego Padres is not.]] }} |
||
* [[Whip It Good]]: |
* [[Whip It Good]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. (''D&D 3.5'') |
|||
596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them. (''D&D 3.5'') |
|||
730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip. (''Adventure'') |
|||
1648. Even if we are playing in the old west, can't spend all my money on leather, whips and barbed wire. (''Deadlands'') |
|||
2116. One does not just 'whip up' a priestess of Loviator. (''D&D 3.5'') |
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2494. Gaining weapon mastery in the whip and earning a venomous snake as my animal companion are mutually exclusive achievements.}} |
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* [[Whoring]] / [[Crippling Overspecialization]]: |
* [[Whoring]] / [[Crippling Overspecialization]]: |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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* [[With Catlike Tread]]: |
* [[With Catlike Tread]]: |
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{{quote|1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
{{quote|1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
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1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops. |
1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops. |
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2475. When told to distract the enemy, they didn't mean with a called shot to their flamethrower.}} |
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* [[Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds]]: |
* [[Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds]]: |
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{{quote|1751. [[Dragonlance|Lord Soth]] just does not need a hug.}} |
{{quote|1751. [[Dragonlance|Lord Soth]] just does not need a hug.}} |
Latest revision as of 20:18, 1 March 2021
Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do In An RPG is Exactly What It Says on the Tin — a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for The Loonie, has been banned from doing in Tabletop Games. It is long (2,050 items at last count), imaginative, full of aversions, and often really funny.
The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of Dungeons & Dragons.
Broken down by game system. In some cases, this reveals jokes that wouldn't otherwise be obvious.
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Aeon Trinity
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Aberrant
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Adventure
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Aliens
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in All Flesh Must Be Eaten
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Alternity
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Amber
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Autoduel
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Battlestar Galactica
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Buck Rogers
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Buffy
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Call of Cthulhu
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Champions
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Chill
- Things Mr. Welch Can't Do In Continuum
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Cyberpunk 2020
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Dark Heresy
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in DC Heroes
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Deadlands
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Decurion
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Dr. Who
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Dragon Age
- Dungeons & Dragons:
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in 1st Ed. D&D
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Oriental Adventures
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in 2nd Ed. D&D
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Planescape
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in D&D 3.0
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Iron Kingdoms
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in D&D 3.5
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Pathfinder
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in 4th Ed. D&D
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in d20 Modern
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Dragonstar
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Star Wars d20
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Exalted
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Feng Shui
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in GURPS
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in GURPS Supers
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in GURPS Time Travel
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Hackmaster
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Hell on Earth
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in HOL
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Ironclaw
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Legend of the Five Rings
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Legionaire
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Lord of the Rings
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Marvel Superheroes
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Mechwarrior
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Merc 2000
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Morrow Project
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Mutants and Masterminds
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in New Gods of Mankind
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Pendragon
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Prime Directive
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Renaissance
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Rifts
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Robotech
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Rocky and Bullwinkle
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Rolemaster
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Runequest
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in 7th Sea
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Serenity
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Shadowrun
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Silver Age Sentinels
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Space 1899
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Space Master
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Star Trek
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Star Wars
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Street Fighter
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Tales from the Floating Vagabond
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Top Secret
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Traveller
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Twilight 2000
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Underground
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Villains and Vigilantes
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Weird Wars
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Witch Girls
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in World of Darkness
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Changeling
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Inquisitor
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Mage
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Mummy
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Masquerade
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Werewolf
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Vampire
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Wraith
Read the full list here:
- 2026-2050
- 2051-2075
- 2076-2100
- 2101-2125
- 2126-2150
- 2151-2175
- 2176-2200
- 2201-2225
- 2226-2250
- 2251-2275
- 2276-2300
- 2301-2325
- 2326-2350
- 2351-2375
- 2376-2400
- 2401-2425
- 2426-2450
- 2451-2475
Compare Skippy's List. Compare and contrast the Evil Overlord List, which is more about becoming Dangerously Genre Savvy. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is Werewolf: The Apocalypse specific.
A
601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch. |
711. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed. |
222. Druids are not against my religion. |
1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood. |
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders. |
- Ambiguously Jewish: Averted.
14. Ogres are not kosher. |
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism. |
1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual. |
2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife. |
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans. |
1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over. |
1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much. |
- Ax Crazy: On a number of occasions.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades. |
1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment. |
B
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby. |
1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat. |
1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point. |
460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a Necromancer if I'm Lawful Good. |
1369. Elves do too have nipples. |
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God". |
1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair. |
1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peak at the future. Again. |
- BFG:
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back. |
312. I am not the son, father, husband, ex-roommate, former professor or retired garbage man of the villain. |
- Biggus Dickus: Possibly implied.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait. |
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can. |
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-Elves do not automatically go both ways. |
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not. |
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous. |
1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell. |
616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder. |
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. |
1749. If my character is a hard drinking, hard partying muslim chick, it's vetoed is she's clearly my Ex. |
1185. Paladins do too urinate. |
1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check. |
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock". |
1446. Even if the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pects. |
C
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure. |
640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut. |
781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes." |
952. Kiefer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness. |
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay. |
720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed. |
687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark. |
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. |
1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian. |
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult. |
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. |
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal. |
637. German characters do not get a +4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters. |
- Cherry Tapping: Acceptable in and of itself, but...
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. |
1816. The Druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes. |
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him. |
1901. Even if my Jedi has a Scottish accent, can't have a plaid lightsaber. |
- Combat Medic: Plan A — don't get hurt.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine. |
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol. |
130. I am not authorized to form the head. |
523. When I'm rescued the correct response is "thank you" not "took your freaking time!" |
1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy. |
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not. |
1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn't immune to, he's immune to it. |
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams. |
2419. I am required to tell the DM if the secret villain of the adventure is revealed on the back synopsis of the module screen. |
- CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable: Minus the Clean, Pretty, and Reliable part, of course.
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. |
1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just housecats. |
- Creator's Pet: Knows how to take advantage of them.
1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of Plot Armor, can't use her for cover. |
940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds. |
374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again. |
- Cutting the Knot: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw.
367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along. |
348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis. |
D
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay. |
- Dangerously Genre Savvy: For his GMs, at least.
336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery. |
813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet. |
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character. |
- Defied Trope / Enforced Trope: The GMs to what he does.
- Deal with the Devil:
1597. Devils don't appreciate natural 20's on a bargain check. |
- Despair Event Horizon: Caused one in the player themselves.
1903. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead. |
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. |
1745. Contrary to popular belief, mercenaries don't help divorce proceedings. |
1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed. |
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll. |
- Dungeon Bypass: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
- Dungeonmaster's Girlfriend: Apparently the cause of strife more than once.
421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster. |
E
2022. I will refrain from any activity that could turn the entire party into smoking piles of lederhosen. |
1139. My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire. |
688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things. |
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry. |
- He also seems to have a particular dislike for pedophiles/ephebophiles.
1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait. |
- Everything Makes a Mushroom: Especially his fireball spells.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit. |
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire. |
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement "Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!" |
- Everything's Deader with Zombies: Don't get bitten when he's around.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000. |
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet. |
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint. |
1036. My druid can't summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it's not allowed in the rulebook. |
- Experience Points: Has more than a few ideas of how to earn more.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer. |
- Expy: The #1 entry prevents him from basing characters on Keith Moon.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds. |
F
722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again. |
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. |
1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six. |
177. Stinking Cloud is a privilege, not a right. |
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton. |
- Follow the Leader: Similar in style to Skippys List of the "213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army", though Mr. Welch has claimed repeatedly the resemblance was not intentional. This list has also inspired people to make threads in forums, which are quickly filled up by other people being The Loonie.
- This blog is a variant containing things that have one of the aforementioned inspired people wrote, specifically referencing Mr. Welch and Skippy.
- Football Hooligans:
512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill. |
1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later. |
1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for Adeptus Astartes. |
1786. Albanians do not count as furries. |
G
1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1. (D&D 3.0) |
- Game Breaker: Numerous times In-Universe.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. (D&D 3.0) |
- Gangsta Style: The page quote.
1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check. (D&D 3.0) |
1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies. (D&D 3.0) |
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. |
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos. |
- Genki Girl / Keet: This seems to be how he plays elves.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure. |
1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out. |
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. (2nd Ed. D&D) |
- God Test: Inverted
1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention. |
- Godzilla Threshold: Extra care must be taken not to cross it with this guy around...
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. (2nd Ed. D&D) |
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard. |
- Golem: Adds a few more the Monster Manual "forgot".
455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems. |
- GMPC:
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
- Gratuitous Foreign Language: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding gibberish)...
- Grievous Harm with a Body:
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. (2nd Ed. D&D) |
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks (D&D 3.0) |
1193. I will avoid making wishes that lock the game in an infinite time loop. |
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things. |
1308: Everybody was not gun-fu fighting. |
H
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci. |
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you? |
- Healing Hands: Which are apparently rather... naughty.
1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn't watch exactly where he lays on hands. |
1702. Even if it's historical[ly] accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them. |
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club. |
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero. |
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant. |
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals. |
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time. |
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW 2. |
- Hive Mind: Ninjas do not have them.
1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind. |
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song. |
- Elaborated later:
Oompa Loompa |
9. My monk's lips must be in sync. |
- Hulk Speak: Banned
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock". |
376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech. |
- Hypocritical Humor: Welch apparently hates powergamers enough to get told not to do various things that horribly mess up their game plans... and then just a bit further on he'll get admonished against using a horrifying Game Breaker build/weapon/tactic/etc. of his own. (Granted, those tactics are usually highly imaginative.)
897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off, while actually appreciated, is frowned upon. |
- A few items on his list qualify as well:
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. |
I
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick. |
1438. You can't find true names in a phone book. |
- I'm a Humanitarian: Apparently, Mr. Welch finds every playable race tasty to some degree. That, or he's played too much Nethack.
14. Ogres are not kosher. |
- Although there are some limits:
855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat. |
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm. |
1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages. |
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill. |
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. |
- Incredibly Lame Pun: Guilty so many times.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond". |
- Inescapable Ambush: Even if he casts Glassee on the door.
1293. I can't avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try. |
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language. |
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first. |
1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. |
- It Makes Sense in Context: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example:
346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. |
- Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future".
J-K
568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.' |
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. |
476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil. |
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower. |
1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon the old fashioned way, and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead. |
1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda. |
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.[3] |
L
- Lampshade Hanging: Also disallowed.
- Lawful Stupid Chaotic Stupid: He tries to make up his own alignments, but gets turned down each time. Most of the time, though, Chaotic Stupid describes him far too well...
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal. |
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so. |
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Literal Genie: He's got a backup plan for this guy.
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes. |
1046. We can't stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain. |
- Logic Bomb: Back to the genie.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.' |
- The Loonie: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at Malkavians, kobolds or kender. Or their players. |
- Loophole Abuse: CONSTANTLY. The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules.[4]
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales. |
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. |
- Lost Him in a Card Game: He's not even allowed to make the bet.
- Lost in Translation: On purpose.
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. |
- Loveable Sex Maniac: Quite possibly Welch himself, given the number of sex-related things.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls. |
510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels. |
M
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. |
- Make a Wish: Not with this guy.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'. |
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents. |
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills. |
675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the Identical Twin advantage 22 times. |
- Mid-Battle Tea Break: Defied.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown. |
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check. |
1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer. |
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales. |
617: the forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo |
1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games. |
- Mook Chivalry: Averted!
932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me. |
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. |
- Most Common Superpower: Doesn't actually count as a superpower, no.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power. |
- Enforced in by at least one of his Dungeonmasters.
1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist. |
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run. |
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes. |
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys". |
- Mystery Meat: Remains a mystery.
1976. The identify spell doesn't work on mystery meat. |
N
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself. |
1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women. |
- Never Mess with Granny: His characters can come from some seriously deadly ancestors.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother. |
141. My maid does not know kung fu. |
- Noodle Incident / Noodle Implements: All the time.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please. |
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. |
649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find. |
O
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery. |
- Off the Rails: He's tried. The DMs don't like it.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet. |
951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement. |
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game. |
- Only Smart People May Pass: He can be a bit too smart.
1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly. |
- Our Gnomes Are Weirder: His are much, much weirder.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'. |
- Overused Copycat Character: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. |
P
1848. Slapping a fake mustache on the freeboota doesn't count as a disguise check. |
- Patron Saint: Related to the page quote. However...
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense. |
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means. |
1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits. |
- Playing Against Type: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot to allay suspicions, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario.)
1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character. |
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round. |
- Politically-Correct History: Sort of.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600. |
1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it's made out of. |
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls. |
- Professional Wrestling: Apparently, his campaign takes the concept of "gimmick infringement" very seriously.
211. If, at any point, my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, he dies. |
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces. |
R
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises. |
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne. |
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss. |
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation. |
1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date. |
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt." |
- Reference Overdosed: Hoo boy.
- Religion of Evil:
314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'. |
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin. |
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing. |
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest. |
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything. |
- Rules Lawyer: Too many items on the list begin with the phrase "Even if the rules allow it" to be listed here. See "Loophole Abuse" above for a sample.
S
526. If an NPC is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two." |
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it. |
532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people. |
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending. |
- Screw Destiny: Denied.
339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter." |
- Screw You, Elves: Mr. Welch seems to relish in tormenting the pointy-eared folk and their players.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf. |
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates. |
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser. |
1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack. |
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away. |
389. My Samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster. |
1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens. |
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber. |
- Shout-Out: TONS of these.
25. The green elf does not need food badly. |
1333. I will tell the Noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. |
- Spanner in the Works: He has a knack for playing this role.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door. |
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory. |
- Spare Body Parts: Denied.
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs. |
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard. |
588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it? |
1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform. |
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. |
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so. |
583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned. |
- Suspiciously Apropos Music: Actually, he has been banned from subversions thereof. No marching to polka.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
T
- Tactful Translation: ...or not?
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. |
1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak in Leet. |
- Taking You with Me: Instead of a bomb, he uses a Great Old One.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur." |
- Talking the Monster to Death: Not appreciated by the DMs (that Mr. Welch plays with.)
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer. |
- Talking Your Way Out: Also not appreciated by the DMs.
1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them. |
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. |
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams. |
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries. |
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. |
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. |
518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow. |
189. Tourette's is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation. |
1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren't going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor. |
- True Art Is Incomprehensible: Welch is not allowed to invoke it in-universe.
1396. No matter his condition, we aren't selling the villain's corpse as modern art. |
738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal. |
U
- Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: In-Universe
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf", I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way. |
459. The vampire clan with vicissitude is not pronounced 'Karl'. |
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer. |
1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram. |
V
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin. |
- Vampire Hunter: He hunts bloodsuckers with extreme prejudice, it seems.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid. |
478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!" |
401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic. |
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection. |
W
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off. |
- Wasteful Wishing: Over a dozen, including:
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game." |
390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics. |
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents. |
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying. |
- We Need a Distraction: Greatly limited.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. (D&D 3.5) |
597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. |
334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards. |
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept. |
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. (D&D 3.5) |
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Incidentally, yes, most variations of the other kind are banned too.
- With Catlike Tread:
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug. |
Y
1798. Can't start every game breaking out of jail. |
- You All Meet in An Inn: Not good enough for him.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel. |
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast. |
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure. |
1022. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live. |
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode. |
- ↑ (...And it's actually a simile. Inside a metaphor.)
- ↑ Exterminator cartridge. They even added errata for this.
- ↑ (That's because he entered it wrong.)
- ↑ Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.
- ↑ The result of Damage Typing and taking damage from failed attempts at medicine
- ↑ (What about areas where women already had the vote pre-1912?)
- ↑ Explanation: "Mono" upgrade originally applied to "any close combat weapon". The errata fixed this to «primitive close combat weapon» (i.e. not chainswords, shock staves, etc) and «may be applied to any melee weapon, but when applied to close-combat weapons that do not use an edge (e.g., hammers, mauls, etc.) it is defined differently. […] For example, a hammer with the Mono upgrade is defined as having a pneumo-shock enhancement. The in-game effects remain the same».
- ↑ (Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)